Difficult family situation

[wheretogonext777]

I have been experiencing a difficult situation with my parents (esp mum) and sister which has resulted in family conflict which I have been struggling to deal with. My partner and I adopted our daughter several years ago and are busy working parents. I have one sister who is 2 years older than me, she moved to Australia a few years ago. She was coming back to the UK for lengthy periods at first and her and her partner wanted to stay with us for long periods, which we accommodated. My sister would not ask us in advance, but communicated through my mum (I consider this triangulation). As I am the youngest, historically, the dynamic is that I would toe the line which I have done. However when we adopted my daughter, my sister wanted to come and stay soon after. We told her this was not possible and this created a huge argument. This was the beginning of the rift.

At this point my sister obviously bad mouthed me to her best friend. This girl, 'D' has become close with my parents since my sister moved abroad, and she then defriended me on Facebook. I told my mum what had happened - she was shocked and said she would confront 'D'. However weeks or possibly months passed, and my mum never mentioned it again. I raised it again with my mum, and she said she did not remember me telling her this. This seems like gaslighting and was incredibly hurtful. My mum and dad then told myself and my partner they had asked 'D' what happened about her defriending me. 'D' claimed they hadn't done it / it wasn't significant. My mum and dad then said they did not understand social media and what it all meant - this kept being repeated (even though my mum is more active on Facebook than me). I have found all of this incredibly hurtful. When I speak to my mum now there is often some form of conflict or underlying tension. I feel as though my sister (who speaks to my mum very frequently) is briefing against me and my partner and like there are secrets. I may be being paranoid but I think you can sense these things. When my sister and her partner come over they are happy to take lifts, meals etc from us but do not give anything in return and we are hardly in contact otherwise.

I have been experiencing anxiety (possibly related to perimenopause) and feel somewhat stuck at work. All these factors together have made me feel increasingly anxious and I am finding these family issues are consuming me, I can't stop thinking about it all and have had a number of illnesses, I believe it's now affecting my health. I have such a beautiful bond with my daughter and am so happy to be a mum. I think this development is possibly part of the problem with my family dynamic. I have decided to seek therapy but in the meantime I wondered if anyone had any light to shed on this situation from similar experiences. Thank you for taking the time to read this 🙏

Sounds like you have a highly toxic sister. I also have one of those. The only solution for me was to eventually go no contact.

My sister causes conflict wherever she goes, is highly dysfunctional, and refuses to respect boundaries. Wherever you set a line, she will cross it.

Nothing is ever her fault. She points the finger of blame at everyone else and has a complete meltdown whenever anyone dares to call her out on her behaviours.

If this is the kind of person you are dealing with, your only option is to stay away from them.

They never change. If anything, they get worse as they get older.

It is not possible to have a relationship with people like that.

So you had a spat with your sister, she had a bit of a man to her best mate (perfectly normal) the outcome of which was her mate "unfriending" you on social media?

Storm in teacup much

I mean yeah, your sister is a bit cheeky in how she goes about expecting you to host her visits but everything else just seems like a dramatic over-reaction.

It sounds like your mum doesn't want to get involved or pick sides in the conflict.

Yep...ive been similar situation.
I think as growing up...like me..you were made a scapegoat, black sheep as it were. Dumping their shit on you whilst not listening to you.

You need to set boundaries if you plan on staying in touch with anyone in your family.
You are doing the right thing in regards to your daughter...she needs to be settled not have house full of strangers , which is what they are to her. Even so, if you don't want anyone staying, family or not, you dont have to have them there, its your house!.
Dont bow to pressure...you cant control how anyone thinks. Let them slag you off, you cant control that.

Anyone says anything? Tell them its between you and sister no one else...if they keep it up, tell them youre not talking about it with anyone other than sister. Leave.

I think strong boundaries are needed,dont try to appeal to anyone your side, its not worth it.

This sounds like very little has actually happened but your response is a bit over the top (I mean this kindly) making claims of gaslighting and triangulation over what are really minor events, lots of this seems to be speculation.

Yes your sister has been unreasonable and you should be wary of her talking shit about you to your mum but that's it really. Clear communication and strong boundaries needed.

Talk simply to your mum about your side of the story. Does she agree with you about your sister staying with you? What is the normal family dynamics? Are you the scapegoat and your sister the golden child? Does everyone tiptoe around your sister to apease her? D really doesn't matter here at all.

Your sister has made a meal of not being able to stay with you. That's her issue and yes, she can bitch about it to her friend if she wants...even if she's in the wrong.

I'm not sure why you're taking it so seriously. D unfriending you makes the pair of them seem daft.
Your mum doesn't have to referee.

I think my sister may feel this about me. Could you be being paranoid? I would take a step back.

I am not minimising how you feel and I’m sure you should listen to your instincts but about your sister’s friend “D” I would just take a big step back. Who cares if she’s friends with you on social media or not?

Yep 👍

Thanks very much for all the replies, it's really helpful.
I may not have made it clear that I'm not remotely bothered about the social media unfriending, it was my mum's refusal to acknowledge it had upset me - to the point of pretending it hadn't happened - that I found really hurtful.
There are many other instances of lying and manipulation which it is hard to convey here.

But why are you running to your mum telling her about someone unfriending you on Facebook?

Why do you need her to acknowledge it? It's nothing to do with her.

If my 16 year old came to me making a drama about such a non-event I would probably roll my eyes at him!

I think it's about the specific context - this friend of my sister is regularly socialising with my parents - greatly encouraged by my sister. She is also a manipulative drama queen. I totally see your point though.

Family roles sometimes shift around a bit and emotions can rise when a new child arrives in the family, so perhaps this is what is happening here?

Stand firm in your new role as mum, rise above the petty ‘friend’ and prioritise your daughter.

Thank goodness your sister lives in Australia!

Back off, concentrate on your daughter, and let them find other people to be dysfunctional with. You won't win and will get hurt.

The fact your sister wanted you to put her above the settling of your newly adopted daughter tells you everything you need to know about her.

This

OP - your response to it all is OTT.
So - your sister’s friend unfriended you. Bug deal ? - don’t you have a life and kid to focus on????
And why do the same - run to mommy for protection? You are a grown up. Talk to your sister yourself.

Maybe counselling can help you dig into why this minor event snowballed into this.

You response to something reality minor is way too ott. By the sounds of things this lady is your sister's friend and has now become friends with your parents. She unfriend you no big deal. Whether it was because your sister was moaning about you is pretty irrelevant.

The fact that you even discussed that you were unfriended with your mother is a bit ott. You say yourself that your parents do not understand social media but even they seem to understand that being unfriended is no big deal. The fact that you expected your mother to remember and to confront this lady about you being unfriend is ott.

Honestly you need to move on from this and focus on your own family.

Sorry op but I agree with pp.

You've said that you were upset by your sister's friend unfriending you. So much that you went to your mum and asked her to challenge the friend.

I wouldn't expect a teenage daughter to expect me to intervene (in fact they'd be mortified I expected them to) in such a situation, let alone an adult daughter.

I wouldn't even think to discuss such a thing with my mum, let alone expect her to intervene or take sides.

Your sister sounds entitled, so I don't blame you for keeping your distance.

Op, you may be better posting in the Stately Homes thread in Relationships, that's specifically for people with difficult families and people will be more understanding/get what's happening there.

There seems to be a pattern of communication between you and your sister (and her friend) going through your mother. Presumably this is a long-standing pattern and it might be interesting to think aabout how it came about and why it is perpetuated. You are maintaining this by expecting your mother to discuss facebook unfriending with D and to mediate in issues such as your sister coming to stay. It doesnt seem this approach is helpful for you, and each tome it doesnt work in the way you want it to you are upset again. Obviously I dont know the dynamics or the reasons - but if its an unhelpful pattern for you than looking at ways of taking her out of the middle may be worthwhile.

I understand OP. I think you have to experience it to understand. I have experienced it.
I think its not just these instances, but indicative of years of being mistreated and scapegoated... therefore we try to appeal to the people that are supposed to be someone who champions us...our parents. Oc they wont intervene but i get why youre frustrated ...theyll listen to your sister and her flying monkey but not you. So you feel like they are taking sides with sister whilst not even listening to your side.i was the same.

But, i stopped appealing to my mum. I just wanted to vent rather than her agree. She also listened to my sisters side but not mine, i now know its because they feared my sister causing them drama if they disagreed with her. I also grew a pair...i made very strong boundaries. No...not getting involved, that's my rules and boundaries and im saying no more about it. Let them chat fart about you OP. Stay indifferent to them. Its helped me.

If you aren’t bothered by the defriending why should your mum acknowledge it’s upset you?

Completely understand your reaction, OP, and I'm sorry people are minimising it - narcissistic family dynamics are horrible to live with. Your sister has been royally taking the piss for years. It would be one thing if she kept up with dynamic with your parents and you were left to get on with your life, but the fact that she - and your parents - expect you to provide a hotel service to her at the drop of a hat is outrageous.

Your parents do what a lot of parents do with a narcissistic child, try to appease her. But essentially that means throwing you under the bus. I would tell them straight how much you resent being used in this way by your sister (why the hell didn't she stay with them?), and that going forward that won't be happening. Ignore your sister and her idiotic friend and live your best life with your lovely family.

I don't understand why you give a stuff whether your sister's mate ditched you on Facebook. Yes, she spends time with your parents, but that's their relationship, not yours.

As to your mum denying you said anything - chances are it was such a daft thing to complain to her about she forgot it about it. I would; it's nothing t do with her who this lass has as a Facebook friend.

Just shake off all that nonsense. You have a daughter to focus on. Silly mind games about social media and who said what to whom are not relevant to your day to day life.

Reject the nonsense and focus on the people in your life who really matter.

I totally see your point. I guess it's about context - sister's friend is known to me for over 20 years - we've been on holidays together etc, known since school days - which is why it felt significant.

It might feel significant, but it isn’t.

Facebook is like EastEnders - full of drama if you get caught up in it, nonsense to click past if you decide not to.