Have you ever taken a break from a relationship for your mental health?

[coffeeandcake123]

My mental health isn't great at the moment. My relationship has also had a lot of up and downs (they're very likely closely linked). I love my partner very much, and know that he loves me. However, I don't feel I have the mental capacity right now to work through our relationship issues as I strongly feel that I need to work on my self first. I have been very clear with my partner about this. He is supportive of me working on my mental health, but doesn't want us to be apart. The problems we have can't be pushed to one side so I feel I need to step away. Has anyone been in a situation like this and if so do you have any advice or experience? Many thanks

Yes I have done this - as a teen from a boyfriend not from a partner who lived with me. Ultimately it gave me the space and calm to think things through and consider what was good for my mental health and that he was actually being abusive. It was resolved partly by us breaking up temporarily after six weeks (it was a very rough six weeks) and then permanently after a few months as I had changed and saw him in a different light (finally). So maybe not the example you were hoping for. He also didn't like me as much as I was suddenly more assertive! So it worked out well, as I have had a much better life without him.

If you can agree to part temporarily then you both need to set some boundaries around that e.g. no texting, no emailing, no calls. You'll need a few weeks and a plan of what you will do to improve your mental health in that time. You don't need to share the details of your plan with your partner, it's your health after all. You may find this does fix your relationship or if not it will bring other issues into sharp focus, perhaps things you have not noticed yet. Either way it will be positive.

Hope you get the space and the breakthrough you need.

Have been on the other side of this.

Partner said he loved me and wanted to work on himself for a while to get back into being in a state where he could have a relationship.

However, he didn't communicate anything at all, not even the amount of time he wanted, and wouldn't communicate in the meantime. So from my perspective it was like being dumped and ghosted with nothing to hold on to and no idea what or how he was doing, except that he wanted me to hold on and wait for him, at some unspecified future point when he'd be ready.

It was horrible for my mental health to be on the other side of that, and I think it was a really horrible way to treat someone who you know loves you, and who you say you love. From my perspective it felt like being abandoned.
Maybe it couldn't have been helped with his mental health issues, but I found I could only give him a month and then, for my own mental health, I needed to say "either you give me some definite dates, or it's over, I can't wait without even knowing how long it'll be". And he couldn't give dates, so we were both pretty heartbroken, but sometimes things just don't work out.

Do you really need to step away from the relationship? Maybe you could channel your focus and energy on improving your own mental health while maintaining the relationship. It's like working to fix an underlying problem before you make any rash huge life decisions. When your head is in a better place, you'll be more equipped to decide if this relationship is for you when you're on an even keel. I feel it might be unfair on your partner to wait for an inordinate period of time. If your partner loves you, they will support you in your focus to work on your own mental health.

I'd hope I'd find the willpower put my own mental health as top priority, always. Your own sanity has to come before a man. YOU need to put yourself first.

I don't know what these ups and downs are...maybe he had physical illness or something...so maybe it's not fair to say we shouldn't stay with people in unhappy situations. But it is fair to say we shouldn't stay with people who create situations that make us unhappy.

Take the time apart. Use it to consider if it is better apart than together.

The thing is...we have to learn to separate how we feel about someone from how they make us feel. Because the later - IS the relationship. Someone could be handsome and shiny and the love of our life but if being with thrm makes us feel shit about/within ourselves....then it's not a relationship we should be in. At all.

You can take a break, but you need to be aware he could use that time to decide he wants to go on without you - as I did when an ex took time out of our relationship.
If you’re okay with the risk then that’s fair enough - to be honest I get the feeling you’re better without him anyway.

Thank you. It is really useful to have different opinions to read. We have agreed (at his request) to a fortnight with no contact at all and then we'll have a conversation as to where we are then. I love him very much and would love more than anything to be with him, but I know that unless I work on getting myself back to a good place we would just fall apart anyway.

If you feel you need to take a break from a relationship then really it sounds as if that’s not the right relationship for you. Your relationship shouldn’t be causing your mental health to decline for a start, and secondly, partners should want to work through tough times together so if he’s the whole cause of it in the first place then I don’t see the point of you being together? It sounds like you’re a bit suffocated by him and need to make a clean break.

I tend to agree with this.

I think in cases where there is general life overwhelm, choosing not to see someone you are in a relationship with for a couple of weeks to sort things out can help but I wouldn't consider that to be a break from the relationship.

Taking a break from the relationship means that the relationship is the problem. How are you going to solve and resolve issues in the relationship on your own for two weeks?

Do you both have specific things to consider away from each other? Are there specific actions you've agreed on?

Is it that you (both) want to be able to reflect on things with a clear head with a view to moving forwards?

Because 2 weeks isn't going to do anything for your MH if your MH is caused by the relationship and it's only you who is going to he doing any work in that time.

The thing is...we have to learn to separate how we feel about someone from how they make us feel. Because the later - IS the relationship.

Yes.

So many people don't seem to understand this.

“If you feel you need to take a break from a relationship then really it sounds as if that’s not the right relationship for you. Your relationship shouldn’t be causing your mental health to decline for a start, and secondly, partners should want to work through tough times together so if he’s the whole cause of it in the first place then I don’t see the point of you being together? It sounds like you’re a bit suffocated by him and need to make a clean break.”

This. He may be a great guy but if the relationship is harming your (or his) mental health then it’s not right for you. You may need to ease your way out in steps but if a relationship doesn’t boost you and make you feel secure and confident then the relationship isn’t working.

How long have you been with your partner? I say this because if it’s more long-term, it may merit a bit more than something that’s relatively new.

I’m not a fan of ‘breaks’. Just be clear in terms of wanting to spend time on your own and seeing how you are without the pressures of a relationship, otherwise the existence of the relationship will always be lurking in the background.

It’s also not fair to just keep him waiting without the ability to continue with his own life.

I would recommend you just split without the uncertainty and if it’s meant to be and makes you both happy, it’ll work itself out. But see who you are without him at first.

I really do appreciate responses from all sides. My suggestion was to finish things entirely and if we are meant to be, in the future things will work out. The last thing I want is to leave him hanging on for an unknown amount of time with no promises of anything at the end. He was the one that requested a fortnight of no contact and then a discussion to see how we were.

There's a lot of background to everything which is too much to put down here. From both sides. All I know is that I deeply love him, would love to live a happy, uncomplicated life with him but the steps we need to work on things aren't possible for me when I'm currently struggling. I am just about getting through day to day, working and looking after my children (they're not his children, though he has a close relationship with them - he doesn't live with us though).

I think living a happy uncomplicated life with someone...shouldn't be complicated. It shouldn't require you to have to twist yourself in knots. Unless...he's asking for something that you actually, don't want. Just be careful you're not trying to convince yourself into accepting something you actually don't want (eg: moving in together) thinking it'll make things better.

Also, as pp said, the relationship shouldn't be the CAUSE of your poor mental health. If it is, then that's an indication that its not healthy and not the right relationship for you.

If he suggested 2 weeks apart when you said you wanted to split...I dunno...I'd be wondering if he was genuinely a smothering sort. Like if someone says they want to split up with me, I'd respect their choice.

I mean if you said that you'd ve willing to take some space and THEN he suggested 2 weeks, fine (though imo 2 weeks isn't probably going to be long enough... think I'd ask for 6). But if you said you wanted to split up then him suggesting the short break is really kinda insulting isn't it? Like 'you don't know your own mind'.

It sounds to me as though being with him doesn’t give you enough space for basic self care.

Maybe a young single you would be a great match for a young single him but that’s not the situation. You with your children and your own health needs do not have time to prioritise what he needs. You are sensibly taking time to address that.

I mean tbf maybe you don't know your own mind right now. But we're used to seeing women on mumsnet in problematic relationships, tying themselves in knots in order to stay in them. Convinced that they themselves need to change in order to 'fix' things.

Often the partner has convinced them that they are crazy/cold/oversensitive/bad. And it's just not true.