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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I handle this?

6 replies

Burna · 12/03/2024 20:42

I want to start by saying that I have helped my DB out an awful lot over the years.
With some quite big emotional support, I didn't mind, he is my brother.

Ive been in a pretty bad mental state for a while. It all came to a head last year when my DF nearly passed away. I think the emotional strain just got to me and I had a breakdown.

My DB moved abroad 7 years ago and I had to beg him to come home to help with the stress of looking after my parents. I literally thought my dad only had a few days left.

During my breakdown he was very good and helped a lot practically and emotionally. He blames my DH for my problems. He is responsible for some but not all and some of my brothers actions over the years hasn't helped.
He does phone my parents a lot and buys them expensive gifts but does not come back for visits . The day to day stuff helping them out is down to me.

Sorry that was long but a bit of backstory needed.

A few months ago I could feel myself spirally down again and was drinking a lot.
He offered for me to stay with him and his partner for a while, it is nice and warm where he is (European country) and said the break would do me good.

I was read the riot act when I got drunk and he rightly said that I wasnt helping myself and I had to sort myself out. My DH can be very emotionally abusive and gaslights me a lot and I admit I was drinking to block everything.
At one point he did say that I do nothing for my parents, but I left it as didn't want to argue.

Ive been here 3 weeks and apart from the first day I haven't had one drink, been walking, eating well and feel much better. I try to keep out of the house as much as I can but have bought shopping and clean and do laundry etc.

Tonight we were having dinner and were joking around. His partner speaks very little English but we do connect and she is lovely.
She made a joke about my brother and we were all laughing.
But every time we looked at each other we could t stop giggling.
My DB got up from the table and into the kitchen. I went up to give him a cuddle and said "I hope we haven't upset you?"

He got really angry and said " Fucking give it up now, just act your fucking age!"
His face was like thunder.
Me and his partner just gave each other a kind of shrug to each other and I've come to my room.

I don't know if I'm overreacting but this has really hurt me. I'm sitting here so upset, but because of my mental state I'm not sure if I'm making a big thing out of it??

It kind of hurts because he moans about how my husband speaks to me and he has just spoken to me horribly.

I have felt that I'm just being tolerated whilst I've been here. He hasn't asked me how I am feeling or talked to me really at all, he speaks to his partner in her native language but doesn't translate. We try and talk to each other using my small language skills and google translate.

The only time he really speaks to me is to tell me how I should be living my life and how to handle my husband.
He used to be a big drinker too and got into all kinds of trouble but his partner doesn't really drink so he doesn't much either.

I don't know if I should say something to him tomorrow or just leave it?

Im going home on Thursday.

Im not sure if im making more of this because of my mental state??

One more thing (im so sorry about the length of this). Because I'm on ads I feel constantly thirsty and he continues to berate me for drinking too much water and for feeling sleepy.

OP posts:
Burna · 12/03/2024 20:44

Sorry one more thing that is affecting me. He tells my DM everything and they are constantly talking about me and what I should be doing with my life.
I can't discuss this with my DM because she will tell him.

OP posts:
Neodymium · 12/03/2024 20:45

3 weeks is a long time to stay with someone. I’d start getting annoyed at a houseguest even family after that amount of time.

Burna · 12/03/2024 21:00

Thank you @Neodymium
I do get that. They are both out during the day and I go out most evenings then go to my room.

I have only eaten with them at home 3 times and at weekends I go out or let them do their thing and don't tag along.

But I do understand I could be getting on his nerves. It's just the way he spoke to me and how he constantly complains about DH doing the same.
But I could definitely be overreacting I know, that's why I'm asking

OP posts:
Burna · 12/03/2024 22:20

Sorry just bumping I'm feeling really emotional and not sure if Im the one in the wrong?

Is it just that I've overstayed my welcome?

OP posts:
Neodymium · 16/03/2024 09:38

I would say you have just been there too long. Are you sharing a bathroom? Even if you go out most nights and they are at work it’s still another person in the house. Would drive me nuts too. I would head back home and try to sort yourself out there.

ChristmasFluff · 16/03/2024 19:08

I think you are overly-focussing on your brother to avoid facing the problems with your husband.

He lives abroad, so it wasn't reasonable to expect him to be hands-on helping with your parents for example. I know my little sister loved our parents, but when she was living overseas, it was obvious she couldn't easily visit and so their illnesses were largely on me to deal with. It was just the way the cookie crumbled.

He stepped up when you had a breakdown and yet you are focussing on his one comment that upset you.

Now of course, it may be that the reason you are with a problematic husband is because of an abusive family - but it sounds like your most pressing problem right now is your husband rather than your brother.

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