I don't love him anymore

[juustme46]

I don't know what to do! Ive been with my dh for many years, he's always been controlling and jealous and selfish but I loved him or so I thought. His behaviour has got worse over the last few years. He works completely from home since covid, he convinced me to give up my job about a year ago and that's when it really started to change! I have no friends not much family so its just us and our children. He basically treats me like a servant, like I do everything! I know he works so that's fair but he doesn't lift a finger! Sometimes he can be lovely but most of the time he's rude, he's overly critical, he says mean things to me in front of our children and when I try to tell him how it makes me feel he denies saying anything or says he was joking! I can't talk to him because he never takes accountability he just thinks I'm criticising. He has an anger problem so he just says I'm pushing his buttons and I should know not to do that!
Make me feel crazy! He's always telling the children that he is the breadwinner so we should all be grateful to him! Lately I've felt myself becoming very cold towards him, I think I want to leave but I am not strong enough! Last night we got into an argument and he went to bed. Then I hear this awful wailing noise. I rush upstairs to find him crying and wailing saying that he loves me so much and me and the kids are everything to him, there's no point in living if he doesn't have us and he's thought about ending his life a few times at the thought of life without me. He asked me if I loved him, I said yes because I felt so bad! I told him that if he has really had those thoughts he needs professional help because that's not healthy for either of us, he said he would. Then today he was absolutely fine, he got some time off work and texted all his colleagues to tell them he'd had a breakdown and phoned his parents and told them. He's got everyone feeling sorry for him but I can't help but think I've just fallen for the biggest manipulation trick you can pull?? Surely if you want to end your life one day are you really going to be fine the next day? If you were going to end your life would you tell people? I'm so confused. Does anyone have any experience of dh threatening to end their life if you leave?
I'm sorry for such a long post

Time will tell, OP. I’d spend my time if I was you getting ready to leave. Start looking for work and consider how you’ll manage your finances. If he kicks off about you working, there’s one piece of evidence that he’s not serious about mending his ways.

Regarding his threat - next time ring the policy and report a suicide threat and let them deal with him. Hopefully they’ll give him the bollocking he deserves.

He doesn't love you OP. He loves himself and doesn't want to be alone.

This head fuckery he is engaging in from the user manual of Narcissistic Personality Disorders, is designed to keep you where he wants you - with him. They all do it. My husband also likes wailing and sobbing like a child when he thinks I'm about to bail but I know now that it isn't my fault, it's his. My husband's MO is to start sobbing and walk away while I chase after him trying to comfort and appease him. Last time he tried it though I turned my back, walked away and sat down with a magazine in another room.
I still tell him that I love him even though I can't stand him because it makes my life easier at the moment. But I don't intend to live like this with him for the rest of my life, no way.

What are you views and feelings about your children being exposed to all of this?

Because it sounds like you are some way from protecting yourself at the moment. It is understandable, but to keep yourself and your children safe, you need to shift your thinking.

Have you started reading about abusive relationships and partners with narcissistic traits? There are so many resources such as The Freedom Program, phoning Women's Aid, and others.

You're going to need more than just this thread.

Whilst he is playing at being on his best behaviour, recognise he is faking and play the game yourself - make your plans to leave. Don’t get sucked in to believing this is a permanent change - he’ll revert to type sooner or later

100% agree with PP that you should return to paid employment asap - to share the financial burden obviously…

I'm so grateful for all of your advice and I will be looking at the resources that have been suggested. If I'm honest I had heard of narcissistic abuse but didn't know much and the little that I did know I had convinced myself 'he's not as bad as that, I'm over exaggerating!' Now I've looked a little more and there's no doubt that he is like this. I can't unsee it now! From what I've learned we are currently back in love bombing mode to try and get me under control again. Why are our brains so stupid though, there's still part of my brain that really doesn't want to believe it and that he's really trying hard and this is the man I used to know. I'm going to start writing what happens each day so I can look back and see when/if the abuse starts and what he does and see that I'm not crazy and use it as my fuel to leave
I guess I'll see what happens in the weeks to come!
Oh and I've talked to him before now about me getting a job again, he's not on board with it at all! I homeschool my daughter for the last 6 months which was his wish not mine so he uses that as an excuse for me to stay at home! Another major red flag there! How have I been so stupid!!!

I'm commenting on this again to bump it but also to get some more advice. We'll I'm still here, I'm still with my husband! He has been so nice to me, I don't think he's ever been this nice. It's so annoying because I really had made my mind up to go and now I don't know what to do. I know I'm not in love with him anymore but I don't want to hurt him or the kids. I'm sure this niceness won't last but all the time it does I feel trapped because then I will just look crazy as if I imagined how he used to treat me! Has anyone experienced this kind of behaviour almost like love bombing. Did your partner ever change or is just wishful thinking? How long will he be able to keep it up. Its only been 13 days but its like he thinks this wipes out 20+years of bad treatment

@juustme46 I am going to reply properly when I finish work / sort kids out! Xx

@Secondstart1001 thanks so much! I appreciate it xx

Hello @juustme46 i just read all your past posts on this thread and I wanted to reach out and support you as much as I can.
Firstly, you are doing great. Your eyes have been opened for what his behaviour is … controlling, abusive and narcissistic.
He is definitely love bombing you right now … say if right now when he’s being all sweet and bouncy with you that you say you want to go back to work? How would that change his mood? do you think the mask would crack? shatter maybe? Would you see the monster underneath again? I don’t want you to do that if it puts you in danger but let’s see how long he can keep it up.
I know this breed well as I was with and married to an abusive man for 19 years! He was my first real relationship and because I didn’t know what was normal or healthy in a relationship I stayed and got pregnant just as I was about to leave .. then we got married and so on and on. He would give me silent treatment for days, I was like a servant to him as well as working full time, explosive temper with me and very critical. He also isolated me from friends and family.
I do think if you seriously want to leave you get a plan in place, get your daughter back to school and you back to work, get away from him and start building yourself up!
Don’t pity this man, you know what you’ve gone through for 20 years. I was very weak at times in my relationship and so low. But I did manage to get away, I left him with 3 houses and I got a shit settlement and left that house with my clothes, laptop and 3 boxes of kitchenware. I brought my own house, got a Fulltime job and have a loving DP that I would change for the world. It’s not a perfect life but I don’t walk on eggshells anymore ! I hope this helps, sorry if I’ve gone on!

@Secondstart1001 you haven't gone on at all! Thankyou for replying and thank you for your advice! Your situation sounds very similar to mine. He was my first serious relationship too! You've given me hope xx

I’m so glad this is giving you hope and feel free to message me if you need any support ( not sure how dms work).
I hope some of the other ladies can give continue to support you on here too! Keep us update x