The loneliness of being with someone who works away

[Uffadoo]

Wondering if any other mumsnetters are in a similar position and can share advice on how they manage.

I've been with my DP for 5 years, we have 2 children, together. He works away during the week and sometimes I get by okay but very often I struggle with feeling alone. Our children are very young and I love them to bits but I miss meaningful adult company. We live away from where my family and friends are and I haven't really made many lasting friendships where we are, I find myself looking forward to the days when I have playgroups with the kids just so that I can speak to some adults (other than when I'm buying the shopping). I speak to DP every night and he will often call through the day to check in, depending on whether he is able to with work, but it's obviously not the same. It probably doesn't help that right now I'm on maternity leave. We had discussed moving closer to my family and so I almost avoided making deeper friendships because I thought we were going to move but for various reasons we have decided to stay here so I am now trying to meet other women and develop friendships but they are all still in the early stages of general chit chat and I miss being with people you have a meaningful bond with like your partner or family or long-time friends.

How do other mums get by when their partners work away?

Well - if you are not moving back to where you have family/friends - the only way to develop connections is to meet new people.
Small kids actually facilitate that - play groups, nursery, etc - people are often eager
for their kids to make friends so get togethers are frequent. You meet so many people - and among them there must be some that you’ll click with.
Takes time - but you’ll get there.

i picked up several good close friends from kids early years activities - and that was years ago…

Hi OP

I was contemplating posting a similar thread myself recently.

It IS bloody lonely.

Though my children aren't young (teens now) and they aren't my DP's he's very much involved in the day to day with them when he's home.

I wish I could give you some tips. I'm not even sure how we could swap messages privately cos that might help to have someone to listen to,

Try working on building your support network if you can. Going to play groups will help, if you can afford a sitter one evening a week, find something you can do for yourself too.

My DP is usually away for two months and then home for two months but this trip is a longer one and he's been gone since beginning of Jan. jan was a particularly stressful month for me with family health, our poor dog slipped a disk and has needed 24 hour care and I wasn't well myself,

I also work full time and been dealing with two stroppy difficult teenagers, I've been distracting myself with overtime (we have a wedding to pay for!) but this week I've finally hit burn out. And I've spent the last two days in bed ignoring the world (my DC have still been fed and watered)

We don't yet have a date of when he will be home, should hopefully be in the next month.

But it's bloody hard.

I miss him horribly. He does video call daily but no, it's not the same, I had a particular sad week in work this week so could have done with the hugs. I appreciate he works hard, and he was in this career when we met, and tbh when he's home it works well with my career.

I will try and message you :)

Well, it sounds as if you need to have a serious conversation about his job.

I was the one who worked away for half the year for ten years, but I changed jobs after I had DS. I couldn't have left him at home with DH for long periods.

I'm in the same boat as you and it truly sucks. I have a 4month old baby at home with me (FTM) and am on mat leave. I've had to adjust to life as a mum pretty much on my own and its really hard at times. We speak daily and I love the time he is home but never feel we are living 'real' life as a family. I have no advice for you but hopefully it helps knowing others are in the same situation and it really isn't much fun.

Hi Op. I've commented above. (Burntoutnurse) and I've PM'd you :)

My husband works in the Middle East and comes home (or we meet somewhere for a holdiay) for 2-3 weeks every 3 months or so. It's been like this for coming up to 3 years and likely to be the same for the next 5. We have a teenage daughter.

I'll be honest, it can be hard, I didn't get married and have a child to not live as a family, but this job came up and it was a good fit for him. Sometimes my heart aches with loneliness and other times I love making what I want for dinner, when I want and watching what I want on TV! So a bit of a mixed bag really. I think you have to adjust your mindset and appreciate the little things, like a sneaky glass of mid-week wine otherwise sadness and resentment does quickly and easily build up. He works long, hard hours in a mentally demanding job but when he clocks off he doesn't have the humdrum of boring shopping or childcare or cleaning.

I moved house on my own recently, DH did what he could paperwork wise but obviously couldn't help with the physical logistics. That was hard.

I am lucky though as I don't live too far from my mum and sister so I do see them fairly recently but having lived overseas much of my adult life, most of my friends aren't local so I don't get too much day to day in-person adult interaction.

Sending you a sympathetic hug!

And you'll feel better once you're back in work and have adult interaction

My Dad worked away. The best pattern he had was 6 weeks away/3 weeks home. I would've chosen to be single with no DC than repeat that in my own adult life.

My parents sacrificed their time together with plans for a long retirement involving lots of luxury. My Mum died 6 months before her retirement date. What a wasted life.

I get what you mean about not feeling like a family all the time. How do you find it when your partner is back? Obviously I love mine being home but it can also be difficult too, particularly with the kids, as I have a routine going when he's away and then when he's back he doesn't know the routine so it has a knock-on effect on bedtimes and things like that sometimes. Also because the kids don't see him all the time, they don't always like being held by him and always want me, which is hard for both of us as it makes it hard for me to get a break ever.

Wow. That sounds really tough! I know what you mean about the resentment of them not having to do all humdrum stuff at home. When DP works away he can sometimes get to the gym or sauna or climbing wall after work or will chill and read or listen to audio books, all while I'm doing dinner and bedtimes and tidying up after the chaos of the day. I have to push the feelings of resentment away sometimes if he says he's off to the gym after work as I would love so badly to do that. When I say that to him he says that I'm the one in the better place as I get to spend time with the children that he doesn't and I guess he's right with that though.