Lost friends since having a second child

[Mexicocorn]

It hasn’t happened as a result of a big argument or anything like that but I was part of an antenatal group with my first baby. We remained close and met up regularly with and without children.

I went on to have another and no one else has. As a result I am being pushed out. They are able to go places that aren’t baby friendly and a couple of times when we’ve been out I’ve been left behind as I can’t keep up.

Feeling a bit sad about it and also a bit lonely. Has anyone else experienced this?

I want to dig a bit deeper in the things you've said.
You say "I am being pushed out".
This insinuates an active, knowing effort on their part to push you out of the group, meaning they would rather not have you attend activities.
Are you sure that's the case? Or has your situation just changed and you and this group are no longer compatible?

The reason I make the distinction is because nr. 1 is cause for you to feel angry, mistreated, indignant. Nr. 2 is sad, but nobody's fault.

Same with the expression of being 'left behind'. Have they actively chosen to leave you behind with your 2 children (including a baby)? Because that's mean and inexcusable. Or was it just an activity which was difficult for you to attend, but you chose to anyway, and you couldn't engage in the activity like the others did because you were also caring for your baby?

I think we need more information to really be able to judge whether you're taking things too personally and are feeling offended over something that's nobody's fault and just a consequences of your life changing after having a new baby, or whether this group is just a bunch of mean women who you should want nothing more to do with.

As much as you might get on I do think a lot of antenatal friendship groups are just that - the friendship is based on you all having a similar experience at a similar time and all needing to do activities that are suitable for the ages of your kids. Maybe you could quietly mention to a couple you’re closest to that you’re feeling a bit pushed out, you understand that you might not be included in every activity if they are now moving on to places that are not baby-friendly but you’d like to be included in the kid - free catch ups?

@Hbosh its an interesting way of looking at it. I don’t mean to suggest there is any malice although thoughtlessness plays a part but overall the result is the same … it’s just sad.

They’re not necessarily pushing you out, they just (understandably) want to go to places which are age appropriate for their own children. Are you being excluded from child-free meet ups too?

They weren't your friends. They were a group of people with the common interest of entertain their similar age children.

You know them?

No, they were my friends: they came to my wedding, we got one another through the shit show of Covid, we had nights out, shared experiences. I’m not sure how you define friendship if that isn’t it.

@Caravaggiouch true. It’s just a bit hurtful.

Honestly this is very poor park for thr course. You'll find in time that the parents of the girls tend to meet up together more and the boys then. Then parents at same school see each other . It's the natural order of things and absolutely not personal.
I'm sure they're just glad to be out of the baby friendly places
It's fine to be sad about it though.

@Mexicocorn No, I don't know them, thankfully, and I can tell that no one of my friends have left other behind when having children.
Going to weddings, night out and things like that doesn't necessarily define a friend.
I don't have many, but I can rely on them as much as I would rely on my mother.

Perhaps is that, that we have a different perception of the meaning of Friendship.

Have you suggested some child-free meet-ups? Or perhaps a meet-up once in a while where baby stays home with Dad and you can join an age-appropriate outing with just your eldest? Or invite them to your house where it might be easier to wrangle your baby plus eldest?

I think it’s fine to feel a bit sad that second maternity leave isn’t like the first one in terms of structure/meeting up, but you sort of have to make the effort yourself to initiate the things that mean you can be included, IYSWIM.

I think this is normal when you have your second. Antenatal group friends are like friends you make in first year uni, you are experiencing something mega for the first time and rally round each other for advice and company when on maternity leave. People then go back to work and juggle toddlers and trying for their second and you aren’t in that tight knit club anymore. It just happens. I might see some of my old group occasionally but it isn’t a regular thing at all and we are all just trying to get by managing homes / 1 or 2 children. Also in my experience the novelty of the baby stage wears off, as do baby groups etc and you spend your days going to Aldi etc (it can feel a bit weird sharing so much with your group and then drifting apart like it never happened!)

I’ve just had pictures of them at a park which is baby friendly so I guess it is just me

Im not in this situation but I can definitely see how it happens. Are they meeting up on weekends/days off where previously you may not have been free but now back on mat leave you are free each day and see their meet ups more?

I'm guessing you have a whatsapp group and these are the pictures you are seeing.

Can you send a message separately to a couple and say you'd really like to meet still? In case they assume not because of the baby

I would also suggest getting out to classes with your baby alone if you can and seeing if a new baby group happens for you. Its really sad but it may be that you need some new friends for your new baby activities now too.

Im sorry you feel the way you do. I can't see a reason why they would totally exclude you though, that sounds mean if it's on purpose.

Thanks, I do go to baby groups but friendships don’t really go beyond the superficial. They are nice, they break the day up, but that’s all.

The leaving us happened at a museum, one part wasn’t pram friendly and then when I was putting DD back in her pram the others vanished, I was a bit annoyed at the time but didn’t bother saying anything as I know children can move quickly.

Things do move on but it has made me really sad.

Yes found that too things changed after second. Could you suggest park or something when weather better? Its not nice though being left out. Park covers all the ages

I know … bit lost as to why we weren’t invited today to be honest. I do find one of the women in the group sometimes does this a bit and sort of fixates on one person for a period of time, I probably haven’t explained that well, but it’s never pleasant being left out. I also feel bad for my DS -
obviously he doesn’t know any different.

There's usually some very strong characters (or at least one) who do all the planning so could it be one person has arranged it?

How big is your group? Do you communicate individually or small groups or only on a main Whatsapp?

Mostly it’s done via one group WhatsApp although every so often someone will message someone individually.

There are three of us who don’t work Fridays (and I’m on maternity leave now anyway) and the other two have met up … it’s a bit hurtful. I am on the older side so most of my friends from ‘before’ have primary school aged children. Plus, I don’t live where I grew up.

That is so thoughtless of them. Whatever anyone says it does hurt to be left out and then to see photos of it too.

Would you be up to hosting something for the group to re-engage with everyone and maybe include partners too? Invite everyone for Sunday lunch and get everyone to bring a veggie side dish?

I don’t think anyone would really go for that to be honest and on a practical note there’s no way we could fit that amount of people in!

I can see this. I've had similar happen for whatever reason and it really hurts. I hope they just thought you might not want to with the baby and theres nothing more to it.

Try and organise something next week and say its would be great to see people as you feel like you miss everyone. Its hard to do and you feel daft but sometimes you have to put yourself out there.

I wonder if some of them are struggling to have a second and don't particularly want to be around someone who has what they want but can't have? Or maybe they feel your baby changes the dynamic too much and they are just happier with hanging out with people on the same page as them. If you haven't done anything to upset anyone, then try not to take it personally - although I know that's easier said than done!

@OolongTeaDrinker I know not having another isn’t a choice for everybody. But initially DD was included … it’s as if now she’s out of that very little baby stage they’ve moved on. Possibly unfair.

I feel sorry for DS, as he liked playing with his friends and I just feel a bit pushed out. Thanks for the kindness. I’m wondering whether to say anything but anything I can think of sounds really whiny!

In this scenario the the best sort of message (IMO) is something like ‘Looks like fun today! I’m up for meeting next Friday if you’re free? Would love to see you all.’

But if all the children are at a certain age where they would enjoy an activity then why on earth do they need to change that for your baby? Ok maybe the park was thoughtless, but I can't see the rest as them pushing you out? Can you provide other examples.

Nobody's fault.

We've one. Its great as we can do more adult things generally cos we can just take him with whereever.

One you can manage, two is a mission.

You are at a different life stage and they are enjoying the freedom, that you don't have now you've started all over again.

People do just move on with a change in life stage. Nothing personal.