Brother, mental health, drugs & codependent mother

[Nextdoor55]

I have a brother (let's call him Sam) who I don't see much, I've actually not seen him in 15 years despite him living at my mother's house. He's 60 years old.
I knew growing up he used drugs, hard drugs as well as softer.
So we don't live in the same area but whenever we visit my mother usher's him upstairs so we don't see him, I always thought as he's quite shy he doesn't want to see us. And we've not been very close for years, so let it go
I admit actually that I always felt a bit envious as he's staying there rent free getting fed etc while I've never had so much as a hand out from them, & that sometimes felt unfair although I can categorically say that my thoughts have changed since a recent visit.

So we visited recently & bumped into Sam while we were entering & he was leaving the house. I did not recognise him at all, I mean there was nothing similar about him. He looked like he'd done a deal with the devil & paid the price. Even when we were talking, I kept thinking, who is this, it cannot be..

It seems obvious now what has been going on is that Sam has spent his life doing drugs while my mother has been supporting him. I know she probably thinks she's helping, but I have asked if she has had a conversation with him about what's going on, his mood, drug use etc. She said she's never had this conversation with him, I mean.. I'm unsurprised because she spends her life with her head in the sand up to her waist.
I still find it difficult to understand how she's never actually spoken to him about how he actually is.

I know I might sound unfair on her but I really believe that she's part of the problem. I feel so angry with her, & so desperately sad for Sam that he's so far down the road of addiction & mental health issues.
Not to mention the total shock, it took me about a week to get over seeing Sam like that.

Over the years I've at times tried to reach out to Sam on social media, sent friend request etc, but never had anything back, I see why now, poor guy, he's probably been too far into depression & drug use to be bothering with social media.
To add in not particularly close to my mother either I'm sure if I didn't make the effort she wouldn't bother at all. What a sadly dysfunctional family I have. Anyone else?

You’re not alone. My 2 brothers both have substance dependency issues and at various points in their lives our mother has enabled their self-harm - whenever I have talked to her about why she does it, she frames it as having no choice and having to ‘support’ them; ‘what kind of mother would I be…’ etc etc. I have tried to explain that this ‘support’ is anything but and have encouraged her to think more about her own motivations (which I suspect might be related to her own desire to be needed by others and exert control over them), but nothing seems to change.

Adopting a distant neutrality has really helped me. Ultimately, you cannot force else anyone to change; you only have control over your own actions/thoughts/behaviours. If invited, you can advise or give practical help (only if you want to!) but otherwise it’s wise to focus your energy and efforts on yourself and your own pathway. Goodness knows life is difficult enough, even when you’ve resolved to life in a more conscious, genuine, non-head-stuck-in-the-sand way.

@Nextdoor55 massive squishes. I’d be asking her what she thinks will happen to him once she’s no longer that enabling his drug habit?

Or stay away from the whole situation.

I can’t imagine how hard it is seeing it from your side. x

Thank you, nice to know that I'm not alone. Your mother sounds just like mine. It feels like she gets some sort of control & maybe power from her own need to be needed.
I agree to keep distanced from it, it's one of the reasons I moved away in the first place, I could see what was happening. There he was withdrawing on the front room sofa & there she was clearing up the aluminium foil like it was all normal.

The thing is, when I asked after Sam over the years mother said he's fine everything is dandy. Nothing fine about it. What a shock no wonder she ushers him upstairs she's ashamed because she's enabling his addiction.

It's a terribly sad situation, but I'm surprised you're that surprised by it really. You knew years ago that he was an addict and your mother enabling him then. And surely you must've thought it odd and suspicious that you've been visiting his home all these years yet he's hidden away and totally avoided you the whole time? That's not exactly a normal sibling relationship. But in your mother's mind he is fine, probably because she's never know him any different.

Sorry to be harsh but I hope you're not expecting any inheritance because it sounds like your mother has been paying to feed his habit all these years, and she'll probably leave her house to him too (if she owns it and hasn't equity released it by now). And if you do inherit half the house then it'll obviously be coming with brother as a sitting tenant and then he'll become your problem. If he's still using at 60 then he's never going to stop, and it's remarkable that he's survived this long TBF. Your best hope is that your mother outlives him.

Well he's actually always been reclusive so wasn't that much of a surprise that he's never around or disappeara. And we don't visit that often rather meet out & about so yes it was a shock.

Your second point ref inheritance. Who cares, more important than that is that people live their best lives.
The whole situation is incredibly sad but it's one of those things that unless you're very empathetic or have lived it, it's hard to grasp

i am so very, very sad for you as this is almost a mirror situation of my relationship with my mum and brother. My brother was enabled pretty much his whole life by our mum. Every excuse under the sun was made for him. He became involved with a group of real no users, started selling drugs and eventually taking them. All of this was hidden from me until the shit hit the fan. It turned out he was constantly up in court on drug charges, burglaries etc. he had been getting money from my mum at all hours of the day and night to buy drugs (but she claimed she didn’t know that’s what it was for- if people are waking you during the night for money you don’t wonder why they need it then?). He died of a heroin overdose at 29 which was devastating to the whole family. I still feel so cheated and angry because if I had known I would have tried to help him.

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a distressing situation, it's easy to think, what if? Looking back isn't it. I'm sure you did your best with an impossible situation.

You know I wish I could do something but I know that it's way too out of control. I'm not even sure what could help. Only that if the dynamics changed in his life, with my mother enabling him, it might aid some change. Even then I really don't know at this stage.

@Nextdoor55 I guess at 60 a lot of damage has been done and it would be near impossible to change thjngs - I feel for you. Yes I've had similar.

You're always told to detach but it's easier said than done.

Just to warm you - when your mother passes away, you will be under a lot of pressure to "take on your mother's role". Be clear this will not happen under any circumstances.

Oh no I couldn't take him on. I'd just be continuing the enabling. I'll be surprised if brother outlives mother the way he's going