This is probs going to be a long post so please bear with me.
To put things into perspective, my side of the family have always been dysfunctional. I never knew how bad it was until I got older and went to therapy.
I have two siblings. One lives in another country and the other lives nearby. I moved out at 18 because of how toxic the house was… ie when my younger sibling still lived at home they used to deal drugs, smoke them in the house, was physically abusive to everyone and really took the mick out of my mum. It’s always been that way and still is. My older sibling stayed at our family home with her husband and 3 kids and continued to take the mick out of my parents (basically my parents became my nephews and nieces parents!). I kept my mouth shut for a while because I probably thought it was more normal than what it was.
When I had children, which was in between my OS having children, mine were never really thought about. My parents would spoil the others and not really do the same with mine and it was very apparent. Eventually I became to accept it although it’s still painful at times but what can you do. I said it enough times for it to be ignored as there were so many instances of blatant favouritism that honestly you’d all find shocking.
As the children got older and my older sibling moved out with her family, she still palmed off her kids every weekend all weekend at my parents so that my children would never get any quality time with them. I had to tell them to not go so mine could (we both have 3 each and I thought it would be too much for my parents to have to watch 6 kids!!) however most of the time I would be there, or if I needed them to babysit for special occasions every now and again. I rarely ask my parents for favours because of my older sibling.
More recently, I have had therapy and talked through all of this. There are more things to it with my parents, they’ve never been loving, they never call me unless they want something, never ask how the kids are.
They are in constant contact with my other sibling with kids, and to put another long story short mainly it’s because my mum is quite controlling of their situation and has always been heavily involved in their life whereas I have boundaries. My older sibling also is quite neglectful of her children and very immature for her age (we are both mid - late 30’s).
The past 2 years saw the breakdown of her marriage (very toxic again as it’s a cycle!) and since is on her second relationship where she has practically moved him in and her kids have suffered and came last. This is where I’ve not been able to hold my tongue with her because it’s been awful as the kids are older now and affected by it. Her house is a disgrace, always drinking, the kids go with it sometimes as apparently she’s always skint but manages to buy cigarettes and stuff for herself. My mum doesn’t help the situation as she runs around after her condoning and supporting the behaviour. At Xmas though, it was the last straw. She palmed her kids off there for most of the 2 week break, my other sibling and partner had come back from overseas to not have any time with my parents bc her kids and herself were there constantly. I said something politely and of course older sibling sulked and my mum pandered to her. I didn’t go back to my mums until the new year as I couldn’t cope with how much she’s taking the piss out of them and how much my mum carries on. I’m currently expecting and as soon as it was announced she then decides she wants a baby… with her bf of 5 months. She isn’t in a stable position to at all and just expects that everyone else will rally around her and this new baby… everyone in the family have told her how irresponsible it is, for instance she doesn’t own a house, no savings, no money, no job stability, in debt, not even emotionally stable, doesn’t even properly know this new guy, isn’t even divorced for christs sake, and the impact it will have on her current children. I feel like I can never have anything or do anything without her having to do it also (I know that sounds petty but it’s because she knows my mum will then help me out with baby instead of being constantly available for her kids and there has been loads of other instances where she just can’t be herself and wants to do everything and have everything I’ve had because she’s used to it all being handed to her whereas I’ve worked hard for what I have in my life!).
In the new year though she threatened to hit me, currently pregnant and called me a slag (her DD was sat next to me) because I told her to calm down as we were playing a game at my mums. My dad did nothing even when she went to punch me but my mum & grandma told her she was out of order (which I was surprised at as they always take her side). She left and I haven’t spoken to her since as it was so horrible. I didn’t even do anything! She still hasn’t apologised for losing her temper at me and nobody has even encouraged her to as in my mum. My mum is acting as if we are dead to each other… I’ve told her where I stand as in I’m not taking abuse and I thought as she reflected that she would apologise (I always do the other way round if I think I’ve upset her). I know it’s not my mums job but my she’s acting as if it was a perfectly fine scenario when really it was awful and I wouldn’t even have said what she said to a stranger let alone a sibling.
Now I’m at a point where I don’t even want to be involved with my mum (there is so much more toxic stuff my mum has done, for instance she ‘doesn’t fancy’ coming out for the day for my sons birthday next week).
The only issue here is my DH parents passed away so we have little support (we don’t always need it!). It’s just so draining with my family. I’ve taken a step back already but now I think once our new arrival is here my mum will only make the effort (she’s more of a hindrance tbh she will just sit there and not help us in anyway) bc it’s a baby.
I don’t know what to do.