Engaged but don't know if I should be

[Lavvybas]

This is a long one but I'll try and make it shorter

If you were engaged but thought your dp had feelings for someone else, would you still even want to marry them?

Engaged 4 years, 2 dc and dp is a lovely man, we get on, have never had a passionate relationship but we both thought we would be a good couple and had similar views etc and both getting older. He was never a fan of marriage but he agreed because it was important to me

He has a female friend he met after we got together and I've never seen anything untoward or inappropriate. She seems perfectly pleasant and has been around the children my issue is him. He's not flirty with her but when he talks about her or to her he's got a buzz about him, same when he looks at her all smiley.

I've not said anything because he's not actually done anything, I can just tell he's got feelings for her. My question isnt what should I do about that, it's would you marry someone knowing they had feelings for someone else?

No, I wouldn’t marry or even be in a relationship with someone who has feelings for somebody else.

Of course not.

Well, to be honest, I wouldn’t have had two children with someone I was ‘meh’ about, and who was equally ‘meh’ about me — meeting someone you feel more strongly about is always going to be more of a risk than a relationship with a normal level of engagement. If you plan to continue the relationship then yes, get married, but is this really how you see the rest of your life?

I really wouldn't OP. It might feel like the 'easy' option right now but in a few years time, if all goes wrong for whatever reason, you will look back and wonder what on earth you were thinking.

Could you talk to him about it, say you have noticed how fond of her he is and can't help but worry a little?

Do what’s best for the DC. If you think they would be better supported emotionally ( and financially) by you marrying their father, that’s what you should do.

I wouldn't want to be with someone that is potentially with me because the woman he is in love with just isn't interested enough.
And what happens if one day she is suddenly interested? Would he go running to her?

The thing is though, you don't know he has feelings for her.
And whether he does or doesn't is actually not the biggest issue. The real issue is that you've had children with and gotten engaged to a man you don't feel very strongly about. You have a decent partnership and I'm sure that on paper you look very compatible. But you're not over the moon about him.

And that makes you wonder whether he feels equally 'blah' about you.
And that's how you end up thinking he has feelings for a friend who he does seem to admire somehow. However, your interpretation of what that look in his eyes really means, says more about the things you're missing in your relationship with him, than they do about their friendship. You realise very well that your relationship is lacking something, and so you're probably very worried that he'll end up finding that missing piece with someone else.
I'm not saying he doesn't have feelings for her at all. I don't know. I'm just saying it's equally possible that you're projecting your own insecurities about your relationship on him and this friend.

The only one who can tell you how he feels, is him. And maybe it's not such a bad idea to put the pink elephant in the room out there, rather than talking about looks he has or a buzz he seems to have when he talks about her. All this can just be denied on his end and you'd still be insecure. But maybe you just need to know how he feels about your relationship, the lack of passion.

I must admit... I'm a strong believer in trusting your gut. But there's a difference between a gut feeling and a regular feeling, and I can't quite tell from your post which one it is.

But on the face of it... you've never had a passionate relationship, the way you talk about it is quite business-like, he doesn't want to get married himself, and you think he has feelings for someone else... its okay to have a business-like 'arrangement' relationship if that's what you both want - but is that what you want? Because it doesn't really feel like a good mix for fidelity or a long lasting marriage, tbh.
If you were my friend, and you told me this, and then 5 years went by and you came to me to tell me he cheated, I'd be thinking 'you saw the red flags and chose to ignore them'. Ofc it wouldn't be your fault... but red flags are a gift, and you should take them seriously and think about what the eventual scenario might be, and how that might impact you, your kids, your life.

Can you support your children without any financial input from him if he rides off into the sunset with her?
If not marry him ASAP as you will be entitled to a percentage of the property, his pension, any assets he holds etc in the case of a divorce.