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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ouch it stings

12 replies

ouchitstings · 12/03/2024 19:24

I know this thread has come up many many times but crikey it stings when they suddenly do a U turn doesn't it?

Was dating a chap for a little over a month - had 7 dates. Last saw him Sunday and everything was great (for me) and apparently for him too. Then nothing.

I thought it a bit odd as we normally text/call every and didn't hear anything from him. I messaged him yesterday and got one response... text him again today and nothing.

I'm aware it's only Tuesday but we went from speaking every day with a very good level of communication, excited for future dates (he initiated every one but I always ensured he knew I was really into him - I thought a similar level of interest on both sides.)

Anyway he's probably met someone he's more compatible with, but it would take away the sting a little more if I got a "I'm sorry I don't think we're compatible" or a "I'd like to pursue something else with someone else" than the slow fade!

Shame on me I guess for investing in this too emotionally.

OP posts:

Ofcourseshecan · 12/03/2024 21:04

I’m feeling for you, OP. Maybe he’s just got caught up in work and hasn’t had a chance to plan another date yet. But if not, you’re better off without someone who would drop you so rudely. Better luck next time xx

Mumtogirlss · 12/03/2024 21:16

Hold on so you saw him on Sunday, spoke yesterday but not today? 7 dates in just over a month is pretty intense maybe he's starting to feel a bit burnt out. Dating takes it out of people it's not just meeting up but the getting ready mentally aspect of it too and the rush that comes with it all.

Did he msg after the date ended on Sunday? Maybe he's been cracking on with work or something stressful has happened I don't know. I wouldn't assume the worst. If you call why not call him tomorrow or send a message asking if things are okay, as you noticed he's not been as talkative.

It's better to just ask instead of play games same goes for him if he's doing the slow fade if call him out on it. 7 dates is a lot of time spent with someone for them to just like ghost you if that's his plan.

Original poster

ouchitstings · 12/03/2024 21:23

Mumtogirlss · 12/03/2024 21:16

Edited

Yep - saw him Saturday and then Sunday (both childless and free) he messaged Sunday night back and forth, everything I assumed was fine.

I text yesterday and he seemed off and short in his response, I asked if everything was ok - I got nothing back. I messaged him again this morning (I hate double texting) and got nothing back.

It's just weird going from a lot of contact to nothing, it's the inconsistency which makes me feel off. I do suspect he probably has met someone he prefers or just not that into me, but when I've done that in the past when dating I've always politely sent a message to the other person thanking them for a lovely time but that the spark isn't there and wishing them the best. The slow fade is awful.

OP posts:

Original poster

ouchitstings · 12/03/2024 21:24

Ofcourseshecan · 12/03/2024 21:04

Thankyou. I'd like to think he hasn't had chance but it takes seconds to send a message so I guess I'm better off without him. At least I'd rather know now than in a few more months time!

OP posts:

Findwen · 12/03/2024 21:27

If he is always doing the initiating, maybe he is just wondering if you actually want to see him and taken a step back to see if you plan a date for a change ?

You must have asked him about what he likes to do, plan a date to do that and ask him when he would next be free for you to take him there ?

Ilovelurchers · 12/03/2024 21:27

It is shitty after 7 dates I agree - how much effort would a single "it's not you it's me" style text take him?

It's not impossible he will come back again, and I would be careful about this - that he could almost be preparing you to accept disinterest/low effort.

(And I personally would expect at least a text a day, if not more, from someone I was dating/seeing but not living with......)

Original poster

ouchitstings · 12/03/2024 21:30

Findwen · 12/03/2024 21:27

If he is always doing the initiating, maybe he is just wondering if you actually want to see him and taken a step back to see if you plan a date for a change ?

You must have asked him about what he likes to do, plan a date to do that and ask him when he would next be free for you to take him there ?

Yes we've had conversations, I suppose they were initiated by us both really but he seemed really keen. Then just a complete 180!

I've sent the last two messages so I don't really think it's down to me to plan a date when he can't even respond to a message.

OP posts:

PleaseBeHappier · 12/03/2024 21:33

Do not message him again OP and I agree you're right it is definitely a change of pattern. It sucks but you'll be fine in a couple of weeks x

Mumtogirlss · 12/03/2024 21:33

I think if you been seeing each other this much and chatting like you have, the whole double text thing seems silly to be like oh okay I'll just wait an stress instead lol. These rules just make it okay for people to ghost or not say how they actually feel. The reality is you are probably looking at your phone every five mins waiting for his name to pop up and that's no way to live.

Nah just message again and say look I've noticed you aren't communicating as much do you want to maybe chill things if it's been a bit much or are you not feeling going any further, that's okay I just want to know where we stand on things.

Original poster

ouchitstings · 12/03/2024 21:33

Ilovelurchers · 12/03/2024 21:27

It is shitty after 7 dates I agree - how much effort would a single "it's not you it's me" style text take him?

It's not impossible he will come back again, and I would be careful about this - that he could almost be preparing you to accept disinterest/low effort.

(And I personally would expect at least a text a day, if not more, from someone I was dating/seeing but not living with......)

Not even a 'it's not you it's me' - maybe it is me, but just the courtesy so I'm not sat wondering whether he'll ever message again! It's just so bizarre, literally Sunday night messaging to check I got in ok and continued messaging. Both talked before openly about what we're both looking for.

Yes I definitely expect at least a message or call a day when dating. Others may prefer less but I look for that. Especially when he was consistent from the beginning then it just ended.

I'm just disappointed that I thought this was different and I let down my guard with this chap when I'm usually quite reserved, I really can't trust my own judgment. Why do people do this? Honestly if he said he wasn't interested I'd be a little disappointed but I'd accept it and move on. It's the slow fade/future ghosting that upsets me!

OP posts:

Mumtogirlss · 12/03/2024 21:37

I understand OP I would at least end it your end with calling him out on it. It's mental how people date nowadays and discard.

That's just me though I would want to know rather than having a few days wondering if he will get in touch and honestly guys like this may resurface in a few weeks time with some bs story.

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2024 21:42

Yeah its no fun.

Thats why I don't get into a habbit of talking daily (or even every other day tbh) with people I'm dating. It feels worse if you chat lots and then suddenly that's gone too.

It makes you feel closer than you actually are.

But 7 dates in its bound to sting either way tbf.

If he reappears with some bs, don't be fooled.

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