Happier, calmer, more relaxed when DH isn't here

[WhatDoesThisMeanForUs]

My DH is away for 6 weeks setting up a new office abroad. He travels a bit with work although usually just for a day or two and since COVID it has generally been much less.

Anyway, I'm finding daily life SO much better when he's not here. We have 3 DC who are young - eldest is primary age and youngest is 18m. They are missing him and asking about him, but honestly I'm not missing him at all.

I feel like I have one less person to worry about and look after, one less person to nag to pick up shoes and put a plate in the kitchen. I'm know constantly on my DHs case when he's at home, which can't be fun for him but I feel permanently disappointed and frustrated by him not pulling his weight.

He is my best friend in many ways, clever and funny and gentle. We're on the same wavelength in a lot of ways. But I think I prefer living without him in the house. Or is it just because it's short term? I don't know.

Does anyone else feel like this when their partner is away and it turns out to be ok? I feel like I care for him and want him to be happy, but the idea of him coming back to the house (and into my bed) isn't something I relish.

I felt like this about all three of my husbands before finally realising I didn't want a husband. My life is so much sweeter on my own.

He doesn’t sound like an equal partner. It sounds like you have become “Mum” and he views you that way too.

I think you need to sit him down for a chat about pulling his weight and not letting you be the sole house manager.

Thank you.

I think the problem lies in that he considers himself to be equal/do as much as he should, and I don't.

To me, there's no difference at all in what I'm doing day to day whether he's here or not, except when he's not here I don't need to consider him, compromise, make allowances etc. If we're late it's on me (clue; we're not late when he's not here).

You need to be clearly communicating with him that you are feeling this way because of his lack of input to the family and the home.

if you ignore this issue you are just going to sink deeper into an unhappy marriage.

either leave or voice this clearly.

Honestly, this was the moment for me that the penny dropped with my ex husband. I prefer life without him in it. And years on, massively do. So much happier now.

Just to add another voice for this which is that me and many of my friends feel this way.

I don't think it always means you want to leave your husband. Having three young kids is a lot and it makes sense that removing an extra person with their own needs and movements in the home can make life easier. There's no one to resent if it feels like they're not pulling their weight. But being a single parent all the time is very different, and also kids grow up and you may not want your be alone later down the line.

Only you know where the needle falls for you. But just to say that I think this feeling is fairly normal. Maybe you could see if you can pin down any major issues and discuss with him, but otherwise just enjoy the breaks and enjoy what is easier and nicer when he is there too.

I felt like this with my ex. Note the ex.

I am of the opinion that some people are better living alone. I am one of them.

I struggled on for years with my grumpy depressed partner as I felt I should stay for my son . He eventually had a meltdown and forced us out . It was hard but we now have a good life and my son said he is so much happier .

If he's not pulling his weight I guess you feel like he's your fourth kid. Have a word with him if things not change it will only get worse.

I like living on my own, just mutually split up with my ex as we only spent weekends together and I appreciated the company but realised how much he annoyed me and couldn't live together.

But with kids involved it's different. I think the happiest relationships are couples living apart or when one works away. Or live in a big house where you can have separate living quarters, see each other occasionally!

For some people it's not easy living with other people especially if they don't pull their weight.

Thanks all. Food for thought.

I think a lot of men think of helping as "I've done an hour of stuff around the house, on top of my working day, now I want two hours to what I want before bed, that's reasonable, I've done enough". And that's a perfectly logical way to think (lots of people approach their jobs like that - it's it's not done by 5pm, well, bad luck it waits to tomorrow) BUT it doesn't work if there is in fact 4 hours worth of things that have to be done round the house and if he only does 1 hour you are then left doing 3 hours.

Quite a good idea to make a list and show him all the things that need to be done to explain this. It will also highlight if you may be falling into the trap many women fall into of having standards that are too high. Ie actually only 3 hours of stuff really needs to be done and you should do an hour and a half each.

I had that, I divorced him.

Or maybe she just need to chill out and relax.

I agree with the PP who said that just one less person in the house is easier. I sometimes worry that we both seem to manage much better when one of us is away and not sure what is wrong with our family system with all of us. I think though it is that we naturally approach things very differently so on our own we can just do things our way that work best for us. Probably quite a lot of it is communication as well and I keep thinking we should do a Fair Play style discussion and review of stuff. Sometimes I think it is just that there is a lot going on with small kids and hopefully will improve as they get older

But I think I prefer living without him in the house.

Maybe get a home office (with electricity) installed in the garden in his absence, and hope he takes to it?

I do remember thinking my H created more work around the house than he contributed. We split (not specifically because of his slobby habits, but he failing to pick up after himself was an indication that he had no respect for me). He did used to do DIY but I’ve actually discovered I have some skills in that area! Honestly, my home is more organised and cleaner without him 😂
You do need to have a think about whether this is just about having another body creating work in your home or a sign of underlying unhappiness.

Relax? Ah why didn't I think of that.

I mean, picking up after my husband and children, cooking and shopping for them all, doing all the life admin, working, being taken for granted, and compromising all the fucking time, is super duper relaxing.

I get you op. I often feel the same. My H would says he does his fair share but he absolutely does not. Once he's finished his paid job he expects to just sit and relax. Whereas of course I can't do that as otherwise there isn't clean clothes or food to eat.

What I do is refuse to do anything for him - so no washing or sorting stuff I just do me and DS and no longer give any headspace to his needs etc.

But probably worth a conversation although making the list will obviously fall to you as well!

See how you feel when he’s back. If your heart sinks, well maybe it really is telling you something about the state of your marriage and you both might need to work on making things feel more equal.

Sometimes I feel pretty excited when my dh is away - it’s just a feeling of freedom and not having to take him into account - makes a nice change!

But in reality I do want him around - and my kids want him around - and life is better with him than without him, even if occasionally I breathe a sigh of relief to get some respite from being in each other’s space all the time.

I think it's totally normal for time apart to be enjoyable for both parties. But it sounds like you're appreciating not having to deal with the negativity he brings to your life which is entirely different. I think a discussion needs to be had when he returns home - but make sure you're clear on your expectations and what you are seeking to change.

Yes there's nothing like them moving out and your life continuing but with less stress than before to make you realise they were just a man shaped burden. Softens the divorce envelope opening considerably.

I have been feeling similarly. DH goes away for work a few times a year and when he's gone everything seems easier. Mornings and bedtimes are less frought, everything runs to an easy schedule. I put it down to little inconsistencies between how we parent and function. Nowhere near enough to divorce over, but when it's just one of us, it's easier. He says the same - when I'm not there he finds it all smoother too - although he'll return to a clean house and I come back to a mess 🙃

not helpful but just wanted to say you’re not alone, I feel the same :/

Thanks for the further comments. It's clearly not an uncommon feeling! I feel quite sad about it but I'm definitely thinking through what the feelings mean.