AIBU to expect mil to stop interfering and telling me what to do with my son??

[lalatele]

hi, my mil is a very genuine person who loves my ds (19 mths) and was quite close to me (although she always had a very strong personality (i could cope with it at the time))until i had ds...from then, it was as if i did everything wrong...the way i dress him, what i cook for him, even the way i made him burp( eg: she said when he was 2 mths old that in her family she never had to make a bb burp and i was the first one, then when i tried to make him burp by rubing his back she tells me how to do it!!!). now that ds is grown up i use evian water to make up his feeds at night or when out as cow's milk may go off if out of fridge for so long...she has a whole issue on the fact that it is not hot(which i agree felt very bad for not using hot water but after so many months of waking up at night(still except in the past 2 days), i am too exhausted for doing the mixing...
so she compares me to sil who has a 4 months old dd and says how she mixes the powder at the right temperature and how she does not makes her burp anymore...(stopped making ds burp at around 5 months old when had no more colic!)
the problem i have is that she looks after ds when i go to work (we pay her) and ds is so happy there (he has his cousins there too (5/11 )most of the time but their mum is always with them...so many times i feel that i should put him at the creche but when i see him so happy with his cousins, feel that i am being selfish to take him away from them just because of an adult issue...
Today, i told her that ds slept from 9 to 6 am without asking for a feed(which is almost like a miracle) but she said that it was not good and should wake up in the night to feed him because ds can not afford to miss on a meal, etc, etc as he is so skinny(2nd centile)...and his cousin now 5 still wakes up twice for milk...it is ok for sil's dd to sleep through the night because she is chubby but not mine because he is skinny...i was too upset and answered back my son was not a pig, if he does not want to drink, it means he had enough in the day, i was not going to set my alarm clock in the middle of the night just to feed the guy...especially if i had to work the next day...i was exhausted and just wanted her to understand...am i being unreasonable to have lost my temper??

This would drive anybody nuts.

I think you should say as politely as you can that comparisons between cousins close in age are not a good thing. The next time she gives you some advice, tell her calmly but assertively that so many thngs have been discovered since her son was a baby. A lot of things are done differently now. For a good reason.

If she argues with you, as calmly as you can, say "well, i can only do it one way, so I choose to do it the way the health authorities advise".

My x MIL was a nightmare, she thought she knew it all. In fact she knew nothing. She used to cme out with gems such as "salt is not bad for you at all, you need salt, so I will add some to this food" arhghg.

I feel your pain..

I too feel your pain i got on realy really well with my mil before ds was born. Since then she seems to have an opinions about everything! ds is now 19months and i've finally learnt to just nod and smile. I have used the 'things have changed since your son was a baby' line but this just seems to go in one ear and out of the other

So no, i dont think you are being unreasonable at all. Its diicult enough at the best of times to stay calm when it comes to mils, but even worse when you are tired!

Hope things improve for you.

thanks
the salt was also an issue
mil adds it even on tomatoes and add more on chips as it says that ds will eat and drink more
!!!

It sounds like a good idea you putting your ds into a nursery.
It might make you all happier in the long run.
I feel so sorry for your sil who still feels that she has to feed her 5 year old during the night. That is bad. She must be so tired.
Lucky you that your son has not needed fed for the last two nights. Crossing my fingers that he will keep it up.

sorry was not clear...my other sil does not feel like she does have to feed her 5y ds...she wants to...as she is mil's daughter she has the same mentality and feels it is important to feed them at night...but my ds seems to be the one everyone is focused on!!???

sorry was not clear...my other sil does not feel like she does have to feed her 5y ds...she wants to...as she is mil's daughter she has the same mentality and feels it is important to feed them at night...but my ds seems to be the one everyone is focused on!!???

Ha, ha, she actually wants to feed him at night.
Sorry but the first sentence that sprang to my mind was "get a life woman".

She is going to have real difficulty in letting him move out some day. She is already teaching him to be dependant on her just like her mother seems to have taught her to be dependant on her.

yes...but it is so hard on me!! i really feel that i have a lot to discuss with my sil (the one with the dd)as we have the same mil from hell but do not want to start that game as it may turn against me....

I think it is pretty common for grandparents (especially grandma) to have a different relationship with their daughters' children than with their sons' - something to do with the whole mother-daughter thing - that is probably why you feel that they are picking on you.

Another thing to think about is that you will NOT be able to change her so you either have to change things yourself eg by moving ds to a nursery/childminder or try to ignore it.

tbh if you are paying her to look after ds she should respect your wishes and be a bit more supportive - if she can't see this then I would move ds to a nursery personally. Could your dp help her to see how she is coming across?

I agree with maisemor. If this was someone writing about a nursery or childminder and being so clearly unhappy about certain aspects, you wouldnt hesitate to move your child elsewhere. Why do people feel this huge sense of responsibility to put up with things from family that you wouldnt put up with elsewhere? She is undermining you, making you feel crap about ur parenting; move your ds somewhere he'll be equally happy and you wont be guilt tripped.

But you don't have to turn it into a game. Just invite them over next weekend and tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels about the whole situation.

She might be feeling exactly the same and have the same concerns. She may have felt like that at one point herself and may be able to give you some advice on how she handled/s it.

Just because they don't see eachother every day does not mean that they can't have a good relationship. You can always use the granny for when the nursery have their stupid annual closing days. Your son and his granny might actually end up with a much healthier relationship where she is not trying to replace you.

tried to put ds in the creche for a couple of hours a few times and he was crying his head off...feel that i am being selfish to remove him from the best place he likes going to...
i agree that mil won't change and had indeed adopted the"change yourself" attitude but it is so hard! Everytime i make a step forward, she just have to piss me off again and that's it, back to square 1!!! i am definately going to try put ds to nursery at least once a week...
i feel like i am such a crap parent whenever i talk to her and i don't understand why she does not realise that by saying certain things it will make me upset about it!!

It is probably going to be hard at first (getting him used to the nursery), but as long as you show him how enthusiastic you are about it, and how happy you are about him going there, he should get used to it fairly quickly.

My daughter has changed nursery three times and then started school. First nursery she took to like a duck to water, second she was slightly more apprehensive and it took about a week to get her settled in, third about the same, and with the school she just went in and sat down.

My son was quite clingy and tearful for about 2 weeks, and then he got better and better. I kind of skipped in with him, he got to show me some of his favourite toys, I handed him over to his favourite minder, kissed him with a big smile on my face (tears starting to form in his eyes and he wanted back to me), and said I would wave to him in the window. Went outside and cried, but had to make it a quick sorry for myself cry as I had to go wave cheerily to him in the window, by which time he was smiling and waving to me.

oh thank u all for your replies...maisemor, it is quite a relief that they settled in the end...i am dreading it and part of me feel that i am dumping him there....and feel guilty for it...although i know that it will be good for him in the long term....
i also dread the reaction from mil...she does not agree that my ds should be looked after by anybody outside of the family....and if i turn round and tell her that i prefer to put him at the creche (even if she knows it will make him tougher) she will be upset as she currently gets paid for the job and i am a bit worried abt the effect that will have on the family...my dp does not really agree with me putting ds in creche...

Agree with maise - your ds WILL get used to creche/nursery but you need to give it a bit of time. He's happy at your MIL because thats what he's used to. He will settle and be happy in another environment; it'll just take a bit of adjustment. Focus on the fact that YOU need to feel more confident and empowered about your parenting. being made to feel bad will be rubbing off on your ds, even subconsciously, and you deserve to feel better about yourself. I really dont understand why you are tolerating a situation that isnt making you happy. Most people who post with your kind of problem are people who arent paying for childcare. You say you ARE paying, so it seems mega daft to be putting up with this kind of crap. Find a CM or nursery which will respect you wishes.

Ask your husband if he would rather have a small happy family unit at home or if he prefers a stressed wife, who dreads handing your son over to his mother, just to make his mother happy.