Scared of what will happen

[chick333]

Hey, so me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. Living together for one year. We just moved into our second apartment. I love living with him and having him in my life he honestly makes my life easier and every time I wake up and go to sleep next to him my day just feels complete. However, recently we haven’t been able to understand each other and agree on petty things such as spending time with each other. Really petty arguments that would turn into quite big. I am scared as last week, he packed up some of his things and left to stay at his sisters house. He didn’t even let me know he had any intentions of leaving. I came back from work and he was gone. I texted him asking what’s happened. He said he wanted time to think, a break. I want to give him that space but he saying he’s scared to be in a relationship with me because he’s scared nothing will change, we’ll still argue. I tried to tell him I’d rather try and sort it out than lose him and I’ll try and be more understanding. However he’s completely pushing me away and closed off. He finally told me he wants some time for himself, so he will stay at his sisters, however he wants to visit me and try and take it slow so he’s less scared and he said he won’t come back until he sees that there has been an improvement. He came to visit me and hugged me and kissed me and I even initiated sex. He then told me he loved me and was so passionate and attracted to me. He stayed the night but the next day he left to go to his sisters house again. All he said is we will try and make it work but there needs to be a change. When he is at his sisters he ignores me quite a bit. I am so scared. I’m staying in our apartment by myself. It’s making me depressed thinking that he will leave this apartment and everything we have built together. What do you guys think? I want to prove to him I can be better and I want him to prove to me the same. But I’m scared he’s going to leave me and I feel like my world is ending. I love him so much.

What do you argue about? (I have some suspicions)

And if someone asked his sister what she thought of her brother’s relationship, what would she say?

Could the change in apartment and all the stress that comes with a move have triggered this?
sadly there’s not much you can do if he says he’s needing space, you just need to be respectful of that. What I don’t think fair is the coming and going. It feels like he’s stringing you along. Like he’s okay to spend the night with you but not willing to come back and work on it?

Personally, and I know this will be painful for you, I think you need to be direct with him. If he wants a break and space then agree some terms and have a proper break of a week or so. Don’t contact each other, go out and spend time with your family and friends and decide what you want in life. Yes the arguing isn’t good but he’s making it sound like it’s all
on you and it’s all your fault there’s problems and that’s just not fair!

You need to be strong, it may feel like your world is
ending but its not. You don’t deserve to be in limbo whilst he decides if he wants you or not. You deserve to be part of this discussion and he needs to discuss it properly. Running away to his sister and not contacting you is awful! Please remember that, you would never have done that to him.

Honestly and kindly what you should be scared of is letting this man rule your life.

Things shouldn't be this tricky after only 1 year together. What's probably happened is that you've both picked up on aspects of the other person's habits/character that have started to irritate, hence the petty arguments. This is generally why it's a great idea to live with someone before making bigger commitments like mortgages, marriage or children. Some people can love each other a lot, but ultimately not be compatible. That's no one's fault.

Stop trying to jump through hoops to please him. Right now he can have his cake and eat it (sex with no responsibility).

Take some time for yourself and think about what kind of life you want to be living 5, 10 years from now. Do you want to be on eggshells all the time just in case you upset him again? Do you want to be worried that he'll just up and leave you again? Do you really want to give all your love and energy to someone who won't appreciate it?

In your shoes in my 20s I almost certainly would have had the instinctive reaction you're having. Panic, fear of losing someone I love, be willing to bend over backwards to make them happy...no matter how difficult or against my nature it would be. Roll on a couple of decades and I definitely have the experience to confidently say that no one is worth making yourself miserable for, even if you love them.

Take control, end the relationship and block him is my advice. Your future self will thank you for it.

I really hope you're not going to be on here in 5 years time with a small child with perfect hindsight that staying was a terrible idea because he's ruined your life.

What change is it that he wants to see? What actually are the issues within the relationship? Is it the case that you/one of you is to blame for the escalating arguments or is it just a case of winding each other up?

I think without knowing the context it’s impossible to comment really. When a relationship is struggling I do think one person getting out of the environment can be a really positive thing and a good idea, living together can become a pressure cooker for problems and sometimes just a bit of space gives both people a bit of perspective.

The only thing I would say is you need to try and get some perspective, yes any break up is sad, but it’s never the end of the world. If this one does end then it wasn’t meant for you!