Tonight has been a real low point....

[woodenleg]

With my ex husband.

He's incredibly abusive. I sent him an email to try sort contact with ds who is 5.

He hasn't seen ds for 6 weeks. For the last 6 months he's been in and out of ds life. He's back again and wants ds on Saturday for the day like nothings happened.

I emailed him to set out an arrangement that I thought was best. A couple of hours at the park and build up contact if he could prove himself. I told him I was still dealing with social services from his abuse and that we need to be careful and deal with contact in the right way that's best for ds.

His response :I'm going to ring social services and tell them about the time you wanted to kill yourself, you are not perfect'

2.5 years ago I was suicidal because of him. I left and got help. I still took care of my children. Social services are more than happy with me as a parent. It's him that's the problem.

I didn't stay grey rock - I sent him a long essay back. I feel stupid. His new girlfriend was also telling him what to put I could tell.

My 5 year old son is trapped in this.

No further in organising contact for ds. I feel full of anxiety.

Don't worry about the reply you've already sent, that's done and can't be changed. You have said what you needed to say to him and that's ok.
Gather up your strength and stand firm from now on. Communicate only with facts and details about ds contact arrangements.
Social services know your situation and know of his abusive history, they understand that accusations will be made and will have seen abusive men do this before. It sounds like they are on your side so try not to worry about any threats he has made.
You said it yourself, he's an abusive bully and you're well rid from the sounds of things.
Stay strong.

Ex: hi, social services. I want to report my ex. She’s an unfit mother. She threatened to kill herself.

SS; that’s very worrying and it sounds like she needs help. Is your child safe?

ex; no, my ex is totally unreliable and is suicidal.

SS: when did your ex say she was suicidal

ex: 2.5 years ago.

SS: ……..but she has not done anything since then?

ex: she’s crazy

SS: what makes you say that?

ex: she won’t let me see my ds?

SS; we have notes on file that you are abusive….

his abuse means you a still effected by his craziness. But quite honestly, my fake convo is so fake because the moment he rang them, ss would know he’s talking bs.

Yes I know you are right. I'm not actually worried about him ringing social services. I wish he would and say that cos he would sound like the biggest twat around.

It's the contact with ds I am worried about and struggling to handle.

He's made my life hell. Life is better without him. But I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt if I stopped contact. Ds loves him. Yet he is vile. He has another son at the age of 9 who no longer wants to see him. That says it all.

Let him be the one to apply to make formal arrangements for access. Don't understand why you would contact someone incredibly abusive to have contact with your child.

You shouldn't be the one trying to facilitate it.

Stop trying to arrange contact. Stop responding. Let him take you to court. Keep all communications, screenshot everything in case he is able to delete things.

What @crystalize says.

If your son is 5 and in school, see if they can help you and your child, through something like early help via social services, which means your child sees their parent at a controlled contact, that way you don't see him at handover, and his contact is supervised.

I wouldn't respond to another thing. After making a malicious and untrue allegation to my work I emailed my ex and new wife and the first sentence they wrote back was 'we thought we'd hear from you today.'
Never again did I react to a thing. Court order and fact emails only, never emotional. It drove them mad for years but made the children's life easier and calmer.
I would stop it all and advise due to his abuse he will need to take the legal route for seeing his child which is always open when down correctly and consistently

Thank you for the comments.

I have since spoken to my solicitor, my social worker, my therapist and my son's school who all say I have handled and am handling this correctly.

My solicitor has offered to act as a 3rd party in terms of sorting contact so I don't have to speak to him.

I know I am doing nothing wrong by wanting to arrange short visitation for my son. My social worker especially agreed that it was the right thing to do and has put the latest episode on file.

I have an appointment booked with my domestic abuse worker too. I can't do anymore.

My issue half the time is I don't believe any of it is this is that bad but those around me insist that it is.

I was absolutely petrified of my him. I worked my arse off trying to keep him happy so to 'disobey' him his very scary

This. Court... document everything..

He has sent me a text today telling me I need to text the child maintenance service as he cannot access his account and I need to get them to send him a letter or ring him....still thinks he can use me as his slave.

He then told me he never wants to speak to me again.

I told him he can contact my solicitor and have blocked him.

I've had enough. However I am scared now I wonder if I should log this to the police against my previous complaints.

This is an awful way to live

If it wasn't so sinister, it would be amusing - he wants you to contact CMS for him? Why?

I don't think you can contact the police for this UNLESS there's an ongoing investigation/case re abuse and/or harassment and/or stalking.

I think at this point, you've attempted to arrange contact and can show that. You've now passed this off to a solicitor because of his unreasonable behaviour. I think it's perfectly okay that you have blocked him and made it clear you want no contact. If he wants to go forward with seeing your DS, he can contact your solicitor.

Im' sorry you're dealing with this OP.

Yes he told me to contact them because he can't remember his passwords. It's all about control. It is laughable really - that part is. I think what's happening is he is getting email notifications saying he has a letter to open which are in his account. He doesn't get letters sent through the post, he gets them sent to his online account. As he can't get into it, he actually expects me to ring them and get them to ring him 🙄

I have actually called the police. As I've called them twice towards the end of the year I thought it was a good idea just to make a record of this. They were great and I'm going down to the station on Saturday just to log it and show them the messages. I told them about him telling me he has been mentally unwell recently. If you mix that with how angry he is at me, it's not a good combination.

They said I'd done the right thing just incase it escalates further.

I've done everything I can and I know this. It just doesn't stop the guilt that I have for my son not seeing his dad. But as my dad keeps reminding me, that's because I am a good person who cares for others.

I've done everything I can and I know this. It just doesn't stop the guilt that I have for my son not seeing his dad. But as my dad keeps reminding me, that's because I am a good person who cares for others.

Your dad is totally right and it's this personality trait that probably allowed him to get his claws into you in the first place. It's so unfair - being good makes you vulnerable.

Also, of course you feel bad that your DS is not seeing his dad. Unfortunately, I know this is hard to get your head around, the reality is that in the long term less contact with his dad is probably better as he'll be abusing your DS in one way or another over time too. But of course, in the short term, the emotional anguish and upset is real.

Thank you - you are spot on.

I'm sure in time it will get easier and the fog will fade. It's been 6 months of hell trying to divorce him and dealing with his crap. He introduced my son to his new girlfriend after being with her for 3 weeks and not seeing ds for 6 weeks. I've had little maintenance of him.

Absolutely nothing is straight forward.

I think I just have the worry of him coming back. I can guarantee this isn't over. And the fact he only lives 10 mins away and it scares the life out of me.

I'm glad I called the police, at least I will have this logged

You're doing all the right things - I hope things get sorted out for you. Just wanted to send you my best wishes - your son is lucky to have you x

Thank you, that means a lot. The only positive is we are closer than ever ❤️❤️