Zero sex drive postpartum

[HugoStar]

I'm looking for some reassurance, maybe some advice, because I'm struggling with my zero sex drive. My partner and I have always been mismatched, his drive is much higher (daily) to than mine (2-3 times a week).

I've always struggled a bit with our different drives. On holidays he would want/expect it every day of the holiday and would get stroppy if it didn't happen. If he really wants it and I'm not in the mood he gets very frustrated which comes out quite mean. He always apologises the next day but I don't think that's helped things. But now he's getting more frustrated and asking for it when he really needs it which I understand but just adds more pressure and I feel I'm stuck in cycle.

We have a ten month old and since then my drive hasn't been great but I think it's actually getting worse. Initially sex was painful which I probably tolerated more than I should have. But that then meant I was anxious about sex making it more painful. I'm still breastfeeding which I know doesn't help because of the hormones, I have the contraceptive implant (don't know if that affects the drive?), we're living in a studio while our house gets renovated so we're all in one room. Baby doesn't go to bed until I go to bed, I've tried earlier but even my laptop glow wakes her so I gave up.

By bedtime I am touched out and want to chill and have time to myself but that's when my partner wants sex. He can't do any other time of day because of work. I don't get any time to myself really. He works really long hours including Saturdays and a few hours on Sundays. His parents can help with childcare but his mum can make snappy or passive aggressive comments which triggers my anxiety so it's not worth exposing myself to her for the childcare.

I know when we move back on our house things will get better but my partner is frustrated and not patient. He says he is scared to have a second baby (I would like to but not anytime soon) because of my sex drive.

I should add I do love him but do struggle with some disconnect from him because of his long hours. I feel like it's my duty or chore as the stay at home mum to have sex and feel like I should force myself to have sex with him to keep him happy so at least one of us is happy.

Any kind words of reassurance would be very welcome

Bleugh, nothing is less attractive than a sex pest. I don’t know how you've maintained such patience.

This is very normal, especially if you are still breastfeeding. Add the pill into the mix and that you are all sleeping in one room and its no surprise your libido is non existent. Your partner needs stop pestering you and understand that it's not your fault. Can you explain that it's not permanent and things will improve when your baby is weaned and you are back in your home? Never feel you have to force yourself to have sex with him, he needs to learn some patience!

Are you a man?

sorry not sorry but I can it believe what I just read

it is NOT normal and I am shocked you would say this. Being mean? Apologising after? Hurting her?

op this man has showed you who he is by being mean and uncaring. Stop having sex when it hurts you. You could try talking to him and telling him how you feel but I doubt he will care.

and yes this is harsh but honestly op you only need to read the hundreds of almost identical posts to yours to see you aren't alone.

and posters normalising it are wrong and should stop it

Your partner is a horrible pig and I have the rage just reading about him. He's abusive and disgusting. Of course you don't want to have sex with him.

Having no libido whilst breastfeeding is completely normal. DD is 15 months and I still haven’t had sex with DP since she’s been born. I have no desire too, plus she doesn’t sleep and I’m knackered and if he made me feel like I had too I’d be even less likely to want too.
You need to tell him the pressure is making you resent him. It’s not fair.

Never have sex unless you want to.

The boundaries of both people should be respected at all times. It should never be forgotten what a woman puts her body through to have a baby. Stories like this make me sad.

I’m single but even if I wasn’t I wouldn’t want to have sex now 15 Months pp. I had a second degree tear and it still feels weird when I bend or squat sometimes. I just couldn’t think about sex. Breastfeeding, cosleeping it’s too tiring right now! And I’m worried about the pain.

it’s your body so you tell him no you don’t want to and you’re just not ready. He’ll have to sulk about it but he shouldn’t be being mean to you. I’m sorry op hope you’re ok. Also, it’s definitely not your ‘duty’ to have sex with him do not force yourself to keep him happy.

This poster meant it's normal to have a lower sex drive when breastfeeding... Not that the OPs partner pestering her for sex is normal.

He is a pig. Tell him to have a wank and leave you alone.

Your partner is being very unreasonbable.
His sex drive is HIS problem, not yours. You shouldn't be having sex with him just because he'll be a pest about it otherwise.

A sexologist I know once said: men need sex to relax. Women need to be relaxed to have sex.
And that sums it up pretty nicely. Your lack of libido right now is abolutely normal, and also an indication that you're having a hard time juggling your living situation, a baby, nasty in-laws, etc. I couldn't imagine wanting sex either in your situation.
Where is his empathy? Where is his effort to help you wind down and relax after your very long and exhausting days? How is he helping you find the right state of mind to be open to sex? No, he's just demanding it.
Don't let him get away with this kind of behaviour.

Please explain to me why you should tolerate pain during sex, because I can get my head around that.

@MadamVastra lm not sure why you have asked if l'm a man! I am a mum ( and a long time mumsnetter) and a grandmother.
My post clearly said it was very normal for the OP to have no libido if she's still breastfeeding and on the pill. I also said her partner needed to stop pestering her and to have more patience. Perhaps you quoted the wrong person?

@Seaoftroubles no I didn't quote the wrong person.

poor man - he's only being a pest eh? Can't help themselves poor lambs.

My god men like this make me rage! It’s perfectly normal to not want sex after having a baby, it’s natures contraception and evolutions way of ensuring the baby has a better chance of survival. It’s the same for most mammals and all apes. I think it’s in chimps that the females don’t have sex for about 5 years after having a baby! On top of that, it’s also perfectly normal to go off sex with a selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate, entitled prick of a man. Does he know sex was painful for you but pushed you into it anyway?

Where did Seaoftroubles show sympathy for the man? In fact they specifically said he needs to stop pestering her.

You misunderstood her first post about breastfeeding lowering your libido and that being normal rather than the partner's reaction being normal and now you're just putting words in people's mouths..

. I feel like it's my duty or chore as the stay at home mum to have sex and feel like I should force myself to have sex with him to keep him happy so at least one of us is happy.

This is so sad. What is it you love about him? He sounds awful.

You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who respects you.

Saying he should stop 'pestering' her is minimising it. Pest is annoying. Hurting is more than pestering.

if this was your daughter would you just say to her oh it's all normal love don't worry he's just being a pest?

He’s an abusive twat. This will only get worse and you will realise how much he’s sexually and emotionally abusing you. This is NOT a normal relationship. You will eventually leave because you won’t be able to endure this any longer. That’s what will happen. I’d get out now, it’s what I did in your shoes and I have never regretted it. You are worth more.

And also do you really believe that her libido will come back and she will be 'come on sexy let's fuck! Your moods and sulks and have made me realise what I've been missing! It could still hurt me you know but that doesn't matter does it darling? I know you only PESTER me when you really need it! And you're so nice and apologetic after! I'm sooooo lucky!

@MadamVastra you obviously didn't read my initial post properly, l was reassuring the OP that lack of libido is normal whilst breastfeeding. l breastfed all 3 of my children and had no libido for a good 6/7 months each time. Luckily my husband was understanding and not a sex pest like the OPs DP. I dont see what l said was minimising and I'm beginning to think you are a just a troll.