It's a lack of sex one, my fault?

[Allwelcone]

I have been with DH 20+ years. We have sex at best 4x a year, I've had meno problems in the last couple of years, better now. Thing is i'm secretly glad not to be intimate. I have worked hard not to be always annoyed at him, avoiding him etc. Family members have been/are beong diagnosed with ADHD, I may have it too, and have been working on my mh, meditation, exercising and have been feeling a lot happier since starting fab new job.
I do have a sex drive just not with him, I can't seem to be honest about what i want, it's all wrong. When we do have an honest chat about anything important (not sex) we end up poles apart, it's scary.
We have many many children together and I don't want to leave. He's a good man iyswim.
Please give me a push to get out of this rut. I think it might be a control thing my side.

What do you when you say you "think it might be a control thing my side."?

Well I guess you start by being honest about what you want? Write him a letter if that's easier and allows you to explain clearly and without interruption.

It’s easier said than done but if you want to reignite your sex life then you really need to have a conversation with him.

Could you get a babysitter for the night and go out for a meal, have a glass of wine, a nice relaxed environment and discuss it then? Outside the home, somewhere neutral, no pressure?

Or if you don’t feel like it’s a conversation that you can have in person could you have it over text?

You need to think about what it is you want and then think about how you would feel most comfortable communicating that, that really is the only way.

I think I feel really scared about letting him in, it's hard to explain. Like... safer if I don't. Women in meno age can feel invisible and its like "this is my protest" - against what I don't know!! Life??

It's not fair to take sex off the table and refuse to discuss it. Put on your big girl pants and have the conversation.

@takemeawayagain oh god as if he'd give 2 shits about my letter! I think he finds me annoying and he himself is quite controlling, it's easier just to give in. I've had to do things I havnt particularly enjoyed in bed as it's just easier than seeking to be understood. Like he'd never get it, I need to feel emotionally connected etc, everything perfect. Unrealistic I know. I kind of want it to be Unrealistic/unachievable so I don't have to connect...I sound weird i know.

I do have some nhs counseling starting at some point.

@Mrsttcno1 thank you. Good idea. Its like I drive myself to dislike him sometimes! I wish I could just accept his imperfections and annoying habits.

@MiltonNorthern you're right, I will think about ypur answer, and all the replies, thank you

Your later post suggests you shouldn't be having sex with him. But you still need to discuss it with him.

@MiltonNorthern why do you say it sounds as if I shouldn't be having sex with him, bc of what I said about feeling pressured into doing things which made me uncomfortable?

Yes exactly. It's hardly surprising you've been totally turned off him.

I think a lot of honesty on both sides would probably paint you an interesting picture. He can’t know what you want/don’t want if you don’t communicate it to him clearly and vice versa. I’d definitely recommend (if you can) having a nice night together with a meal etc and try to open the conversation then. It’s not a chat I’d have while watching Eastenders or loading up the dishwasher, it’s one you need to have when you are feeling connected and giving each other undivided attention so a child free date night would be perfect!

I always remind myself when I feel like nit picking at my own husband’s annoying habits and imperfections that I absolutely will have plenty of my own!

I can't seem to be honest about what i want, it's all wrong. When we do have an honest chat about anything important (not sex) we end up poles apart, it's scary.

This is the real problem. The (lack of) sex is a symptom but it's not the central issue.

You never need to have sex you don't want and you should never feel pressured to. But you do owe your partner honest communication about why you don't want sex, and to draw your boundaries if you don't enjoy the kind of sex he wants.

It's not helpful to blame yourself or think about it in terms of "fault", especially as it sounds like he's also terrible at communicating and listening. But you still need to strive for that honest chat - and you say it's scary but you need to feel that fear. Because honesty might take you to difficult places, but it'll take you to real places. That has to be better than hiding yourself and living a lie. Yes, you might end up poles apart for real. Yes, that might involve separation. That might be what's best for you both AND for your children.

He doesn’t sound like a ‘good man’ at all.

I have to ask, how many is ‘many, many’ children? And what ages are they? Don't stay for them, you're both modelling a very unhealthy relationship.

If he still likes sex, you should let him meet someone else.

Thank you for all your replies, I have been dealing with kids so will re read soon but they have been great xx