So frustrated/resentful with DM

[frustratio]

Just that really...

I think I've convinced myself over the years that DM and I have a close relationship and from the outside it does seem that way.

However, I don't think it's genuine and I would like it to be. I often find myself irritated with her behaviour and resentful of things that have happened in the past.

She's so lovely to other people and is a very kind person but she is also completely self absorbed and will happily dump all her worries on me with little regard for the impact on my life and feelings.

I called her earlier this week, if I didn't call we'd never speak, to check in. She spent 30 minutes talking about herself and then hung up. Not one bit of interest in me or my family.

When I do tell her anything about my life/family she immediately repeats it to all and sundry even if I've asked her not to.

I was recently travelling for work when there was an illness in the wider family. DM had support from friends etc. but was upset she couldn't tell me.

I spoke to my DH about this and we both agree it's not that she wants my support she just wants me to "fix" everything. That's the role I've been given so she doesn't have to carry any burden of worry. Regardless of the fact I have my own issues. I always have to be the "adult" in every situation.

I'm really fed up tbh.

I want to have a good relationship with DM but it feels very surface and I'm quite resentful of how me and my siblings have been treated so differently.

What can I do to move forward and let go of this resentment? There's no point talking to her. She'd never truly accepted what I think

Anyone

Another 'fixer' here. I went long periods of my adult life avoiding my mother, she was selfish, self absorbed, a user and made my childhood hell. As she got older she got worse and even more demanding, she has never taken responsibility for her shit behaviour and I eventually got frustrated with low contact, grey rock and just cut contact altogether. It was hard/awkward for few months but it was the first time I felt real peace. They will never change because they think they are fabulous.
My mum died few months ago, zero regret about NC and I didn't have to be involved in the drama of it all. I highly recommend it.
You can't have a relationship with her as it will only ever be one sided. She isn't really interested in anything except herself.

Yes tiring op. What age group. Mine is all about her. 80s. Kinda low contact now. My daughter on college placement. Conversation was all about my mother! Very draining....

She's in her early 70's.

I think our relationship has always been quite one sided but since having children I've really become aware that the amount of responsibility I've always held isn't normal.

To be fair to her she has been good with my children but I find lack of interest in my life irritating. Coupled with her need to offload all her worries on to me and I'm resentful.

I feel Ive always had to be responsible and as a result never had much of a childhood because it was easier for her for me to be self sufficient

Its not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

You likely only bother with your mother because you've received the Special Training to put her needs and wants first with your own dead last. She's also installed the fear, obligation and guilt buttons in you too. These types are "lovely" to other people as well; other people give them lots of narcissistic supply.

Do you really think she has been good with your children bearing in mind how she is now and has treated you?. Its likely she either over values or under values the relationship she has with your kids and will do similar emotional based harm to them too. She could well be harming them right in front of your very eyes; a look of disapproval, a pinch etc. She could also play off one against the other or further develop a golden child/scapegoat dynamic amongst siblings. If she is too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your kids also.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. I would also suggest you have a look at and or post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. There are other people like you with similar mothers on there.

Step away, my mum has just been round for half an hour, talked about herself as usual and the one time I responded with a sentence she cut me off after about three words. I deal with it by not seeing her very much ( she never contacts me unless she wants something) and when she does articulate a problem I say what are you going to do rather than trying to sort it. I have had to train myself but it gets easier. Oh and grey rocking, which is easy as she never asks me anything and if she does and I answer I can’t get a sentence out as she interrupts.

This is a very good post, OP