Trying to keep my head together but think I’m going to run away

[Hayleyg4]

Sorry if this is long, I’ll try to shorten it as much as I can. I have 4 children, 3 from a really bad, DV relationship where I was cheated on multiple times and one with my most recent partner, we split a week before Christmas. We were together just over ten years and he would leave for weeks, sometimes months at a time quite often. This obviously was awful for the kids but I love him so tried to sort it out. A customer at my work has been on my case for years, I’ve always told him I’m in a relationship. Until last April when my partner had left so I told this guy I was single and gave him my number. We spoke via text once or twice but I stopped replying because I just wasn’t interested and didn’t have the time with my kids. My partner came back after 5 months so September and then left again in December. The argument in December was so bad and involved one of my older sons so I was adament it was the end for good. The old customer came back onto the scene and we spoke for a few weeks until my ex found out. He phoned him, told him we were still together and to back off so he did. Blocked me on everything. My ex then has hounded me for weeks about this saying I’ve cheated etc and really got in my head. I’ve now found out today he’s actually seeing someone and it’s just made me lose my head a bit. I’m all over the place and can’t stop crying! I feel like I need to get away but can’t with the kids and work. I have 4 jobs, my eldest is at college in America, I’m trying to keep it all together but I’m literally about to crumble and just don’t know what to do

this is absolutely abuse and I would suggest reaching out asap to a domestic abuse agency who can hold your hand through this and take too through your options xxx

Thank you for your reply. I’m so broken I just can’t function properly. We have wellbeing support through my work so I’m going to speak to them today

You don't need to run away, he needs to fuck the hell off
Whose name is on the house?
You need to grey rock him and only discuss child access or anything else that legally needs sorting out
He gets funny and threatens you etc you log it with the police
He's an absolute piece of shit

Thank you. To hear people say it’s not me is so eye opening because all I’ve had from him is that it’s all my fault and I’m such a bad person. My name is on the house so that won’t be a problem

Excellent
Change the locks today

Sending a hug -he sounds awful @Hayleyg4.

You and your ex don't have a relationship. This is not how relationships work. Leave him for good and forget about the man that came into work. Repair the damage your ex has done to your children first. Good luck!

Accusations of cheating are textbook abuse tactics.
It's total projection too because he's more likely to be the one cheating.
Don't let his words spend any time in your head at all it's not worth it.

Thank you, your replies have helped so much because all I’ve been bombarded with is how I’ve done everything to make this situation how it is and my head feels like it’s about to explode to the point I’ve been non stop crying and arranged for my children to stay at my mums so I can get away and I just didn’t want to come back

You don't have to accept his story is true. You know you are not in a relationship with him anymore so he has no right to censor your behaviour and you haven't done anything wrong. You need to reframe the way you deal with him and take back the power. If he rants at you say 'we've been over since December when you walked out' and repeat exactly the same phrase just don't give him any more headroom to hurt you. You've got enough on your plate without a prick like him. Also, don't bother about the other guy, it's way too early to even think about anyone else, have a bit of time for you.

You need to work on your self esteem. The online freedom programme is only £12 if you can afford that and it will help you recognise the on/off relationship as abusive. https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

None of this is your fault. None of this is your fault. Keep telling yourself that then start on I deserve better, because you do. Working 4 jobs you'll be exhausted. Let your relatives and friends look after the children, have some time to do what makes you feel good, even if it's just a long warm bath,.

@anyolddinosaur thank you, I’ll have a look into the programme. I’m open to any ideas at the moment.

If the house is yours tell him to pack up and leave.

Look him straight in the eye, stop crying and say firmly, 'Fred, you've fucked off so many times that you have no right to expect anything from me. In addition, I've discovered that you are currently shagging Chloe - so accusing me of cheating because I've been speaking to another man makes you look even more of an arsehole. Now get out of my house and don't bother coming back. This relationship is absolutely over. Off you fuck'.

The relationship you describe with your last partner does not sound healthy for either of you. Regular separations lasting months suggests there were difficulties in problem solving, communicating through difficulty and having shared goals. That must have been very exhausting for both you and the children involved to have a repeating cycle of joining together and separating. I wonder what has kept you both in this pattern? Perhaps it is a shared view that to completely separate would be harmful for the children involved? Whatever it is - this sounds like you both know it doesn't work and are using different methods to try to help you make decisions including exploring alternative partners.

The children in this dynamic are going to be affected by what is going on - one or both of you needs to be able to make a decision that puts a stop to them living through this. Do you think you could both attend some mediation/couples work to do some future planning that is assisted by a third party who helps you see the decisions and actions you are involved in and their implications for others as well as yourselves?

He chose to leave you and the children for extended periods of time, not you.

He chose to deceive you and have a relationship with someone else.

He chose to inappropriately drag your son into an argument that was so bad that you knew this abusive relationship had to end.

Now you choose to firmly let him know it’s over and don’t listen to his lies.

He can choose to become nasty, as it is his style, however you can plan for his stupidity.

If you are going to speak with well-being at work, can you discuss safeguarding yourself and the children against him becoming verbally abusive again? Is there a trusted friend or family member who can be with you when you tell him to leave ?

What was he doing when he was off for long periods of time?
he’s no good for you OP and I agree with others this is abuse, block him on everything so he can’t get in your head and change your locks in your home
I hope your ok