Alone in relationship

[Ivy101]

I feel like my DP has completely checked out. He has no interest in spending time with me and we have gotten to the point whereby I have to ask him to talk to me as he is quite happy to come in from work and to have no conversation at all and do this own thing and go to bed at 7pm.
I feel so lonely. It has been over a few years that he has become completely disengaged. We do not go on date nights or have sex anymore. We have been together 7 years and he still won't talk about if he wants to have a baby together. I do have older children but I did want to have another. I feel like he has contempt for me and will roll his eyes or sigh if I try and talk to him about anything.

I am so lonely in the relationship. I work from home and haven't got any friends so I spend all my time alone. I have tried going to different hobbies to try and make some friends but I really struggle to make friendships. I feel like he feels stifled by me because of my lack of other relationships and will make passive aggressive comments like if on a Saturday his friends are busy and we have to spend the day together will say things like it would be nice if you had some friends so we didn't have to sit here on our own and I am so embarrassed because of course I would love to have some friends.

I do think he sees me as not worth making the effort because I don't have anyone. I am really struggling with the loneliness. I am trying to find a job not working from home as i think that will help.

I know I should leave him but I just can't bring myself too. I have asked him if he wants to split up and he says no and will say if we split up I would never afford my own house so I think he stays for the convenience of it.

I don't know what I am expecting anyone to say really. I just feel so lonely in the relationship and don't have anyone to talk it through with.

Oh op this sounds so difficult. Leaving is easier said than done but it does sound like the relationship is not very fulfilling for you at the moment.
Can you suggest date/acticities to do together or will he just refuse?
I think you should look at local groups/events and try to wider a social circle a bit. Is there anything you are interested in? Things like book clubs, exercise groups can be nice places to meet people.

Did the 'i'll stay if we split up' feel more like a threat than a promise? Like a 'you can't get rid of me' thing?

Tbh op in your situation I'd leave.
Life is too short for shot relationships.
And I'm sorry but you can't have a baby with this asshole. That would ruin your life. Nothing more lonely than raising a baby with a man that makes you feel invisible.

Is your children's father involved in their life? How old are they? Could they live with their dad if you needed to move into a flat share? Or if you stayed in your home but your partner left, could space be made for you to take in a lodger?

I do suggest date nights and very occasionally they will happen but he definitely doesn't enjoy them and would never arrange off his own back.
I have started some volunteer work so hoping to make some friends through that but I need to look at more.
I don't think I worded the house bit properly. He will say if we split up, he will never be able to buy a house. I can afford to stay in the house on own with my kids as I am the main breadwinner and could buy him out.

Ahh...I get you.

Well that makes him an even bigger asshole doesn't it?

He's a dickhead. Get a bulldog lawyer and get yo ducks in a row.

What he can afford or not is not your problem. If you buy him out he can sod off and rent somewhere.

And stop trying to have date nights with an eyerolling contemptuous bastard like him.

Sorry but, he doesn't like you. And you know it. Stop trying to get his approval back. He's not a nice person and you deserve better. If you stay, he'll continue to be an ice queen and you will spend your whole life trying to warm your hands on him.

You deserve better than him.

The great news is that you can see it, and you are starting to make changes.

In your favour:
You can afford the house on your own and are the main breadwinner.
You have your lovely children.
You aren't married so don't have to go through a divorce.
You're trying to make changes to your job, so you see more people (that's a brilliant plan).
You are willing to make changes to make your life better.

You can do this. Small steps but bigger plan. New job, keep trying on the friends front (hobbies, interest or campaign groups, volunteering...), work on rebuilding the self esteem he's diminshed.

A new life awaits.

So he’s the definition of a cocklodger - only staying as you provide a roof over his head. Nice…

@Ivy101 is that what you want from the relationship - or will accept? He’s not going to change. Has no reason to.

You are worth more than this and his behaviour and attitude must be bringing you down as he sounds a real mood hoover.

Tell him he can go sofa surfing at his mates until he can find somewhere else to live.

do more volunteering.
try some painting or pottery classes
what other workshops do you fancy?

OP, you have to think to yourself “what’s in it for me?”

Whats in it for him ? A comfy house with someone else taking the mental and financial load.

He doesn’t give a fig about you.
If he cant afford somewhere that’s his problem.
If he wants to stay he should make more effort but I’d say it’s too late now.

Disconnect from him and tell him he’s moving out.
He's like a mill stone around your neck.

Plenty of men out there who are happy to give you the time of day.

Why would you want to stay with him ( other than him guilt tripping you) ?

Oh bloody hell, in that case Chuck him out!

Why are you accommodating this turd who shows nothing but contempt for you?

It sounds like being so isolated has completely drained you of your self esteem making it hard for you to imagine a life without him but what does he actually bring to the table?

Id say a big fat zero. In fact I’d wager you feel a lot lonelier in this “relationship” than you would if you were single.

I really try to think what is in it for me and I have tried to speak to him about it loads of times.
I just can't imagine being on my own and how it would be if I left him. I know I would be completely alone and I can't face that.
I know I should leave him. I know he cheated on me a couple of years ago and he keeps running up credit card debt which I have to bail him out of.
I'm just not really strong enough to leave him with how isolated I am. I saw a thread on here the other day about people with no friends and lots of people in that were saying it's a red flag etc so I feel like I have rationalised that no wonder he is like this when I am so sad as to have no friends at all. It's a really hard position to be in to have noone but him.

Ivy I am so sorry you feel like this. You fail to see though, that your lack of self esteem comes from being with your current partner. If you got rid of him, the criticism and negativity he brings would be removed and over time you would be more confident and not questioning yourself as much. This would be a lot healthier position to be in to start attracting new friends and rebuilding your life.
How old are your kids? How do they get on with him? His behaviour will be impacting them by seeing him as an example of what men are like and how they treat women. I can’t imagine it is just your life he is negatively effecting.

I know he cheated on me a couple of years ago and he keeps running up credit card debt which I have to bail him out of.

No, you don't have to do anything. You're choosing to bail out an undeserving man with money that should be going towards your kids. You are putting this man above your kids and there's absolutely no excuse for that.

You've got one life and you're squandering it on some twat who doesn't even respect you. Sadly, if you refuse to demand better for yourself, nothing any of us say matters.

Send him on his way then op.. he's making you sad, wont make effort and it does sound as if you know he's just there for the sake of it. Lots of ppl stay in poor relationships because they can't afford to end it, usually not always its the woman in this situation and they are stuck but you're not stuck if you're able to move on financially so don't stay in the relationship in vain. Discuss this with him ASAP, I'm not saying throw him out today because obviously he needs to be able to sort himself out but don't delay. Don't waste these days. Either he needs to start making effort for the right reasons or it's done. Not saying this to be harsh at all and I know it's very easy to give advice, but unfortunately it's the only way to go no matter how much we try to sugar it.

Firstly, you say "I just can't imagine being on my own". It sounds like you already are on your own. Believe me when I say (and I speak from experience) that you will feel far less lonely when you are single than when you're in an unhappy relationship with someone who doesn't want to be around you.

Also, "I know he cheated on me a couple of years ago and he keeps running up credit card debt which I have to bail him out of." Um what?!?! As a PP said - why do you "have to" bail him out??? He's a grown man, he's not your husband, you don't own a house or have kids together. Why on earth would you bail him out of credit card debt?!?!

AND HE CHEATED TOO?!?! Jesus this just gets worse.

You are isolated, OP.

You're better off on your own than with bad company.

Believe it or not, you’ll feel less alone on your own.

He's probably THE reason you’re isolated because people sense it.

Once I got rid of my ex h people in my street started chatting to me whereas before, they’d
ignore me.

I think Exh gave off very negative vibes.

Why are you bailing him out ??

Thank you for your messages. I am so isolated I just haven't been able to see it. I've never spoken about it to anyone before.

I don't know why I bail him out. I have supported him financially since we met. I guess in my head I feel like what else do I have to offer him. I have just started counselling which is why I am thinking more about this.

Everyone we know thinks he is amazing and he is well loved. Many people think I am lucky he is with me and maybe I have internalised that.

I think I need people to say wtf are you doing because I need the accountability. My kids are seeing a really bad model of a relationship. My kids think he is OK, they aren't really close but get on fine day to day. He is mostly at work/asleep so the kids don't see him that much. Plus they are teenagers so are out with their friends now more.

Buy him out. He is using you for somewhere to live.

Please split with him. He's vile to you.

Live with your children and build a better life without him.

Oh OP.
You sound so lovely - really glad you're starting some volunteer work, it can get so lonely WFH and that's such a great way to meet people.
Your confidence is going to be low after such a long time, but you can build it back up - its not a straightforward path, and sometimes you will get knocked back, but you can move forward.
I have been alone in a relationship, and im by myself now, and I can really say that the lonely I am without a partner is much easier to deal with than having someone in the house who reminds me every day by their actions that they don't want to spend time with me. This will be especially true in your case as he is making little digs at you. It is MUCH more common to have no friends than people think, especially in women when you have been a single parent - you need to take that thread with a massive pinch of salt as it was mostly talking about men who have had plenty of opportunities to make/keep friends and no setbacks like motherhood, which can be a real hit to your identity and ability to be social. WFH on top of that makes it even harder. There's nothing wrong with you, you've just ended up in rubbish circumstances which has brought you this problem.
You deserve better than a man who basically openly admits he's only there for a roof over his head (never mind you paying off his debt)
And your kids deserve a better example than this too - you'd hate for them to think this sort of relationship is okay, so show them that it's not and get rid of him.
You might still be lonely, but you need a BIG Change in your life, and the lonely you are without a partner is much better than the lonely you feel when you do have a partner who doesn't want to spend time with you, trust me. And a Big Change like chucking this nasty man will give you other things to focus on. Your life is in your hands, you have the power, and you can get to the place you want to be, you just need to be brave - and I can tell that you are, a lot of people wouldn't even be able to try new hobbies or volunteering and you have. You can do this. Wishing you all the best.

Everyone we know thinks he is amazing and he is well loved. Many people think I am lucky he is with me and maybe I have internalised that

Do they indeed? have you done a poll to canvass their opinions? or is this just your low self esteem speaking?

I bet a) everyone you know doesn't think he's amazing and well-loved and you're so lucky he's with you and b) even if they do, so what? there isn't some rule that says just because everyone around you thinks the sun shines out of BF's arse means you can't dump him. YOU don't think the sun shines out of his arse and you're the one who matters here.

I agree with all of this. And OP, you WILL feel more able to grow and flourish when you are free of negativity (I.e. him)

Everyone we know thinks he is amazing and he is well loved. Many people think I am lucky he is with me and maybe I have internalised that.

Nah, I don’t believe this for a second. This is your opinion bc you feel so shit about yourself (probably helped by the fact HE tells you often how wonderful everyone thinks he is/how you are lucky to have him?)

He’s done a number on you OP, you just can’t quite see it yet but the scales are starting to fall from your eyes.

What does he do to make your life better?
Make a list of pro’s and con’s. I’m guessing one list will be very small!