The hurt we carry with us but only share on mumsnet?

[Secondstart1001]

I find it interesting and scary in equal measure that there are so many women that come on mumsnet with a problem and have no one to share it with in real life. I feel like this too and it’s sad isn’t it? But sometimes the kindness of strangers on here ❤️

I see your point. But I also believe that it helps to have someone to talk to who is completely removed from your life and doesn't have a vested interest.

I posted on here under a different name when my marriage imploded. I had a lot of people around me in real life. But it helped a lot to have people to talk to who weren't trying to convince us to get back together because it wasn't what was done on their day. Like my parents.

It’s also invaluable as there are so many people with varying opinions and also experience! Have seen some really useful and insightful comments in here!

I find it helpful to scream into the void.

I understand that mainly British people participate on MN. Now, I have lived in the UK for quite a while but I come from a Meditteranean country. We tend to share a lot with each other and as a result we form deeper friendships and a realtivrly healthy psyche.
I think the issue is with the British culture and how you are raised in a way not to show emotion and filter your feelings. Thus you don’t really open up to each other because you have been taught that in this way you show weakeness.
I understand from friends of mine though that things are changing and now kids in the UK are being taught at school how to show emotion and express their feelings.

I think it's also because there's always someone there on MN. My children are small, and most of my immediate friends are in the same boat (gets me started on why the education system is broken, not enough multigenerational/multiage friendships! We're too often surrounded by people in exactly the same stage of life as us). They just don't have the capacity to answer my rants and random ponderings. But there's always almost someone on MN!

@Secondstart1001 I have close friends IRL I can share with but often I feel like I’m boring them about having grown up with a mother with NPD. It really helps when the moment catches me off guard to share my experiences with others who have experienced the same issues. Being anonymous helps me reveal the extent of my torment. IRL I’m successful, have a lovely life, loving family etc. You wouldn’t know what I’ve been through and I’m fine with that. I post under various names to support those who’ve been through the same.

I think this board is really helpful with those coming to terms with an issue they are not ready to share in real life… pending divorce, suspect your DH of having an affair etc etc. these are really private things that your friend may not have experienced and therefore can’t be practical or objective in their advice.

IME there are a bigger pool of people on here to draw empathy from. They have a shared experience and understanding and I find that mutual feedback so useful. I also communicate much better in the written medium than verbally. Verbally it comes out confused and a bit all over the place but on here I can write the meaning in a much better way (although my last post counteracts that haha). Is that something other people feel?

i have also noticed in real life that people feel very uncomfortable with subjects that are difficult. There's much more acceptance on here to enter difficult conversations. I'd love to know why!

That’s really interesting and I think IRL you can be successful and seems happy but be walking wounded emotionally. I get it. I only discovered mumsnet as I was concerned about my relationship a bit and then I read articles and posted my issue in January. A lot of my feedback was that my partner was an incredible guy but that I was hard work lol! I wasn’t expecting that but it was all good and I went away with a lot to think about, work on myself and be grateful I have such a helpful and kind DP! I think for me as I work from home mainly I get lonely and it’s also good as there’s always someone to chat to x

@Secondactoflife i agree with you plus for example if I thought my DP was having an affair I would for some reason be too embarrassed to speak to a friend Just I’m case it was true and then they would judge how I deal with it.

I've honestly found many posters on here more intellegent than many of the people I know in real life.

Especially if they have endured the same problems.

A wealth of knowledge.

I agree that there's a lot of wisdom on here.

I wish I'd posted on here before I'd got married, when I was having serious doubts. I think I would have received advice that would have made me feel my worries were genuine.

Agree it’s like having lots of detectives sometimes help you pick the clues… are you still married @Salepale … it’s sounds like your gut feelings pre marriage were prob right? Hope I’m wrong 😔

I have close friends, but if I want to vent about somebody/something, I don’t necessarily want that venting to then influence their opinion of my DH/mum, or of me if I’m the one being unreasonable!

If I got divorced or got cancer, or something else concrete, I’d lean on my friends. MN is for my frustrations and thoughts.

i have also noticed in real life that people feel very uncomfortable with subjects that are difficult. There's much more acceptance on here to enter difficult conversations.

This. For example, my siblings and I suffered severe emotional abuse in our upbringing and we can’t even talk about it with each other, let alone with friends and wider family.

The beauty about the forum is firstly is you are anomomyous that in itself is a huge safety blanket for people who are feeling very vulnerable. Maybe people don’t want to share an issue with their normal
support group as it can amplify what they are going through
what I like about it is people here are willing not only to share their wisdom but lived experience that may be similar to what the poster is experiencing . You’re trying to figure out something , need advice or guidance and someone somewhere has been in a similar position to you . Also I found posters post from a different lens and this can be of huge help if you are looking at something from one prospective. For many people their family and friends if guiding do so with emotion thrown in with strangers that isn’t always the case and when facing a big issue you don’t want emotion from others only advise

Hi @Secondstart1001 , it is like that. I've been married for over a year and things are worse.

When we were engaged, I had serious doubts. I was worried about the way he behaved - but told myself that everyone has pre-wedding doubts, that he loves me, that no-one's perfect, and that I can be too sensitive.

I think mumsnet would have pointed out that he's controlling even at that stage. The word 'controlling' hadn't even entered my head - I thought he just had a bad temper. I think if I'd posted here, I would have trusted my own concerns a bit more. Back then, everything was just inside my own head and I really wish I'd spoken to someone.

@Salepale i am so sorry to hear that. It really resonates with me as I was married and in a relationship like yours for 20 years. He was my first relationship and I didn’t know what was normal and tbh I had no awareness of coercive control / abuse. Something didn’t sit right with me and night before wedding I knew I didn’t want to marry him as he wasn’t even talking to me the night before because he wasn’t getting his own way re the band and where they would play in the hall! I was pregnant too this didn’t help me!
I hope you are ok and thinking of leaving him, please don’t waste your life like I wasted mine ( I do have 2 beautiful girls) and finally found love of my life but I spent so much time unhappy, walking on egg shells and isolated as he would get angry if I had contact with family.
why don’t you set up your own thread and get advice from a wealth of ladies on here or you can DM me if I can help you ( I don’t have mums net premium so not sure if you can but please reach out if you would like to ) xx

I think the thing is it's a very varied bunch in here, often your friendship circle are all at a similar stage and age range and haven't necessarily experienced your situation- and family are not always the kind you want to discuss with.

Myself as an example- I'm 62, I've been successful, also had a failed business and been at the level of lovely homes and also taking stuff down the pawn shop. I've had a H who adored me on paper, still had an emotional affair, I've also had an affair many years ago - ruined my first marriage. I've had difficult kids, some recent health things, elderly relative issue, - there really isn't a lot I haven't either experienced myself or have a friend who has experienced it. I've worked in everything from HR to entertainment to minimum wage stuff when kids were small.

There are plenty of women like me on here who realise life isn't always black and white- a lot of it is varying shades of grey and having random people to discuss with , get ideas from or even get things off your chest is a great thing.

Totally agree that MN is a lifeline.

Not everyone is surrounded by like minded people in the physical world or people that have the ability to truly understand your lived experience and issues.

I think I'd feel extremely "other" if I only interacted with the people I physically meet. I quite often don't share the same values or views on life and wouldn't expect to be able to get support or advice as such.

Wow. What an interesting thread title and subject OP. I have “watched” the thread and shall come back tomorrow after I’ve thought about it more ….

It’s really about the subject of “pain” and how we deal with it …

I think some people are in too much pain to “share” in the real world, partly because of the reaction and partly not wanting to burden other people.

Maybe @Rania78 also has a point: people feel reluctant to share some things in the UK - especially “failure” but maybe other stuff too? Honestly and truly my life has been one long failure - so I have nothing to share with most people who are swimming closer the surface. Perhaps we are also a more fragmented society?

Actually I find MN just as judgemental, if not more, then the real – life world. Occasionally when I have posted the attacks have been dreadful and witnessing others being attacked is distressing - the pile ons are like a bloody shark feeding frenzy - bone-chilling. I post rarely now. That said some of the posts on MN are brilliant, and when I do look I try to focus on that.