Losing contact with a step parent...

[ColinFuckingRobinson]

....When your parent separates from them. What were your experiences?

I have covid and am feeling quite unwell, so I'll be going to bed once I've posted this and I'll check the thread in the morning and respond to any posters that may reply.

My partner and I are going through a rough patch. We've drifted apart and it now feels like we have little in common. I'm not at the stage of deciding to split up, far from it, but I do like to consider all possible future scenarios as that's how my mind works.

DP has been in my teenage DC's lives for 8 years. He is kind, fun, patient, and genuinely enjoys their company. They adore him. We live together and are definitely a family unit. The DC also spend 50% of their time with their dad and step mum, which are also positive relationships.

If we were to separate he would have to move 300 miles away back to his parents in Scotland as he wouldn't be able to afford to live in our area alone.

I've done a topic search and nearly all advice on MN is for the former step parent to cut contact in order to move on from the broken relationship and carve out a new life for themselves. I can't find any posts from people who were once step children themselves who had to endure the trauma of losing a positive close relationship.

If you were once a step child in this scenario how did you feel? Have you carried that hurt with you into adulthood, or did you process it and move forward relatively unscathed? I was a step child myself, but my step parent was a horrible person and I chose to go NC, so I can't place myself in the shoes of my DC in this particular scenario.

I'm unscathed. My mum married my stepdad when I was 9. Split at 16. He had always treated me well, but there was no contact after he left.
It hasn't caused me any issues.

Very close friends of mine (twins) stayed in contact with their stepfather after their mother divorced him and as adults in their 40s they continue to have a very close relationship (probably closer than with their mother or father). It doesn’t need to be a complete cut from their lives, especially with teens who have phones and can FaceTime and maintain communication completely independently.

If your children are teenagers now then will presumably be adults or thereabouts if/when you do split up. Therefore I wouldn't imagine much of an impact as they will be old enough to decide whether or not to stay in contact. They've got their own phones and may also be able to drive. It wouldn't be like in the case of really young children - who can't make the decision themselves.

I suppose it depends on the closeness to their relationship with their stepdad - I can't imagine visits to over 300 miles away though.

I hope you work through it op if it's just a rough patch x

I'm a step child twice over, not a step parent.

Lost one of my step parents when they and my parent divorced and they wanted nothing more to do with me. They'd been in my life 10 years or more and it hurt like hell.

Doesn't anymore, but that's because I realised what an awful person they are, but the rejection broke my heart at the time. I believed (wrongly it turned out) they loved me as a daughter and couldn't understand why they coldly walked away. It was a brutal lesson.

My personal belief is that when someone becomes a step parent, they take on a parental role to the children involved and their commitment to them should last, to some degree, irrespective of whether the relationship does.

However, as an adult I've seen friends try and fail to have a relationship with step children and can see how this isn't always realistic.

In your case, I would hope that your partner continues to be present in your children's lives in some way and would encourage their ongoing relationship with him (if it's good for them to have one) but be prepared to console your children and help them deal with it if your partner fades from their lives.

Do you have any idea whether he'd still want to be part of their lives?

From 6-19 my step mum was there and I tried so hard with my step mum. But she drifted away. It's all got complicated and she stopped reaching out after a while. I'm 34 now and I'm still hurt and confused how it went down. :(. She was the adult there, the parent. I wish she had cared more etc just be there for them, and remember we always need our parents no matter how old we are

Every family is different. I’ve seen it both ways - hard stop and continuing relationship. It can work but I think there are so many factors at play about family dynamics that it’s hard to say on MN.

Ex DP lived with DS full time from the ages of 10 to 17. Was very hands on, looked after him, paid for him, involved with school etc. it all went a bit wrong in the later years and now DS has no emotional connection to him whatsoever. DS has never known his own dad either. They tolerate each other because they both love younger DD (ex DP is her dad) but I don't think DS would bat an eyelid if he never saw him again which is quite sad but hey ho.

It doesn't remotely bother DS though- he has no trauma or hurt from it.

Does he not want to keep in contact? Kids communicate other ways then face to face like playing online games, social media all sorts. Scotland's a short flight away.

I'm not a step-child. But I was in a relationship with someone whose child I was a step parent too for quite a few years. I met her when she was 3 and she was later primary age when we split up. We had an incredibly strong bond due to the particular circumstances at the time.

I went away abroad for the summer after the split then the ex and I decided to see if she asked after me which she didn't. But she was a child that had learned to keep the peace with stuff like that. I asked to see her for her birthday and we went out to dinner and she said 'Where have you been?????' so confused bless her. Covid rules meant we couldn't see eachother face to face during that period but we still have a relationship of where we meet every few months. She's a diva of an adolescent now. I still remember googling and googling to try and see examples of step parents maintaining relationships and drawing a blank and everyone telling me I was mad. But it turned out fine in the end, just a bit unusual

I'm a step-mum. My ex had an affair and left a year ago. My step daughter stays with me half the time she should be with him. I have known her 13 years. I have 2 other children who are her half sisters. I get on fine with her mum. I hope we always have a good relationship. I love her to bits.

My DD was in her late teens when her dad and step-mum divorced. Years afterwards they still have a great relationship. I’m really glad. Her step-mum is lovely and has been in DD’s life since she was very young.

I think no one ever thinks of how the stepparent feels in these situations - they are often put last and blamed first.

I had a friend growing up who stayed at her "dads" house weekends and some holidays. Was years before i knew he was her step dad not her dad but he kept that role for her.

With my kids I have one who could not give a shit about the loss of her step dad and one who is very much upset by it. But this is because my youngest was going for contact as it's his dad and my older boy was being left out. This hurt him a lot. Over time ex sees him at handovers and has babysat for me a few times now so my son is happier but definitely he was impacted by the split. That said the spilt was the right thing to do I don't regret it. But in our case step dad is kept in the picture by our shared child and I'm sure within shared child he would have ducked off never to be seen again. I personally haven't kept up a relationship with my step kids but they were older when I got with their dad and we never really bonded as they came to visit but didn't love with us like my kids lived with their step dad.

My kids dad has a partner who actively parents. I have no idea if she would stay around should they split but my kids would mourn that loss certainly because she is such a big part of their life.

So I think it comes down to how active a step park has been and how young the children were when step parents came on the scene. You have to weigh that against how much they benefit from a happy parent because staying so you don't rip the family apart might mean they are learning bad relationship habits and seeing you unhappy

Don't miss my stepmum at all - she was batshit.

My stepsister, though - miss her every single day and probably always will 🥺

Oh wow, more responses than I expected! Thank you all, they're invaluable.

That's interesting. We're you close to your step dad?

If the relationship is over then its over. There isn't much point worrying about the affect on your kids as it's just going to happen. You can't minimise it

This is the scenario I'd hope for, but as DP would have to move 300 miles away an actual physical presence in my DC's lives would be very difficult.

They are very close, but despite that my worry is that DP would leave the nurturing of the relationship to my DC as he's not a proactive person. He's rather passive and life is something that happens to him, IYSWIM. That's one of the reasons I'm feeling negative about the relationship right now.

I'm sorry you felt like that as a child. It's my biggest fear for my DC if the relationship fails, hence my thread.
DP would definitely want to stay in contact, but time would pass and the "out of sight out of mind" phenomenon might kick in. My own dad did similar to me when I was 18/19 and I was so hurt and angry, so a step parent could easily fall into that.

That's so hurtful and I'm sorry you've experienced that.

If you are not at the stage of splitting up, to be honest, what steps are you considering to stay together? Is it just that you have drifted apart or are there other factors at play? I would probably look at that first.

My ex had a DD the same age as my DD when we separated. The hardest part for me was that DSD had been part of our lives. She did come out with us and visit for a few years but now she has grown up and is doing her own thing. She and DD are quite different and I had the realisation that they were brought together by my relationship rather than they would have been friends naturally, if that makes sense.
Part of the reason I split with ex was his behaviour towards DD, and I know that was the best outcome for her, and she doesn’t miss him at all. But that is different from your situation.

In your position, I would probably be thinking first about whether and how the relationship could be improved. if you do decide to separate, I would be thinking how you strengthen DC’s social networks and support where you are. I also think you can ask your DP about his feelings on continuing contact with him and be prepared to take a holiday or two in Scotland. But basically, if you separate, you will need to be the one to ensure DC have the emotional support to deal with the change in their lives.

I know, every situation is unique.
I realise that I'm guilty of trying to predict the future and micromanage the outcome. My eldest DC has autism and very poor MH and I'm trying to understand the possible impact of DP drifting away into NC. Weighing up the pros and cons of him leaving is making me lean towards "staying together for the children". There's no abuse, we get on, he's kind, caring and fun. We just have little in common and I'm tired from carrying the mental load as he's naturally very passive.

Then I think it's best not to try and encourage staying in touch. Perhaps a birthday card.

That is sad, but it sounds like your DS chose that rather than having his step dad withdraw from a relationship with him. Have I interpreted that correctly?