Husband on adult chat sites

[Beachpelican]

Hi I'm wondering if anyone else in this situation and wondering how you handled it. Have been with partner 20 years and had wedding booked (now cancelled) looked at his phone and found he has been on adult chat sites. These specific sites are entertainment chat only however he believed they were real. He has been on these for 5 years on and off and suggested meeting up with many women not realising the profiles were all fake.
I really don't know what to do. He has been a lovely partner and I truly believed we were happy , I could end relationship as I'm self sufficient financially but I loved the life we had and fear loneliness.
He says he's sorry and gets cross if I go on about everything. He agreed to counselling but says he wanted a one night stand ffs so honest to a degree. He says he knew I loved him and was happy but felt I no longer fancied him.
Where do I go from here?

Is he repentant? Does he still want a one night stand? Why was the wedding cancelled? Some questions need answering here. And how do you know it was just these chat sites? 5 years and not realising they were fake would surely mean that if he wasn’t getting the one night stand he wanted from them, he might have looked elsewhere?
Sounds like this could be the thin end of the wedge.

He is repentant and says he is no longer interested. I cancelled wedding. He says he had stopped this anyway and I know this is true as I saw chat history. I just feel so upset and just can't believe all this has happened tbh

So he was actively seeking a one night thing with a sex worker? Would he have used a condom or no, and if no would he have come home and had unprotected sex with you potentially putting you at risk?

Have you asked him how he would feel if he found out you were actively seeking to have sex with another man online, and if he could forgive you?

The trust would be gone for me but you have to decide if you can recover that

Woah he will do this again. There's no way I could get past this.

Doesn’t look great

They only admit to what they’ve been caught doing/the proof you have.

I always think it’s unlikely that the one thing that’s been discovered is all they’ve been up to. There’s most likely been a lot more going on.

LTB. If what he did isn't reason enough for you to end the relationship, his impatience and annoyance about you 'going on about it' should be. He's pissed off he got caught out and he wants you to shut up about it so that he can stop pretending to be sorry (and probably, once you've calmed down and forgiven him, eventually go right back to what he was doing before).

Thank you all for your advice. You are probably right about this and I will have to think seriously about my next move.

Sorry I'm late to this. Just found out I have a porn lover. I feel like your situation would be one where I would definitely leave

and suggested meeting up with many women not realising the profiles were all fake

The absolute plonker.

I'm sorry OP. You might think he's been lovely, but he's lied to you, massively. If he wanted an open relationship, he could have said this to you, but he didn't either because he knew you wouldn't want that (and he intended on doing it anyway), or / and because he didn't want to give you any impression that you were allowed to do the same. Fidelity is a one way street with some people, and they have different expectations of their partner than they do of themselves.

He probably what she doesn't know won't hurt her, but there is no room for your consent in that.

Why did you leave marriage for 20 years?

Not sure I understand Annie. Haven't yet left but have been away for weeks at a time and still considering situation.

I think @AnnieSF means why did you wait so long to get married if you have been together for 20yrs?

Whilst your OP was a while ago now, you're still considering the situation so I thought I'd give my POV.

Your P tried to cheat on you.

He tried to have sex with someone else.

The only reason he didn't was because he was too stupid to realise he was flirting with a computer 🤦🏻‍♀️

He didn't confess to you, he lied about his efforts to cheat for five years.

You were having a relationship with a man who was desperately trying to get his end away elsewhere, but didn't because no one said yes (as they weren't real 🙄)

But actually, he may have stopped contacting the online chatters because he finally realised they weren't real and he went elsewhere and did have sex with another or multiple other people.

Have you had an STD check or a smear test recently to see if he's passed on HPV?

It looks like his sexual chats were a type of addiction and addicts rarely just stop, I would be worried that he'd found his "fix" elsewhere.

You are right. I have since found out that he has also had a gambling addiction too so the combination is firm NO.

Op. My exh used sites like these early in our relationship and told me he'd stop. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but it turns out he didn't stop and every time it was somehow my fault for not giving him the attention he wanted.

I stupidly married him but my advice honestly would be to cut your losses. I know it's sad but it's no life living on your nerves wondering when they'll do it again.

He invested 5 years into other women, even if not real, instead of into your relationship.

Apparently felt you didn't fancy him but never spoke to you about it?

Come on love, he's telling lies. And blaming you as well, what a man.

Throw this lying buffoon back.

I'm so sorry to hear this. But, if you stay with this man, you'll forever be looking over your shoulder. Is that a life you want?