I can't get past it

[BlastedPimples]

I'm getting divorced.

It's been a horrible time.

I can't afford therapy.

I feel paralysed with distress.

I keep getting flashbacks of incidents that just make me want to never get out of bed again.

I woke up at 4am this morning remembering one time when I had read suggestive messages on my stbx's phone. He had lied about giving a woman a lift home and had been vile to me for about five weeks. I knew something fishy was up.

I asked him about the messages I had read. This was at 9.45pm.

He went beserk. Shouting, screaming abuse. Waking up the dcs with his screaming. Smashed up my phone. Telling me I was useless without him. Fat bitch. Cunt etc. That the dcs hate me. This went on for two hours.

We were all huddled in bed whilst he ranted and raged at me. The dcs were scared but eventually fell asleep. He came into the bedroom and kept shaking me awake throughout the night to make sure I didn't sleep.

The next morning, he still called me names but not screaming. Then he left for work.

This was all because he was having an affair. I know this now.

This was one of a few similar incidents over the last three years. But this extreme behaviour that was so vicious and vindictive has floored me. I keep having flashbacks to them and I feel so shattered by them 18 months on.

I cannot escape them in my head. I'm scared of everything. I don't want to get up and do anything. I feel like I can't.

I had no way out. We had just moved to a foreign country. I had no job. No language. We are nearly divorced now. The dcs and I are safe from him.

I feel like the legacy of this awful behaviour has destroyed any optimism and future.

Morning!
I’m awake, and divorced.
let me go make a coffee, be with you in a sec.

I’m back.

Have you found your anger yet? What happens is we’re crushed for a while, that’s normal, but then we find our anger and that’s when we start rolling the ball. Which makes me think that’s why you started this thread.

For now, grab a pen and paper (or write here) and let it all out. Then (and that’s important), have a shower and put some clean clothes on. It’s washing all the sorrow.

If you wake up in the middle of the night, tell yourself: this is not my time to think, this is my time to recharge my batteries, I will deal with these thoughts at 6.30 in the morning. And then get up at 6.30 (or whatever time you’d normally wake up) and write it all out. It doesn’t have to be coherent, just let it out.
We’ll be here.

Divorce is horrible.

Divorce from a highly abusive man is even worse. It's high conflict and keeps you in a state of high alert / fight-or-flight. Especially when there are children involved.

What you are going through is totally understandable and deeply destructive to your mental health.

Things will get better in the future. Yes, it will take time. Yes, it will be hard. But WELL DONE for getting out.

He is a total bastard. You didn't deserve any of this.

Please reach out to the domestic abuse charities who will be able to signpost you towards support. Perhaps start with Women's Aid.

It takes a long time to recover from this kind of abuse. Take all the help you can get, and do not stay silent. Speak up about what has happened to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You will find your strength at some point and you will be amazed at how strong you are.

None of this is your fault. Lots of us have been through it. Men like that are weak, useless cowards with nothing to offer. He's just a piece of shit that you are now scraping off your shoe.

Hey OP, this sounds like classic PTSD. When the flashbacks just won’t leave you alone.
I have a therapist for this, and she is a lifeline. Do you have any way to get a counselor or therapist?
in the meantime: your feelings are valid. “Name it to tame it,” my therapist tells me. You get to feel angry, you get to feel scared. It’s horrible what happened to you.
then: confirm your safety. In the moment you realize you are having a flashback, take deep breaths, name how you’re feeling, then confirm your safety. Look straight ahead of you - what’s there? List it. Tell yourself you are safe. Ie:” there’s a window. It’s shut. No ones out there. I’m safe.
look to your right. Do the same thing. Look left, same thing. Don’t skip these steps- actually do them.
look up, and look down. Keep naming what you see, and keep saying you’re safe.
by the time you’ve done all of them, you should be back in the present, and the past horrors should have released their grip a bit.

but with ptsd, it takes time and patience. It won’t change overnight, but it WILL get better. I used to have such horrible, uncontrollable shaking, I thought I’d never be able to go in public again or hold down a job- I just never knew when the attacks would happen, or when I’d not have control of my crying.
I have a good job now, and deal with challenging things, and I feel solid as a rock.
I feel stronger than ever, because once you’ve walked the warrior’s path of healing this, you will be so much stronger than ever before.

just remember to confirm you are safe, and breathe through the attacks like they are labor pains.

if it’s really bad, something strong tasting on your tongue can bring you back into your body. Something like very strong, very sweet tea.

hang in there- you’ve got this. You’re going to be ok.

You and your children deserved none of that. No wonder you’re traumatised and scared, you can be referred through your gp for trauma counselling, I know it can take a while, but get on the list now. Have you got any other family or friends around you that know what’s going on? He sounds really, really vicious verbally. I hope he hasn’t physically hit you too? Call women’s aid, they can offer support privately from a distance and he never has to know.

I had some good advice from a friend last night when i told her about an assault i’d suffered. She told me you have to reframe yourself as a warrior, a survivor.

you got out. You’re still breathing.

YOU WON.

I do get angry on the days when I feel stronger.

Angry with myself for being such a weakling.

I was never a weakling before but this man showed how absolutely terrifying it can be with someone screaming in your face.

And yes, he did assault me. Been convicted of it but claims the charge would never have been brought in the UK.

We live in a different country atm.

It's just unbelievable to me how badly he behaved and still doesn't admit it. Not that I need him to admit it.

I feel like I have to remember it all to process it, to feel the worst of it. That way I can't be taken by surprise by remembering it again.

Hi OP.
Please reach out for support from us at Womens Aid. We are there for the aftermath too
Xxx

You were in an abusive relationship, that is traumatising and just because it’s now over, doesn’t mean the effects of the trauma are going to disappear.

Its going to take time and a lot of self love.

Please keep posting on here and trying to get support in real life.
Some books may help, although I don’t have any recommendations myself but other posters will.

Your life will get better now but you may not see it straight away.

You were not weak.
You were in an abusive relationship.
You were strong enough to end that relationship.
Be kind to yourself because you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

This is amazing advice OP. I immediately thought PTSD, as a family member has it. The steps in this post are EMDR, the best approach to PTSD. Until you can access full therapy, I recommend you follow these steps.

You are an amazing person to have battled through this far. Keep going. In time you will be great. Best of luck x

Hi OP,

I understand I'm 3 months on from him leaving. We have two young kids and he just walked out and didn't come back one day. Just over a year ago I found out he was having an affair and I still get flash backs or it. He gaslight me so I kept going through it each time if find something that didn't add up. He finally admitted he did have an affair and honestly the gaslighting and flashbacks of all the times I calmly went to him and him lying is what messes me up now.

Lots of wise women on here that are on the other side of it all that will give you great advice. X