Just looking for female support and advice. Please.

[ETIHBIE]

I should start by saying i'm not a mum, we tried, it turns out we can't do that, and our life has taken a different path since which has lead to different and amazing things.
But i'm stuck with something, and i've not got women in my life to reach out to. So i came here.
Basically i nearly died 2 years ago, my better half saved my life. Everything settled down after and went back to normal.
As the 1 year ''anniversary'' approached things got really bad for me, flashbacks, panic attacks, he told me i'd lost my 'happy, bubbly self'' and should see someone. He was right and reaching out was the right thing to do. I'd been struggling and getting it sorted was the right thing to do.
However, since starting therapy, and dealing with facing things from the event i have pushed to one side, i feel like he's over analysing me.
i know i am an over thinker, and really sensitive, but i always have been. We've been together almost 10 years and he knows about those things. But since i nearly died it's been different. he'll almost monitor my mood and reactions to things, and pull me up on it, but because i'm quite highly aware of other people and feelings, i spot it straight away.
He'll tell me i've changed since i started therapy, but it was his suggestion, and i feel he should know a bit about what this is like as i stood by him through his therapy 5 years or so ago.
Something that's really stood out is that i've explained to him how much i resent not having a mum figure in my life. I wish i new how to do my hair, or makeup, and spend way too long on youtube trying to figure things out. I resent and hate that i can't do the things i want to do, i want to be able to leave the house with my hair looking amazing, but he'll say things like '' i thought you were going to try and reach out to some female friends to learn that stuff'' and then i'm left feeling less of a woman.
He and i have been through so much in our decade together, and i firmly believe that we can beat anything, i just don't get how things changed once i started therapy. I don't understand why he seems to analyse my mood. The issue is that it puts me on edge, and then i spiral from there.
We've spent half our lives building our dream life, and out of nowhere i feel like i'm on guard.
How do i approach this with him? I feel like it's spoiling who we are together, i get that he's trying to keep me well and look out for me, but i just feel on guard now.
Small things, he text me goodnight tonight, and instead of the normal ''good night, hope you sleep well, have amazing dreams x'' he put 'i'm going to bed. Goodnight.'
So my brain goes, well everything has been fab tonight, nothing out of the ordinary,i wonder if he's okay?'
So i got in touch and said, ''hey, just cheching your okay before bed ?''
He said ''I knew you'd react like that''
So i'm sat there then wondering if i'm in the wrong? I was just making sure he was okay.
It's moment like those that are new, and i don't know why, or if it's me.
Sorry for ranting

He's testing you and setting you up there. He knew you'd notice that his goodnight was done with less feeling. Is he working away or do you not live together after 10 years?

We have a businesses together and both agree that because of how stresful work can be, it's not time to move in together. We're selling up in 2026 and the goal has always been to take the next step then.
We spend time at each others through the week and everyweekend, holidays etc but we know there has to be alone time too because of work, we spend most of everyday together, but we both need spaces in which we can work and chill. I can spend from 6pm to 4 am stuck in my home office dealing with work stuff, as can he. We've both worked our asses off to reach a goal and we're super close. I get that may seem weird to conventional standards, but for us it works.
I should clarify, our roots are deeply set, i don't doubt our relationship for a moment.
I worry that the things i put him through when i was ill are impacting him, they're obviously impacting him, but he'll never say that. How do i approach that? Or heal that? I know he's loosing sleep over it becasue i can be in bed with him soothing him through the nightmares while getting through my own therapy. He won't discuss it with me because he knows i'll be upset, but i feel we need to talk about it because that will break through where we are stuck and that's why he can be snippy with me or over analyse.
It's like i'm analysing him to look after him, and he's anaysing me to look after me. Neither wanting to upset the other

PP completely right - he did that on purpose to set you up.

Out of curiosity, how did the conversation go after that?

I hate the overuse of the word gaslighting but it sounds like he's about to gaslight you into thinking that you're crazy for reading into something he so obviously did to cause a reaction.

I hope you're ok.

I have a mum but she never helped with hair or makeup! I have learnt a lot from the internet. I don’t think it matters where you learn stuff.
I suspect that what you are wanting is the feeling of closeness, of caring. I understand that because I didn’t get that either.
I can’t tell if your partner is genuinely worried about you, which causes him to monitor your moods, or if he’s playing on your insecurities and setting you up to fail.

2 things jumped out of this.
After 10 years you don't live together.
I couldn't imagine not living either dh - as we love each other and couldn't bare not ti be together.

So I'd give it up on that alone- let alone the lack of his support.
And secondly if you struggle with your hair - see a hairdresser.
I lost my mum young but not sure she'd have any better advice than my hairdresser, who is lovely.

Can you tell him what you want and need from him?

he sound’s hyper vigilant and that’s making you hyper vigilant.

both trying to feel safe psychologically around each other but it’s not working.

can you talk this through with your therapist?
you may need to put some boundaries in with him and his over analysing.

Another one who never learnt hair or makeup from my mother 🤷‍♀️

I agree with others. Knowing hair and makeup has nothing to do with being a woman.

That good night text was gaslighting. He's trying to keep you unbalanced.

I found with one of my ex as soon as he found out I had a history of something in my past mental health he immediately put the blame for everything in me. It was his get out of jail free card to treat me shit then call me crazy. Just be sure your partner isn't doing similar to you xx

He doesn't sound very supportive, in fact it reads like he's trying to sabotage your therapy. Were you very reliant on him beforehand? Do you think he liked his role as your knight in shining armour and now resents the fact that you're getting stronger through therapy and he's become insecure and as a result a bit of an arsehole?

The 'goodnight' message was an awful thing to do, he's played on your insecurities to make you feel worried and question him, and when you did, he's used that to make you feel even worse and question more by saying 'I knew you'd say that's- this isn't the words or actions of a kind man

Sometimes they don't like it when you're learning new things about yourself, going to therapy and getting better as such. He may feel threatened that you won't need him as much or that you'll become more self sufficient. If the relationship is to stay healthy he'll need to accept that and be pleased that you are working through everything with the aim of becoming stronger. That message was clearly sent to set you up. Obviously you're going to react like that. Maybe he feels threatened by the therapist and doesn't want someone else doing what he feels is his job?? Either way, healthy boundaries need to be put in place. You need to tell him what is acceptable and what isn't to you in order for you to stop being on edge.

You sound a bit enmeshed. I think therapy is a good idea for you and maybe you do need to look into what support you have outside of your relationship..
I reckon your DP enjoys your dependency and the fact that as a woman without children or a Mum you have made him your centre. You getting therapy is perhaps making him feel a little insecure. I agree that the off hand text was a deliberate ploy to see if you noticed and to unsettle you.

I'd seperate the mum issue, surely most people learn hair and make up from you tube. I've got a mum and some female friends, but I've never been taught hair or make up tips from them, and I've never walked out of the house with me hair looking amazing.

I might be way off beam here OP and I apologise if I am, but when you nearly died, was that by your own hand? If it was, I'm wondering if that's why he's so hyper vigilant around your mental health. I'm sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree. (And also if I'm not, I'm sorry you were in such an awful place at that time.)

There's also the old proverb about "If you save someone's life, you're then responsible for the rest of it." If you've previously had a loving and more equal relationship, maybe he now feels he has to protect you. Could a few sessions of joint counselling be helpful, perhaps? To help you both express in a safe environment how your needs in the relationship may have changed.

I wouldn't have read anything into that goodnight text to be honest.

I had a similar thought, but even if this wasn't the case, I'm not surprised that your near-death situation would have caused your partner to become hyper-vigilant.

I disagree with the previous posters accusing him of gaslighting; I think if that was the case he would have displayed it in the 10 years beforehand. His behaviour has changed since saving your life.

You say you've been in therapy dealing with what happened, but has he? It would have been a traumatic event for him as well, and it doesn't sound like he's processed it - or not in a way that allows you space to process it as well.

I agree with this. I think he might feel insecure you are in therapy and you won't need/rely on him as much. The goodnight text was shitty!

I wouldn’t have taken offence at his remarks or texts, but then I’m not you. There’s mention of you both being hyper-vigilant around your mental health issues. That must be a very stressful environment for you both. You seem to be in a cycle of destructive codependency where you’re analysing him constantly and finding him at fault, whatever he says or does.
You say that your DP saved you and has supported you through your therapy and recovery journey. He obviously cares deeply for you and must have been traumatised by coming so close to losing you. IMO he sounds exhausted. He needs some time to himself without any caring responsibilities, just for respite and to refocus. Therapy may or may not be the answer for him, but he needs to be allowed the space to make that decision for himself.

Another take on it... I suspect that he too might need some counselling to come to terms with how your brush with death has made him feel. He nearly lost you, and maybe the trauma of that is having a greater effect on him than either of you realise. I'm not saying that his experience comes anywhere close to yours, it is entirely different, but the human psyche is a funny thing.

I had a major cancer scare last year, and it affected DH way more than it did me.

I suggest you sell up and go your own way and meet a man who will get married with you and try again for kids.