Going through a hard time, BF not reacting as I would expect

[Katesblurryhand]

I’ve been officially divorced 3 years from an abusive marriage with 3 DC under 9yo. I have a new boyfriend who I have been seeing for around 1.5 years.

I am going through a lot at the moment. My mum is dying of dementia and I am her only carer, kids are being bullied at school and DC7 has pneumonia, and I have to move out of the flat I have been renting for years with the DC because the landlord is going through his own personal tragedy and wants to move in. I also work full time.

I am trying to find other places to live but I can’t - I do not pass the credit check (years of financial, physical and emotional abuse from exH meant that I was tied to his utility bills, council tax and rental references for years which had him listed as a violent tenant who did not pay, and me connected to him) and I cannot afford 6-12 months of rent upfront. I am looking further out to reduce costs (we are in south London.) On top of this I also have breast cancer which is causing me pain and I am under long waiting lists for treatment on the NHS.

on the plus side, it has surprised me how supportive my work and friends have been. They are in touch with me every day asking what’s happening and offering help with the DC and work . I am so grateful for that.

what’s bothering me is my BF. We have been in a relationship for 1.5 years and known each other for about 6 years. We don’t live together (because of the DC) but see each other 2-3 times a week, work permitting, met each other’s parents, go away together when we can, speak several times a day etc. we are serious and exclusive and have had chats about moving in together in the future when the DC are older, all instigated by him . Before all this happened to me, we had even had chats about getting a flat together sooner (like this year.)

anyway, since this whole series of unfortunate events started I have been left really disappointed at his reaction. He knows what is happening here as we speak every day. He understands the events, what has caused them and I feel (unless he hasn’t been listening to me) understands fully the situation I am in. I would say he is the closest person to me.

however compared to others his actions and words have really surprised me. He says things like “glad your friends are looking after you.” Or “oh no. That sounds terrible” and sends me a generic link to council services for finding accommodation. He sends me lots of generic motivational statements. He is very sympathetic in terms of talking through solutions and as I said we speak a lot - whatsapping throughout the day and speaking once a day - but they are solutions that he implies he will have no involvement in. I feel my situation is so bad and I am so stressed I cannot continue as normal. He is still expecting us to carry on as normal even though my world is falling down around me.

i have brought this up with him and we have argued about it. He gets very upset and insists that he has “never been more there” for someone in his life. He asks me to spell out very clearly what want him to do. He wants me to tell him exactly the actions I think he should take to help me.

i don’t know what to say to him. I have friends who are searching for flats for me, colleagues who are checking in, calling cancer doctors that they know and trying to get me some specialist appointments and second opinions. I have one person who has offered to lend me money or guarantee my rental payments if I can’t pass a credit check for a flat or can’t pay 6 months upfront.

But I want this to be him. Why isn’t he doing it? As the closest person to me it doesn’t make sense that it’s not him. He has plenty of money (I have both witnessed this - seen bank statements - and been told so by him.) And it’s not just money, it’s getting down in the detail of how he can help. Wanting to be there for me at my lowest. I don’t want to sound like a brat but if this happened to him I would be there for him in every way. If he was in hospital with cancer I would be camped outside, driving him to appointments.

am I being realistic? Am I being wrong to expect him to react in the “right” way without having to spell it out?

You can't force someone to behave in a certain way. It sounds like he's a solutions person, not an emotional one. Is he perhaps a bit autistic? Perhaps your BF feels that you are getting lots of support from other people and he's just trying to be sensitive and perhaps even give you space but is coming across as uncaring? Maybe he's unsure what to do and feels out of his depth. Can you talk to him about what you would like him to do? In the meantime, do continue to take up any offers of support from your family, friends and colleagues, as you need their support right now. Best of luck with your treatments. 💐

you realise who is really there when the chips are down. Honestly It sounds like hes not that into you. He sounds like my ex, i went through a hard time around christmas and my ‘boyfriend’ shown me exactly who he is and exactly what i mean to him. I dropped him like a bag of shit. Do you really think this guy is for your highest good? Is this the level and type of care from your partner that you are willing to accept going forward? I wish you the best i hope things improve for you xx

Unfortunately I agree, having also experienced a fairweather boyfriend who let me down badly. In the end it might be a shitty blessing in disguise. You can meet someone caring.

Very possible but also possible he doesn't care that much about anyone and is self-centred and selfish. Either way, the consequences are the same for you.

Yeah I'd dump him and move away if at all possible to a cheaper area.

You don't need relationship drama in your situation.

You’ve got a lot on your plate and the relationship seems to be adding to that with a lot of frustration and resentment rather than taking some things off that plate for you.

But, I also think you’re a little unreasonable in some of the support you’re expecting from your boyfriend.

A request from a boyfriend to be a guarantor for rent, or loan them money for 6 months rent upfront would get a flat ‘No’ from me. He’s been sensible suggesting council accommodation since you seem to be struggling to find a private rental you can afford.

A family member of mine who has cancer is quite frankly sick of the ‘helpful’ suggestions from people - “get a second opinion from this consultant”, “have you tried contacting x, y, z”, or in your example calling cancer doctors that they know - how many people know a cancer doctor who they can just call? Does your boyfriend know any? I doubt it. I don’t and I would be no help to you in meeting your expectations in this regard.

You’re stoically plodding on being the only carer for your mum. If she’s that bad is she not eligible for other carers to support you? You want him to (take time off work?) to be camped outside taking you to appointments, but then after that you’re heading off caring for your mum?

I think you should probably shelve this relationship because as I said it only seems to be causing resentment and frustration and that can’t be doing your mental or physical health any good.

I don’t think he’s able to provide the level of financial and practical support you expect.

i have brought this up with him and we have argued about it. He gets very upset and insists that he has “never been more there” for someone in his life.
well, this tells you a lot doesn't it. The most he is doing is making noises that he cares. No actions. But that is more than he has ever done for anyone else. He isnt someone you want in a relationship. He is a casual boyfriend. No future here. It has run its course.

He asks me to spell out very clearly what want him to do. He wants me to tell him exactly the actions I think he should take to help me.
He cannot see why you dont think this isnt good enough and he doesn't want to put the effort in.

In your shoes, OP, I'd forget about this man.
You need to focus your energies on your health and housing.
Best of luck.

Is he perhaps a bit autistic?

FFS the very first post!