How to navigate relationships with ADHD

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

A bit of a strange one, I split up with my ex about 10 years ago. I was pregnant with his child, I decided to go it alone as he just couldn't cope with being a father. He struggles with severe anxiety.

Recently my daughter's school have voiced concerns my DD may have ADHD, she is also real worrier at times. I've now connected the dots and I am almost certain my ex had ADHD and possibly autism.

I'm now thinking that possibly I may have a mild case of ADHD as well. I've been I relationships but they have been unhealthy relationships, I'm 48 and would love to meet someone special. But I do have a tendency of running once someone wants to be serious. I thought it was because I had commitment issues, but after completing my DD'd ADHD forms I see so much of myself in there too 😬 so now I'm wondering if this is what's holding me back.

Has anyone else got ADHD? And how do you navigate relationships?

Pretty sure my DH and sons have ADHD. NHS assessments take a long time to go through (years I’ve been told), but private is faster, if you have that option (for example through work).

Having said that, if you recognise ADHD symptoms in yourself, there’s no harm in looking up techniques that might be able to help you cope better, with any areas of life you struggle with. A lot of work places have policies to help support their employees with these sorts of disorders too, possibly because it’s becoming increasingly common, possibly due to better awareness.

It’s good that the school have recognised that your DD may need additional support and are taking steps to help her. That should mean she has every chance to have a happy education.

Thanks 😊 I guess I'm interested in how your partner and yourself navigated a romantic relationship?

Because so far I've made a mess of it. I think a lot of it is down to ADHD. Most people wouldn't have a clue I've got it, as it's fairly mild in comparison to my ex.

I always start off the same, really liking someone who is completely wrong for me, falling fast and then the whole thing blows up and ends. Or I meet someone who is nice, I lose interest after about 5 minutes and go running in the opposite direction 😬😬😬😬

That sounds more like an avoidant attachment issue than an adhd specific problem? I have adhd and I've struggled with relationships a bit but I think that's because the adhd itself is really annoying for other people to live with more than anything else.

Probably would be best to speak to a therapist to work out what the main cause of it is?

I think everyone is different. As it's a spectrum, we are all different when it comes to ADHD.

I have been with my partner for 18 years.
We've had our share of ups and downs but also been very happy at times.
I was only diagnosed last year and I'm in my mid to late 30s. He is neurotypical.

Maybe you'd be happier with someone who is also neurodiverse? Maybe they'd be more on your wavelength.

That's the problem, my daughter's father was also neurodivergent, I think that's why we came together. But it drive us apart! He was waaaay more anxious and hard to read than I am, he's never been in a long terms relationship and struggles with love. The whole thing was chaotic so I'd be worried the same thing would happen with someone like me 😛

I have ADHD and while yes, it does cause some struggles it is possible to form lasting and loving relationships

I think the key is to really know yourself, including things you know you cannot change even if you tried

Thanks 🙏 so there is hope!

I can relate to that. I have ADHD and it definitely presents some challenges regarding relationships. If I meet someone I really like, I have a tendency to hyperfixate and become obsessed with them, which can cause the spark to burn out quickly and suddenly I'm no longer interested. If I do maintain a longterm relationship, I can find myself getting easily bored with it.

So what's helped for me is, first of all, to force myself to take things slowly, really get to know the person and build on a solid foundation rather than indulging the intense schoolgirl crush feelings I get in the beginning.

Secondly, I've accepted that I'm not the kind of person who can settle down into a consistent and predictable lifestyle. For some people, forming a longterm relationship with someone means settling into a comfortable routine, and I HATE routine! So it's important for me, in a relationship, to maintain a sense of spontaneity, trying new things together, and keeping things interesting.

It's also very important for me to maintain a lot of independence, rather than spending the majority of my free time with a partner which, again, would just lead to me feeling bored.

My partner has ADHD and daughter is being assessed, I’m pretty sure I do also, daughter from previous relationship so hasn’t come from him. We have a one year old together who is very hyper lol.

We are quite different but I’m very accepting as I am needing of acceptance also. I know where I can’t and where I can push a bit. I think it’s harder to find the right person as most people are not accepting of differences and they tend to want house, car, money, children. We are both quite laid back and see what happens and not very fussed about fitting in. I’m comfortable and so he is with who we are.

My previous relationship was abusive, he took the mick out of the fact I didn’t understand a lot about relationships and used me. He claims to have been ND but he was just mirroring me and was down right abusive.

The thing I find hardest to deal with, is DH’s ignorance to how he is. From the little things, like agreeing to do something (hang up your dressing gown, rather than leave it on the floor right by the hook), but forgetting the request. To the big things, like impulse buys, losing interest in a conversation, not completing tasks because he’s distracted. He won’t do anything to address these things unless I get really cross with him, which I hate doing.

As you’re aware of it, my advice would be to read up as much as you can on things that might help you (for example strict routines for day-to-day stuff to ensure things get done and your DD follows them too). I write a lot of lists, with objectives and deadlines, to help keep me on track.

Request a GP assessment for yourself and get on the waiting list, but live as though you have already been diagnosed, to see if a change could help.

Regarding relationships, take them slowly and keep them casual for a long time, to get used to each other.