Lack of intimacy

[Feelingflaaaat]

I have a wonderful relationship with my husband - except for one thing, my lack of libido!

I've been to the GP, had hormone levels checked etc. Nothing apparently medical, I just have an apparently non-existent sex drive.

For the sake of transparency I have a history of being raped/sexually assaulted. In the past I've been very proactive about instigating sex, but as I've been working through the trauma in therapy I've found my interest in sex dwindling to the point where it's non-existent.

There is no pressure from my DH at all, but I'm worried that I'm letting us drift towards sexless marriage territory - which I absolutely don't want. What tf is wrong with me?! Any tips on maintaining that intimacy when you just don't fancy sex?

@Feelingflaaaat

wine and sex toys?

Sounds like you've dredged it up all over again in therapy.

Who would want sex any time soon after talking about past sexual trauma?

Either you've discovered you were not much into it and going through the motions because you feel it's expected of you...in which case, therapy is working as you are realising you don't owe anyone your body.

Or...it's just bringing up the past unnecessarily and causing more harm than it's resolving. However, that isn't to say it might not be resolving things once and for all now so that it can come to the surface and overcome.

There nothing wrong with you.
But you're going to have to focus on nurturing other forms of intimacy whilst you process things.

This is not a question you need to answer publicly (although i suppose nobody knows who you are so what the heck!) but ask yourself if you masturbate in any form?

If you do, then you must still have some libido but not with your dh / other people.

Perhaps if its possible, if you get an urge to masturbate you could include your dh?

What does your dh say? Or, if you've not talked to him about it, why haven't you?

@Feelingflaaaat hugs, kisses, cuddles, hand holding. Even eye contact. When you look at him do you look at him, or do you just see him. Do those things and it'll help your connection.

Thanks all.

We have a lot of (non-sexual) physical contact - lots of kisses, cuddles, foot rubs, hand holding etc. I love him very much and find him very attractive, I just don't particularly fancy sex. Ever.

I don't really masturbate either anymore, and penetrative sex has not been possible for a while, which is something we have talked about - we've had a satisfying sex life in other ways and he's very considerate. But more and more I'm not even bothering with "maintenance" sex.

This isn't helped by my job being especially stressful at the moment, and feeling really run down and exhausted.

@Feelingflaaaat I hope he is loyal and supportive of you. Otherwise would be unjust and a real shame. It's not your fault that you feel like this and nobody should ever do something that they don't want. Have that honest communication and keep those non sexual moments going and I'm sure you can get through it

But more and more I'm not even bothering with "maintenance" sex

Do you mean you're not bothering with sex you don't want?

Thank you. He really is so supportive. It's been a long and difficult process of coming to terms with things, with a lot of anger and shame and erratic behaviour at times, and he's been there through it all.

I don't think that's quite an accurate description - physically I'm completely ambivalent/disinterested, but emotionally I like to have that connection and closeness. So it's a conscious choice to do something I can't really be arsed with because I know I'll be glad that I did it afterwards.

@Feelingflaaaat It's great that he's supportive. It shouldn't be a "Deal breaker" now. It wouldn't be for me. But it would have been in my younger days. I'm sure you'll be fine and have many happy years together. good luck!

Get some sexy literature from the library or bookshop and read it aloud together

How long have you had no libido for? And how long have you been in therapy for?

I used this exact quote on another thread today, so I hope your forgive me re-using material.
A sexologist I'm friends with once said to me:
"Men need sex to relax. Women need to be relaxed to have sex."
And if we look at that quote and now place it in your situation.

How is sex ever relaxing when you have all this trauma hanging over your head, all these negative experiences tied to sex.
You've been in therapy, which can re-traumatise you because you're being asked to work through all these unprocessed memories and emotions, making you feel powerless all over again. All those negative associations are being brought back up.
You've had a rough time at work, generally not feeling very good.

No wonder you don't feel interested in sex! Maybe just stop expecting so damn much from yourself.
Your husband seems like a loving and supportive man. Talk to him. Take the pressure off. Let hem reassure you that he's happy the way things are and you don't need to be forcing yourself to want sex when you're in no way in the right headspace for it.

Therapy for five years (slow progress, I know!) Lack of libido has been steadily increasing, but particularly bad for the last four months or so.

Thank you for the understanding and kind words. I suppose that i'm just frustrated that I don't seem to be moving past the assaults like I had hoped that I would.