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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do? Forget it....I'm so gutted

23 replies

KhakiTraybake · 14/03/2024 07:05

Ive been seeing my boyfriend 15 month, were both 49. We both have two kids each from ex marriages. Seem to be getting on great, only he's been really hurt in the past so is guarded and has a problem saying he loves me. He treats me like he loves me, he writes in cards " all my love"

He drives for 4 hours sometimes just to spend half an evening with me. He gets on great with my kids, they love him.

But every so many month he goes cold, distant. Blames this on his job, he works away, lots of night shift.

Anyways again this week he's said the same thing
" he doesnt want a full on relationship"

So I replied to his message " OK " and that was two days ago.....

I'm so gutted as I thought we had something, I feel a complete idiot. I also feel horrible having introduced him to my kids....

I'm hoping to be strong enough to cut contact and not look back as this hurts like hell.

Not sure what advice anyone could give me...just feel so sad and stupid.

OP posts:
Lampan · 14/03/2024 07:08

Well he’s being pretty clear how he feels. Nobody should have to cope with a relationship in which someone could go cold any time. It’s so unfair on you. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Stay strong and DON’T message him again. If he gets in touch again, you need to be upfront and tell him what you want, and if he doesn’t want the same then you can’t continue, non-negotiable.

Loubelle70 · 14/03/2024 07:09

This gets old real quick. He will constantly do this hot cold dynamic.

Personally, i would message him one last time...just so he doesnt come back. Tell him you want someone thats all in so you agree it has to end... wish him good luck and tell him you are blocking him as you need to move on.
And do so.

SpringleDingle · 14/03/2024 07:17

Loubelle has it! Block, delete and move on. This guy will fuck up your head, your self esteem and will waste your time. You won’t fix him, he won’t one day magically want to be all in. He is flaky and will stay flaky and you’ll get hurt a lot.

WoodBurningStov · 14/03/2024 07:28

He sounds like damaged goods, or he's using this behaviour to cover that he's up to something he shouldn't be. Either way it's not worth the hassle. The constant push / pull dynamic is toxic

Original poster
KhakiTraybake · 14/03/2024 07:41

Sorry should have said....I blocked him on my social media. Set my FB to SINGLE....feel so childish but .....and ive deleted everything.

In the past he's took a few days, weeks then came back saying he's sorry he's just scared of being hurt and he has very strong feelings for me he just cant say the words....and I've took it all in, and we carried on....

I feel used and not good enough. I hate how this has made me feel.

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
ChihuahuasREvil · 14/03/2024 07:46

The way to deal with having been hurt is not to hurt someone else. Well done OP, you deserve better than this. I’m sorry it’s not turned out how you wanted it to, but well done for being strong and having the sense to put a stop to it now.

MinervatheGreat · 14/03/2024 07:48

Today’s a new day. Embrace it and look ahead.
You’ve dodged a bullet, be glad of that.
Well done for blocking him . Stay strong and keep it that way. He was like a randy dog, prepared to travel miles for the benefit of being with you, but on his terms.
No experience is wasted.
Well done. The penny finally dropped for you.

DrunkenElephant · 14/03/2024 07:50

You really do deserve better than this.

Someone who loves you wouldn’t treat you like this. That’s literally the bottom line.

If he was scared, he would come and talk it through with you. He would seek therapy. He would do whatever it took to make the relationship work and make you feel secure. He’s not doing that is he?

Hot and cold behaviour is designed to make you feel anxious and on edge, walking on eggshells not to upset him and tying yourself up in knots.

Don’t let him do this to you. The cynic in me is also wondering what he’s doing in those weeks where he’s “single”…

Cantabulous · 14/03/2024 08:52

Well done OP. A cold ‘OK’ and blocking is absolutely the right thing to have done. If someone can’t say they love you, it’s because they don’t love you. This guy is not good enough for you.

samestyle · 14/03/2024 08:54

Don't give him any more chances, its always the same outcome. I don't believe bs scared of being hurt etc, it's only him causing this! He just wants you when it's convenient for him. Stay strong and don't feel sorry for him if he comes grovelling about his issues next time, he's taking advantage of you because you have feelings and your kind enough to keep giving chances.
It's not that you isn't good enough, he's too self destructive and selfish to appreciate you, has he ever settled down?
If not he's probably a player that does this act all the time.

Original poster
KhakiTraybake · 14/03/2024 09:07

Yes just to add....he was married 23 year she cheated and they split up. A year later he met someone else, moved in woth her within 3 month....she spent hos money and ditched him after a year.....this is why he's so messed up he recons.

Strage as it sounds I never once suspected he was seeing other women, I felt like I could trust him 100%

I've never experienced mixed signals in a relationship like this....
At 49 it's all a bit stupid. I feel so bloody sad I hate this feeling....I need to buy myself something.haha thanks everyone

OP posts:
Cantabulous · 14/03/2024 09:26

Hey I’m 62 and still get caught out! It’s not stupid to be hurt, it’s human, whatever your age.

Loubelle70 · 14/03/2024 09:52

KhakiTraybake · 14/03/2024 07:41

Sorry should have said....I blocked him on my social media. Set my FB to SINGLE....feel so childish but .....and ive deleted everything.

In the past he's took a few days, weeks then came back saying he's sorry he's just scared of being hurt and he has very strong feelings for me he just cant say the words....and I've took it all in, and we carried on....

I feel used and not good enough. I hate how this has made me feel.

Thanks everyone x

Block him on your phone..whatsapp.. everywhere x

Original poster
KhakiTraybake · 14/03/2024 12:40

@Loubelle70 I can't, I deleted his number and all call logs....so dont have it. If he messages I'll block him.

Reading everyone's replies makes me see how silly I've been giving him chances in the past. I deserve so much better and it's his loss completely. Thank you everyone I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Peekaboobo · 14/03/2024 12:43

Where did you meet him? I'm assuming he lives quite far away from you?

samestyle · 14/03/2024 12:48

Don't feel silly, we've all experienced something similar, it's easier said than done to walk away when you want it to work and you've done enough and learnt you can't keep giving chances, it's his loss and issues never to trust a relationship again.

Original poster
KhakiTraybake · 14/03/2024 18:18

@Peekaboobo we grew up in the same town in the NEast. I moved down South...

We started messaging after a friend request on FB

OP posts:
RandomForest · 14/03/2024 18:25

Sounds liked he's fucked his own life up and is insisting on ruining yours.

Don't give him that power.

He'll be like this forever more, unable to take responsibility for his own decisions, he also sounds like a liar.

roses321 · 14/03/2024 18:25

You're not sad or stupid, and regardless of what excuses he's giving you, he is doing this on purpose and he knows what he's doing.

the issue is him and not you. I know it's really painful starting over but please understand that this is normal, the fact you said "ok" just says it all, but you know he'll come back right? And he'll try and persuade you that it's all just his deep inner wounds and he's so sorry blah blah blah to get you back again when he feels like it.

What he wants is to be able to pick you up and put you down when he feels like it - genuinely, he's showing you exactly that, and he's plain said to you he doesn't want a relationship that is equal, he just wants one on his terms. He comes over because it's what HE feels like doing so don't do what i've done and be like "oh but he does this so it must mean he cares" - no, he does that because it's what HE wants to do at that particular moment.

My wholehearted advice is to cut people like this off from accessing things they want: Sex, somewhere to stay, money, company, eating together, cooking for him etc etc. Any benefits he gets from you - cut them off. That's what he wants, not a genuine and full connection with anyone.

OK is about the best answer you could have given. And when he inevitably comes back with a sob story I'd literally read it and left it on read, no response. What a prick. But he's one of many unfortunately, this website is full of reports of these jerks.

roses321 · 14/03/2024 18:26

KhakiTraybake · 14/03/2024 09:07

Yes just to add....he was married 23 year she cheated and they split up. A year later he met someone else, moved in woth her within 3 month....she spent hos money and ditched him after a year.....this is why he's so messed up he recons.

Strage as it sounds I never once suspected he was seeing other women, I felt like I could trust him 100%

I've never experienced mixed signals in a relationship like this....
At 49 it's all a bit stupid. I feel so bloody sad I hate this feeling....I need to buy myself something.haha thanks everyone

If that's the case get therapy instead of hurting everyone else. It's bullshit and excuses. The fact he was hurt isn't your fault, the fact he's hurting others because of it is asking you to own something that is actually nothing to do with you. It's not YOUR problem what he did, but he's making it that way by passing on heartbreak and pain because HE suffered. We all suffer dude, man up and get a counsellor and keep your dick in your pants while you do.

solice84 · 14/03/2024 21:31

KhakiTraybake · 14/03/2024 09:07

Yes just to add....he was married 23 year she cheated and they split up. A year later he met someone else, moved in woth her within 3 month....she spent hos money and ditched him after a year.....this is why he's so messed up he recons.

Strage as it sounds I never once suspected he was seeing other women, I felt like I could trust him 100%

I've never experienced mixed signals in a relationship like this....
At 49 it's all a bit stupid. I feel so bloody sad I hate this feeling....I need to buy myself something.haha thanks everyone

So he says

Sceptical123 · 14/03/2024 22:16

Sound’s like he may be in another relationship he’s juggling. Dodgy whatever.

Loubelle70 · 14/03/2024 22:47

KhakiTraybake · 14/03/2024 12:40

@Loubelle70 I can't, I deleted his number and all call logs....so dont have it. If he messages I'll block him.

Reading everyone's replies makes me see how silly I've been giving him chances in the past. I deserve so much better and it's his loss completely. Thank you everyone I really appreciate it.

We have all Been there.. you're not silly. You were just hopeful. Xxx

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