This feels like the end

[bathinginbeans]

My husband is in a care home. We have been married for 25 years, but lived separately for nine years. However, when we lived apart, we saw each other every day and did lots of things together (shopping, visiting relatives, doing stuff with our young adult children and so on).

At the end of 2022, he became more mentally unwell. He spent several months in a psychiatric hospital, then left to live in a care home, about an hour's distance from where I live.

I visit him twice a week, but he just wants to stay in his room. I make conversation, but sometimes he does not really want to talk. I call him and we talk for about five minutes perhaps twice a day. I text a few times a day.

I talked to him about moving closer to where I live so I can see him every day. Currently work and other caring commitments limit the visits to twice a week. I suggested this is a way we can build up him possibly leaving care and living in supported living close to me, even if we don't live together. He seemed to be positive about this.

Earlier this week, he had a review and he told his social worker that he is happy where he is and has no intention of moving closer to me.

I just feel something has changed, or perhaps I have been living in an illusion. I realise he could still be mentally unwell, but I am not convinced that this is the reason he would not want to wish to move closer.

One reason why I am posting here is that I do not know why I have taken this decision as if it is the death knell for the 'marriage'.

Am I over-reacting or do you really think I have been fooling myself and there is little left of the relationship?

I don't think you are overreacting - you have so little contact and there seems to be no interest on either side in changing this. It's obviously a very difficult situation; have you thought about what your options are?

Thank you. I often doubt myself, and I wonder about issues such as loyalty and 'kicking someone when they are down'. However, my recurring thought is that he made a choice at the review, perhaps he was not aware of the fact that he was making a decision that would have consequences, but it has sent out a clear message to me that our perceptions and expectations of our marriage are quite different.

My plan is to cut the visits down to once a week, and then to try building up my own life a little. As stated, I have work, I have caring responsibilities and I have some interesting study. Money is tight, so my long postponed driving lessons remain a little in the future, but there are some interesting classes that I can take part in at the local gym ( I am a member and swim a few times a week).

However, changing my perception and accepting the fact that there will be no quiet retirement together (we are both in our early sixties) and that my husband perhaps sees me as something more like a visiting friend than a wife, is hard.

It's really hard to know without knowing more about his mental health, but my guess would be that he feels safe and cared for in his current care home, and that moving to another, unknown, one would be quite scary for him.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be nearer to you, he could want both things at the same time if that makes sense, but I think for many people who need to live in care, finding somewhere they trust and feel safe in is a huge thing.

Do you also think he is somewhat 'letting you go'? That he thinks he's a 'burden' and wants you to have more of a life for yourself, but can't actually say it? But by staying further away, he'll give you the space you deserve?

As I said, it's really hard to know and it must be such a difficult situation for you both. Is he aware also that you both maybe won't have the retirement together you'd look forward to and feels guilty?

Wishing you both the bets

I suspect he feels safe there. Maybe he can manage his own emotions better if he checks out of any responsibilities. Difficult but maybe the kindest thing he can do too - and maybe he realises that at some level. It is sad, but maybe it is also giving you permission to look elsewhere for emotional connection - if you want to.

There’s a lot of maybes in there - but it does give you the chance to prioritise yourself now. You will have spent the last few years prioritising him and your children.

I’m sorry, that sounds tough. I agree with PPs that he probably feels settled and safe, and he still gets to see you, so he perhaps wouldn’t have meant for his decision to have the impact it has.

It sounds a good idea to nurture your own life outside of the relationship as you say, nonetheless.

Thank you for these replies. I think you are absolutely correct. Sometimes, I get a little blinded by my own perspective, and his response could very well be more connected to fear of change than 'rejection' of me.

My husband has psychotic depression. That is major depressive illness that can result in delusions, hallucinations and extreme paranoia. He is also highly anxious, and he is autistic. All these differences mean that the idea of change can be extremely hard to process and to accept.

When we lived together, and when we saw each other every day, I gave him a lot of support. This is something that I wanted, and still want to do. However, his mental health has deteriorated to the point where he now requires more specialised support.

I think I hoped that a move closer would help us to reconnect, but I realise that this is entirely unrealistic at the moment, and I think it may be unrealistic in the long term.

My emotions are a little fragile at the moment, because I am having to rethink a future that may not be exactly how I had anticipated or desired it to be. However, the replies here have shown that, once the raw emotion is peeled away, I am interpreting things a bit too personally.

I do think it would be cruel not to continue seeing my husband, but I also think I have a responsibility to myself to branch out a little.