What is normal to share about your relationship

[ThisLoftyLilacShark]

I know not every relationship is the same but generally speaking I'd be interested to know what information is ok to share with others, how much and to who. I've been having disagreements with mine but they think it's their information to share as it involved them as well.

I think that’s too vague to answer really? It depends on what kind of things you mean, and who the other person is? What “information” do you mean?

disagreements, issues, your discussions, your medical history and your sex life and so on

None of that. What the hell??!!

I don't know how to stop him. I should be able to speak to him about things without someone else knowing about it.

I think for some of these things it depends on what they are actually about and who the person is.

(For me anyway)

• Disagreements, I think most people do mention to their close friends when they have a disagreement with their partner. Sometimes helpful to have an outside perspective, does depend on what the disagreement is over though, if it was over the bins not being taken out or being late home from work or something then yeah thats fine
• Issues, again, depends what you mean. If my husband was like some of the ones you read about on here, not pulling their weight in the house, messy etc, if you’d class that as an “issue” then yeah I’d probably mention that to my friends
• Discussions, I don’t think it’s abnormal whatsoever to mention a discussion you’ve had with your partner to other people, but obv depends what the discussion was about. For example yesterday my husband and I were discussing something we’d seen on the news, I spoke to my friend about a similar thing today and mentioned husband & I discussed it last night. Nothing wrong with that.
• Your medical history, again I think this depends! My husband broke his ankle a few years ago and was having niggling issues with it, I mentioned that to my close friends at the time as I know they had similar so managed to get some tips for him. I’m currently pregnant and I know he shares info from our appointments with his friends and work colleagues, which I don’t have any issue with.
• Sex life neither of us would discuss with anyone else though really I can’t think of a reason why we would, although one of DH’s friends has spoke to us & other friends about their sex life before as they were having issues with ED so it was seeking advice rather than gossiping, and I know one of my friends who has endo discusses their sex life with us, again, seeking advice as she finds sex painful sometimes. So neither example is gossiping but would come under mentioning it to others.

So it all depends I think!

Depends on how close you are to your best friend and how much you trust their silence but I think generally your sex life is private even between best friends unless you have a dire issue like being abused in any way.

As you say, different people have different relationships and it's tricky because we all need a bit of emotional support in life outside of our relationships.

However!
If you've told him you don't want certain information shared (understandable) and he insists on still doing that anyway, he's showing a lack of loyalty to you. Everyone has their own things that are deal breakers for them.
It's fine and totally understandable to not be OK with it - trust your gut and your own boundaries and get rid of him if you feel he's being disrespectful and disloyal. You can't always be wondering what he's telling people about you or be unable to tell your partner things for fear of him divulging to others.

Agree with others it's hard to tell. I definitely would talk to my friends about issues - I value their input and sometimes I just need a rant. I probably wouldn't talk about a particular disagreement, particularly if we'd then moved on an already and dealt with it. Sex life - not really, no. Although I think when younger that was more common! The closest is probably the occasional joke comment. Medical history - depends massively. If it was a medical issue Dh was having and he wanted it to be private and there was no need to disclose it then absolutely, I'd not say a word. But again, with close friends, I think some general chit chat/support in these situations would be normal.

Also depends who they're talking to, and what that person would do. I don't particularly like it if DH talks to his mum or sister, but I do think he has the right to do so if he needs to discuss something and I know that neither of them would be out there telling everyone (well, MIL might a bit, but DH wouldn't go into crazy detail with her for that reason)

Quite normal to discuss your relationship issues with friends, either just to vent or because you want their insights/advice. Same with discussions, do you mean mentioning to a third party that you talked about XYZ because he thinks it’s interesting/funny/relevant? Your medical history - well this depends if he’s saying “Brenda’s had Covid” or “Brenda’s got a persistent prolapse and it looks like a bunch of grapes hanging out of her vag” obviously you’d expect the latter would be kept private. Sometimes my friends and I do discuss our sex lives so that I think is a matter of personal opinion/individual boundaries on whether you feel this is OK or not.

I've talked about all of those things with my trusted friends. I try not to share anything I think is hurtful or could portray DH in a bad light. E.g. I might share that we've not had much sex recently due to busy lives, but I wouldn't share the time he couldn't get it up or whatever (not that DH has ever had a problem with that, it's just an example!)

Sex life - shouldn't be shared with anyone. It's deeply personal (isn't the very definition of being a 'couple' that you share something intimate that doesn't involve anyone else?) and I can't think why anyone would WANT to share such info with other people unless they were 17 and bragging about having had sex.

Your medical history - again, very personal and it's up to you and you alone who is told about it. If he is sharing your medical info with other people against your wishes then he has no respect for you.

Disagreements - it seems very juvenile to talk to other people about your disagreements. What will get solved by telling other people? They can only be solved by discussing it between you two. By telling other people, it sounds like he's trying to get them on 'his side' and to get them to agree that you're unreasonable.

I totally understand if a couple is going through a serious time and one or both needs to confide in a (carefully chosen, trustworthy) friend or family member, as a sounding board or to help support them. Eg when going through a divorce, you need support from other people. But to whinge to other people about every disagreement is childish and will make matters worse not better.

The only things I'd share are the things I'd share if DP was listening (and not in a pass-agg way). Light-hearted disagreements that aren't real issues. DP doesn't put lids on things properly! Gannett just drops her clothes on the floor! That sort of thing.

This isn't quite medical history but when DP was going through a specific tough time at work, I didn't feel I could support him enough and talked to his sister a bit about it - but through the lens of how to best support him.

Some women do seem to think talking about their sex lives is a form of female bonding, I find it utterly horrendous. I try to stop it in its tracks but even passing comments stay with you. I know the favourite sexual position of one of my oldest male friends, and that his girlfriend at the time found him unadventurous. He was my friend before she was!!! And I also know that one couple we know had sex so rarely that she suspected he was gay. I truly wish I could undo ever knowing either of those things.

I try to be open and tell people of my own life experiences when they are struggling. I don't like social media and how everyone paints this perfect picture of their family and relationships. It's good to be authentic. So for that reason I share the good and the bad, the ups and the downs

We generally keep things private between us, but my partner is a decent man and communicates like an adult. We’ve never been through a rough patch, but even if we had, I wouldn’t talk to friends about it as it would be between us.

I chat to friends about my partner in general, only things he’d be fine chatting to them about himself, but I’d never betray his trust/privacy and I expect the same from him.

If he did something that would mean the relationship would be over, like cheat, that would be different. He would have lost the right to trust and privacy.

I would discuss all those things with one or two closest friends. I know my DH wouldn't though. In my experience, most men don't share quite as much detailed information about their life? I guess I could be wrong 🤷‍♀️

He shouldn't be discussing your medical history or sex life with anyone. Those are deeply personal topics. The exception would be something casual like "oh I need to pick up my wife from work because she's broken her leg so can't drive" etc.

The rest, I think it depends on who he is talking to. It's ok to want to discuss problems with close family members and friends. Sometimes we need an outside perspective.

But if he's talking to someone who is a potential threat to your relationship, then you've got a problem. This might be a potential affair partner, or a family member who disapproves of your relationship for whatever reason. Then it becomes a matter of their pair of them effectively conspiring against your relationship.

I hope you are OK OP.

@Noseybookworm I think you are correct