Difficult friend

[ClawedButler]

I have a friend I've known for years, let's call her Anne. Anne and I are in a number of overlapping social circles.

Whenever there's a group meet-up where Anne is present, I have a feeling of impending doom and anxiety that ramps up for days beforehand. Then it takes me 2-3 days afterwards to process my feelings and begin to feel OK again.

When Anne is around, I feel like I have to suppress myself. This makes me very depressed. If I don't suppress myself, I will say the wrong thing and she'll blow up, or she'll complain to everyone about me (with me there) and all the wrong things I have said or done (e.g. laugh too loud at a comedy film).

It's exhausting and makes me so unhappy. I don't know how to extricate myself from this friendship that has clearly run its course, as she is in so many of my friendship groups and has been for many years.

Don't really know what I'm expecting from posting here, just kind of wanted to get it off my chest.

Also, I strongly suspect she says crappy things about me when I'm NOT there, to mutual friends. Because she does the same to others.

No real answer, but I'm sure you're not the only in these groups that find Anne a bit of a pain.

Do you meet others at different times when Anne is present?

Is there another friend you can talk to about this who may feel the same? Honestly, if she is that awful to everyone I'm sure there are a few of you who would be glad to phase her out.

She sounds very insecure and rather envious of your friendship with the others. Could you try a few responses when she says something about you? Such as ‘oh that’s my put down for the night’ or ‘ thanks for the character assassination’. Said with a smile would put her in her place.

Use this as a wake up call to examine why she makes you feel unsafe. Most people are able to navigate uncomfortable relationships without feeling so intensely vulnerable, so she is triggering something deep set that needs to be addressed.

Yes, I believe there are one or two others, at least, that feel similarly to me.

Thanks for your input, @Happyinarcon , that's actually really insightful. It brings up a lot of stuff from my childhood and adolescence. It may be why other people can shrug her off more easily - to me, it gets right to the heart of who I am.

@Beebumble2 I did try something like that once. It sparked an absolute meltdown in the street and ended with her storming off. Hence egg shells since then.

😲

Hence egg shells since then.

Don't be walking on egg shells, she probably picks up and acts out on this.
Just be polite, straight to the point answers, I wouldn't bother striking up/getting into any lengthy conversations with her.

I’d start calling her out on it every single time. If it causes a meltdown, good. The other people will be able to see she is rude and clearly has significant issues and maybe start phasing her out of the group.

Id use some of the examples @Beebumble2 suggested. Or simply say ‘do you have to be so rude all the time?’ or ‘you know if you can’t say anything nice it’s best not to say anything at all’