Do not understand my new bloke AT ALL - WTF is going on??

[Janos]

I had some great advice on AIBU yesterday so I'm going to dip my toe in here as well .

This is entirely trivial compared to some of the problems on here, in fact it's not a problem as such, I just need some advice.

I've recently started seeing someone who I really like after 2 years on my own bar a couple of flings and non starters. We've been seeing each other for about 3 months and I'm daring to hope there may be a future in it.

Anyway.

Due to our respective situations we don't have a lot of free time and can only see each at the weekend.

When we do see each other we have a great time. I juss like being with him - he's funny, intelligent, thoughtful and kind, as well as being very attractive.

Well..when I don't see him he seems to be..well the best way I can put it is cold and distant which is very hard to take because he is so lovely when we're together. He tells me how much he will miss me, doesn't want me to leave and then we barely speak during the week. It's like he's a different person and I just don't understand it.

I just don't know what's normal in these situations...when I got together with my XP it was 13 years ago and we were both students so a completely different situation.

Good god this sounds so adolescent. You wouldn't bvelieve I'm in my 30s would you! Thanks to anyone who has waded through that lot!

Is he still with someone else?, it could be hes trying to live his old and new life at same time?

I know exactly where you are coming from. My dp is the same during the week and we live together! Basically I think he gets his work brain on and becomes completely focussed to the extent where he doesn't really notice much else around him. It can be a bit unsettling at times, but I have tried to get used to it. I don't have much help for you as I feel the same way! Perhaps it is a male thing where they just get into their own worlds... !

Is it to do with a preferred communication style? My mum, for example, really dislikes talking on the phone and when I do talk to her on the phone she comes across as - well - maybe not cold and distant but rather abrupt and unfriendly. She is very warm and loving face to face.

Have you talked to him about it? If he does feel uncomfortable on the phone, could you communicate in a different way - msn or email? Or would it make you feel better to just not speak to him when you're not together?

Rosegarden's explanation is also plausible though.

It sounds like he's got someone else, or that he's just taking your relationship as very casual and compartmentalising it, as men often are more capable of doing (not that some women AREN'T though!).

If you want something serious this may not be it.

But to be honest, I think any advice you get here is just theory. You need to talk to him.

ROSE, pretty surehe isn't with someone else, I know that for a fact. Or if he is he's keeping them bloody well hidden cos I've been round to his house and he's introduced me to his mum! So don't think it's that....

I think you may be right bigwombat. He's a mature student in his final year and very focussed on that so perhaps thats it.

hm yes, my dp is like this a bit too. i think in order to cope with the demands of his job, he goes into a bit of a zone, can be quite hard to get him out of it at times, even when he gets home. so i tend to back off and let him get on with it. apparently i can be like it too although i never realised it!

if all is good when you're together, and his behaviour isn't ringing alarm bells, maybe you'll start to understand it better as you get to know more about him..

Hmmm...he did say that he finds talking very difficult and isn't the best at communicating.

Poodlepusher, you are right. He's the person I need to talk to really.

And most days we email or text a few times.

The preferred communication style comment makes sense too, I prefer face to face contact and find all other mediums pretty frustrating tbh!

It could be of course that the problem (id there is one) lies with me.

Janos, i didnt mean two timing you, when you said about 'situations' i didnt know if you meant he was trying to get out of an old relationship or in middle of divirce or something?

forgot to say, have been with dp for a fair few years now and he's always been like this when under pressure or stressed at work. a foible. i like to think.

I find it really hard to communicate on the phone. I sound bored (which I am not), I feel pressured to fill every second by saying something, which usually ends up being, oh sorry I have got to go, the children needs me.

Some people don't like it when they can't see the other person's facial expression.
I would not worry about it. Especially if you are sure that he is not seeing anybody else.
He sounds lovely, good for you.

I see ROSEgarden slightly crossed wires there . No, I'm sure he isn't in a relationship of any sort.

One thing that's just struck me though..he had a bad time when splitting up with his ex(he was in love, she cheated on him) and so maybe he's a bit wary of it happening again. He's been quite open about that and talked about it quite freely.

The pressure thing does make sense...

I can see that really we are going to have to talk about this...it just helps to get other peoples perspective cos I don't have tonnes of female friends so thank you .

i'm in a very similar position ....tho i did tell him early on that i hated the phone so might have shot myself in the foot there

but i have had a few wobbles thinking er why havent i heard for like 24 hours but in fact i think it is in my head

i think he just does other stuff when we aren't togehter and we live 100 miles apart

mostly we exchange a couple of emails a day and play scrabulous

not sure what more to expect really without being completely obsessive

we have been seeing each other every weekend

Alot of blokes just don't lke talking on the phone. My DH was exactly like that when we started going out together. He'd only have very brief factual phone calls to arrange where to meet or whatever. He was completely baffled when |I tried to drag the call out and just "chat". It was just something he had never done and it genuinely wasn't to do with how he felt about me; he just didn't grasp "chatting on the phone".

I do wonder if a lot of it is my own insecurities coming out, Zippi. I can completely relate to the wobbles and why haven't I heard thing when he is just getting on with stuff.

I don't want to push him or stress him out with constant demands..I don't think I do but am wary of doing it without realising IYSWIM.

It doesn't help that my last boyfriend was a complete nutcase so my expectations and 'internal guidelines' on how to behave are all over the place.

well, i'm a bit like this. i don't like talking on the phone, i will text or email. and you've said he texts / emails most days. that's what i'd do. i just don't need that high level of contact when i'm not with the person. it doesn't necessarily mean anything deeper!

i think you should take him at face value - he says he will miss you. i'm sure he does. he just doesn't need to text or speak on the phone all the time.

i did say at the weekend i would miss him as it seemed a long time till 3 april which is when i will see him next and he did say shall i ring you then...i said yes..and he said ok but i dont know when it will be...so that was kind of reassuring

that was about as far as i got on expressing the needy bit

i am trying not to sound clingy tho

i chatted to lou about this and she said i was being silly..at least i think that is what she said

Thanks warthog. I did feel I was being insecure. I have no reason at all to think he is hiding any awful big secret or anything like that.

TBH...I'm not so good on the phone either.

I shouldn't go looking for problems where there are none!

And Zippi I can really relate to how you feel. What you say refelcts just how I feel. It's so frustrating isn't it?