Feel like I've wasted life

[SlipperswithnoSocks]

Sorry this is long.
Have been married 40+ years with grown up children and grandchildren.

We were so happy in the beginning, then dh quit smoking but started drinking. His drinking escalated quickly and became a problem by the time the youngest dc was about 14.

I left several times over the next 25yrs years, but always went back. Dc left home and his drinking got much worse. He would become verbally abusive, and on a couple of occasions physically. This led to me getting the police involved, although I didn't press charges. It was the wake up call he needed, he stopped drinking and attended AA meetings. This was almost 4yrs ago and I'm so proud that he's achieved this....but, and it's a huge but things are not good between us.

Jobs at home have never really been equally shared. He doesn't cook, has never cleaned/done laundry.
He never leaves things the way he finds them, and just seems to create a mess that I then have to clean/tidy.
Once he's home from work and fed he falls asleep every night. I have trouble hearing the TV as he snores so loudly.

We never go out for dinner, in fact we don't go anywhere unless dc/dgc are involved. Can't remember the last time we went out together.
Any days out with dgc we have are always arranged by me, as are every holiday we've ever had.
His personal hygiene is nil. He hardly ever cleans his teeth. It's a good week if he takes a shower, but more often than not he'll shower once a fortnight. I thought this was because of the drinking, but nearly 4yrs on its still the same.

I have no savings and don't earn a great deal. Am also paying off a credit card. When I've left in the past I've stayed with dm or dd for a week or two.

I think my life would be better without him in it, the only reason I stay is because I can't afford to leave. I know that sounds really bad, but it's how I feel.
I also know he wouldn't leave and he'll refuse to sell the house, which is mortgage free.
I've come here as I don't have any friends I feel I can talk to about this.
I really don't know what to do.

This is a lot.

Firstly I'd say if you've been strong enough to live through more than two decades of what you've described I imagine you're strong enough to begin again - you are made of some very strong stuff x

That said - please get legal advice.

He can't stop the house being sold if you divorce- and surely you'd be entitled to half of it. If children grown up etc, wouldn't you be able to move somewhere small and cheap just for you?
I feel for you reading how things are with your husband- you deserve better. Do get some legal advice and research/think about what a single life could look like.

He can't refuse to sell the house - it's a marital asset and will form part of the divorce settlement whether he likes it or not. OP, be strong. You can't change the past - only the present and thus the future. How could yours look?

I actually have so much admiration for you and anyone else who has endured so much for so long. The rage I would feel inside over this would lead me to explode into a million pieces. I don't know how you do it.

Have you ever seen a counsellor. It's so helpful to have someone to talk all this through with who has no agenda and you know it will stay private. An older female would probably be ideal. Of course you'd have to pay but I think it would be so worth it.

Would you be able to afford a property of the house was sold? Does he know how you feel, can you communicate the things you've written here? What is his reaction likely to be?

It's easy to get stuck in a rut in a long term relationship but if he's not willing to change then I'd seriously think about striking out alone with the years you have left.

I will reiterate what's already been said, he can't refuse the sale of the house. It's as much yours as his. Break free. Life is way too short to spend it tied to someone who makes you miserable and it sounds like you've suffered enough, for a long time. Good luck

I had this too OP...exactly same..i thought was reading my story. He did nothing round house...i did everything...shopping.. cleaning... decorating, diy, organising every outing etc. he never organised one outing in 25 years. He snored, wouldn't sort it because "well it doesnt wake me" was his reply even though i had maybe 2 hrs sleep a night. He also drunk every night. Cut down on alcohol, but still did nothing. He smelled of b.o all the time...which was hard work as it stunk house out so i was trying to get rid of smell. Lost teeth because he never brushed them...smoked a lot. His hygiene horrific.
I finished it after 25 year.

Thank you for your replies.
Dh earns much more than I do, I'm on a low wage and work part time, which enables me to collect dgc from school. I had a good job but gave it up to look after my first dgc full time when dd returned to work. I'm now nearing retirement age so don't think it would be easy to go back to my original line of work.
I have no money of my own so can't afford legal advice, and looking at the cost of a contested divorce can't afford that either.
I'm just very sad at how life has ended up this way.

As you acknowledge, overcoming alcoholism is a massive achievement, so maybe it's not impossible that he can improve in other ways too? Have you ever discussed his personal hygiene with him? Was it this bad when you met him?

He must be 60 or so, nearing retirement? I'd imagine working full time at that age must be quite tiring, especially for the many people not in the greatest physical health. If you're working less hours then doesn't seem unreasonable that you undertake more of the domestic duties. But he should still be doing something more than working and sleeping.

You should probably lay your cards on the table and tell him all the things that are making you unhappy, and see if some or all of them can be resolved. He sounds like he might be suffering with depression, that could explain some of his behaviour - not caring about personal hygiene, tiredness etc.

Maybe the relationship can be repaired, because the altertive of divorcing and splitting your assets now will mean massive lifestyle sacrifices for both of you, and should probably be a last resort.

What a sad situation for you. I'm estimating that you may only be in your 60s so still loads of time to find someone who will make your life so much happier.

If it were me I'd see if I could find a solicitor who is prepared to provide half an hour's free advice and take it from there. Honestly, OP, don't waste the rest of your life with someone who clearly has zero respect for you x

I’m sorry OP. You do sound low. But you will be able to move on to a better life.

Agree with PP. You can divorce him and will get half of the house and pensions etc. which could maybe buy a smaller home for you with little or no mortgage. If he doesn’t want to sell he’ll have to buy you out. And you could find work again.

Do you have access to household income? You could start squirreling some aside to pay for the solicitor. Would a friend lend you the money that you can repay when the divorce is through? Maybe some solicitors will take their fees after house sale etc. One step at a time.

💐

You are very brave for addressing these issues and reaching out.

I strongly believe that most strangers (if not all) will tell you that you need to leave this person based on the information you have given. You have worked through your issues across decades and you still feel this way. I think that is confirmation enough.

But from personal experience, it’s one thing thinking you want to do something and another actually doing it. Only you can make the decision to leave him and if you wait until “the time is right”. Then nothing will ever change. You need to have the bravery of stepping into uncertainty and taking that chance.

Do you really want to be thinking back in 20 years time wondering whether you made the right choice by staying by him.

Unfortunately I’m not able to advise on the best way to initiate a divorce. But when my parents went through a similar issue, Citizens Advice were brilliant. I would say get whatever information you can from them and then decide if and when you will approach your husband. If you do decide to go through it then write dont a plan, give yourself timeframes and stick to them.

best of luck x

OP - There is a saying. "Better late than never."

OP what's the house worth? What county do your children live in?

You'll be entitled to 50% of the house sale proceeds - could you buy a small place or flat outright?

You can always get an evening job - supermarket for example.

Don't waste any more of your life with this stinky waste of space. You could have 20+ more years of a happy life without him.

What is his job? He must reek, washing once a fortnight. Surely his colleagues have noticed?

Have the house valued while he’s at work. Start from there.

OP this sounds an unbearable situation for you. Please break free, after all your previous struggles with him you deserve peace and autonomy.
I imagine you have had a full and frank discussion with him and made plain how unacceptable his hygiene standards are? If so and he's refused to cooperate then it's definitely not too late to make a change.
As others have said please see a solicitor to establish where you stand. An initial consultation wouldn't be expensive. You would definitely be entitled to half the house, that's without question. ln the meantime l would start to distance myself from him. lf you don't already l would start sleeping separately, and stop cooking for him or doing his washing etc until he at at least improves his personal hygiene. You are still young, you really do deserve better than this.

He travels a lot (in this country) for his job so spends much of his working day driving. He doesn't believe in using deodorant, and carries air fresheners in the car. He also has one of those timed air fresheners in his room (we have separate bedrooms).

I've tried talking to him about his personal hygiene/falling asleep all the time etc, and ds has also tried having a chat with him but nothing changes.

Yes I would definitely be able to buy either an apartment or small 1/2 bed house from the sale of our house. I find the thought of this upsetting, I love my home. He knows I'm unhappy, and I'm sure he must be too, but whenever I've mentioned divorce in the past it's been a flat no from him. He's quite religious and goes to church occasionally, so I think that's why he's against divorce. I feel dreadful thinking/saying these things about him but I'm just fed up with life. He's changed so much over the years. In the early days he was so much fun, and was my best friend, I thought we'd grow old happily together.

I know I need to get some advice, so I'll look into it.

I'm glad you are going to get advice, if you can't afford to see a solicitor then the Citizens Advice Bureau will be able to help and advise you on next steps.
A flat no from him re divorce is of no consequence as you can start the proceedings regardless. Please don't feel dreadful, he's making your life a misery and won't try to change or compromise so you have no choice. Even though you might feel sad to leave your home just think how lovely it will be to have your own place and make your home exactly as you want it, as well as the freedom to do exactly as you please.