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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Handhold please as I am processing my breakup and my ego is bruised

14 replies

datcherygrateful · 12/03/2024 12:25

I've recently ended a relationship with a man that I loved but we were not compatible. We've been together over 3 yrs. When I initiated the breakup I did explain I did not feel like a priority, that I felt like a NPC. It felt imbalanced and he did apologise for taking me for granted. He told me that I was the nicest person he has ever met, and that he'd rather have me as a friend than drop out of his life completely as he values me and really likes me as a person. We attended a few family engagements after that conversation and on the last day I did say that if a friendship is to take place, we need a 30 no contact period to help us emotionally detach. He initially said that is too long, but it's been 3 weeks and we have both stuck to it. His mother has reached out to say over the last couple of weeks that I'm still part of the family and that she loves me which was sweet to hear and made me believe things are still amicable.

My ego is a little bruised and I know that what I will say next is probably petty or pointless in the grand scheme of things but please bear with me. I was on FB and noticed he had taken down most of our photos together, which I expected tbh at some point yes but, when we first started dating and became friends on FB I noticed that he had kept all of his photos of his ex on there, even though he had split up with her 2 yrs prior (photos of them as a couple at events and hols). I brought it to his attention at the time as I was curious and he took them down.
So, my Ego is a little bruised as I say. I feel hurt that he's taken ours down so quickly, it feels like he doesn't care, and that he's just gotten over this breakup so quickly and that whatever he said about me he didn't mean and that is now not amicable?

Help me snap out of it

OP posts:
Picklestop · 12/03/2024 12:31

You are both making this harder on yourselves. Clean break is best, not dragging it out.

Last time I split up with somebody, I immediately took down / put away their photos as I didn’t want to look at them. I was the one that was broken hearted and it didn’t help me.

Fortitudinal · 12/03/2024 12:35

So he left up photos of his ex (probably laziness) and you asked him about them and he took them down?

So he has learnt from you that that’s what you do when you break up with someone. You steered him to that action I think. I don’t think it means anything other than that.

Dont stay friends OP. Three years maybe, maybe after that you could have the perspective to be friends (and maybe not). Thirty days is madness. Let him go.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/03/2024 12:35

This is not a friendship that is going to work / last. You broke up with him, he thinks you can be ' friends ' clearly you can't if you are stalking his Facebook etc. and getting upset.

It's over, move on - keep yourself busy by swiping on the OLD websites. Look forwards and enjoy.

datcherygrateful · 12/03/2024 12:39

I agree and everything you are saying is rational, but I can't quite get out of this rejection/ego/ overthinking mode

OP posts:
datcherygrateful · 12/03/2024 14:11

Update- just discovered that his mum has blocked me. I hadn't even messaged or anything. She last reached out on Sunday to wish me a Happy Mother's Day.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/03/2024 14:33

His mother wished you a Happy Mother's Day, why
you didn't mention children in your 1st post
and she's not your child.

But I am pleased she has blocked you, it's now easier for you and him to realise it is over, as she should never have reached out to you in the first place.

Tel12 · 12/03/2024 14:37

That's fine, now block him and move on. You ended it with good reason. Concentrate on your future.

datcherygrateful · 12/03/2024 14:43

I didn't mention my child because we don't share children. My child is from a previous relationship.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 12/03/2024 15:13

She said happy mothers day to you, so polite response would of been to say " happy mothers day" back surely. But you say you didn't message her at all - bit rude that tbf.
I'd guess she mentioned to your ex that she'd sent a nice message and hadn't heard back, so he's given her a serve and told her to stay out of it as it could appear embarrassing to him. That will be why the block since.
I think you might be a tad odd to have commented on photos of an ex being on someone's FB. To me that's fair and normal, especially if no ill feelings and I'd take that as a red flag, in fact it has been a red flag for me. We all have a past, why should pics of ex's on FB be taken down?
You've probably given him the impression that it should be what a person does, and therefore he should take yours down. But tbf, if any BF told me to take ex pics down I certainly would not, and I'd be concerned to be asked to do so.

datcherygrateful · 12/03/2024 15:26

I did message back actually. What I was saying is that i wasnt poking and prodding to get blocked

OP posts:
datcherygrateful · 12/03/2024 15:30

The mum reached out to me and I replied, and in fact the last reply was a heart emoji from both of us. So it was a warm and affectionate exchange.
I was emphasising that during our breakup I was not poking and proding and disrespecting boundaries to the point she would want to block me. My communication was measured and reciprocal.

Now onto the FB pics. His ex was according to him v mean to his kids and I was questioning why if he didn't like her that much and she was mean, to have all her photos up there? He agreed, I didn't force him to do anything.

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 12/03/2024 15:55

No contact means —— no contact !
so seeing him on Facebook is kind of contact

im assuming he removed you as he’s hurt

but you can’t be friends can you ?

block him on Facebook and stop this pain

its impossible to heal and get over someone if you are always talking to their mum and stalking (no judgement btw ) their social media

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/03/2024 16:43

I'm a bit confused why it is your ego that is bruised, you seem to be making this all about you...

it was you that ended the relationship, so surely it should be him that is upset / ego bruised

or is it because he removed your photos from his Facebook - he is only doing what you told him to do previously.

time to move on now, stop thinking about him / his mother etc.

onwards and upwards, plenty of nice decent men out there that will treat you as No 1 ( after any children they have of course )

Epidote · 12/03/2024 16:53

You broke up with him. Will be him crying and begging make a difference?
Time is a healer. You will be over it soon when you realise that your ego is being unreasonable here.

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