unstable relation with girl

[littlekitten05]

hi, I need help because being really depressed today:(

I met a girl last year (I'm 18, she's 4 years older) and we instantly got along well, we could text for hours, we've had awesome time playing games, hanging out, talking, she seemed to be liking me and supporting me, I tried to return the same as much as I could. After few weeks we started to go dates and spend nights together, every time she became more open and wild, I did my best for her to have great fun with me, listened and learned her body to please her. Few weeks were awesome, she adored me, was enthusiastic about spending time together, for short time I was super happy and my personality improved, I could work more efficiently. She admitted I'm super fun in bed

after ~1 month of start, she said she has some "friend" but he doesn't mind us. Around month later she said that "friend" is afterall not ok with that and she's sorry, she stopped texting me. Few weeks later, she sharted again, saying she made a mistake, and she wants to talk with me again, every day. I was anxious but gradually got close with her again.

After another month, she gradually started to not feel sexual interests anymore, saying it's from stress on studies, and medications she was taking (after searching name, I know it was anti depressant), she was also mentioning therapy. I kept being good company while we still had time, and I said we don't need to spend time sexually, for no matter how long, I'll be with her when she wants to again. I was everyday texting and advising, helping with tasks on subjects I was good at, waiting for her to play games online once she was free. Examples of my texts

"if you have night of stress like 2(or 3)weeks ago I'll be happy to comfort you like I did back then"
"I want to be very nice for you during free days and turn your attention away from anything threatening your calmness, no specific idea yet, but working on it"
"fall asleep like you were living in clouds, high above lands"

she usually reacted just with heart or send simple answers like "that's so nice" etc. but our long and romantic conversations from earlier were gone. Most of days she said she's busy with studies, nights she would say she's going out with friends and then would text me she's drunk etc., I was anxious of letting her know my feelings, felt like being gradually rejected - there was never time for us, but there was no problem with parties with friends, and it was like our time became non-existent at all, not even few hours per 2 weeks when I really felt lonely or needed support before important day. I was for her for several months, and she seemed like not remembering it at all, like I was talking to totally different person than cute and passionate girl from august-october. Finally, yesterday, after she did not answer my texts for few days, I said that I've been waiting to just spend time with her for over month now, and I really want to do something fun for her and both of us, but it's impossible when she's just ignoring me like that. I've been very supporting and caring for her feelings, but at this point the whole relationship was non-existent because of her constantly busy or out with friends, and me waiting. And I added something like "try to be me, being attached to you, and now never able to even have small chat with you anymore", and... she deleted and blocked me from everywhere, just so, like we've never meant anything.

After ~2 weeks she unblocked and texted me again, saying that she had dream with me and she wants to have me which is scary because she never feels this way, I was anxious again but after some time I let her close again. We started to have fun playing games and occasionally erotic activities, although I was anxious that she never refered to us as couple, she called us something "fwb" and I tried to impress her, giving my true affection and attention. Next few weeks and she started changing again, texting less, not playing games with me, all the time "friends" and "parties", often saying she's tipsy, often stressed, not giving me any time anymore. After my another text which was left for whole day unanswered, I finally wrote that it's not ok the way she ignores most of content I write, and I actually have romantic feelings for her. After this, she stopped texting totally :( like I was never meaning anything, completely worthless. Everything we've been through, our nights together, seemed to be nothing for her, just so. Another 1.5 months she didn't text me at all, yesterday I wrote that afterall I wasn't meaning anything to her and what about our date that I sent her money for. She returned me said money, and said "stop being so bitter and live your life" which I appreciate but is also super sad that she didn't remember at all about date idea anymore. I can't understand those changes between her wanting me and being distant, but now it seems like she's gone for good :(

why girls have to be like that? I was truly devoted for her, either when we started, or for 1.5 months when she started to feel depressed, I did everything I could to maintain her good feeling and our relation, but how it's possible if she ceased all of our past forms of spending time? and when I eventually express that I'm a human with feelings aswell and I miss her heavily and this time I'm the one feeling down... she just blocks me. I'm sad, depressed, and need help of people from internet :(

I just don't know what to do, I'm afraid of being myself anymore. I don't know how to act, to not make people discouraged to me and leave me. Her abandoning me is a major damage for my personality, I doubt I'll be able to ever trust again :( this world is such an unfair place for romantic and affectionate boy who truly wants to be good for a girl :/

Sweetheart, you are too good for her. And at this age 4 years older woman is too old for you.
there are good girls out there who have a healthy personality and self esteem and will be looking for someone like you. And please don’t worry about being “dumped”. This is part of life and the process to fond someone. You will dump amd be dumped. Life goes on ❤️

I wanted to edit, but can't anymore. I'm on autism spectrum (asperger) and I thought it may matter for better understanding of my behaviour, please be kind and patient, I'm very lost in this world

"you're too good for her" hi, and thanks for kind word in above post... so I was being okay in this relation? I wish I could improve myself somehow...

so.. what do I do now :( I know for sure that I should rather avoid all contact with her, but the problem is she's member on same discord servers I'm in (likes same games) and every time I see her name it hurts

Always be yourself, because that is perfect for the right person. Can you block her online so you don't see her name?

It's not about just being there for someone, or saying the right words, or treating them in a certain way. You have to also have a spark, a connection. And this bit isn't logical.

If you have a good connection, a relationship will flow. If you don't, you can't force it or wish it to be there. And you might have a good connection at the start, but things can change.

You need to move on. It may feel awful now, but time really is a great healer.

Next time, if things start to cool.off, accept that it hasn't worked out and move on.

She hasn't abandoned you, it just didn't work out.

I wish I could block it in a way that won't show "blocked message" thing :/ or I'll still know she's there every time I check the channel, and I can't leave server because I often participate in real money prizes events in this game :(

yeah at the beginning it was outstanding and established very quickly, oscilating like sinus function several times with 3 weeks-1.5 months periods, now seem to have extinguished for good from her side, and her abandonment made me feel worthless. Your posts at least make me feel somewhat better. I can't understand why she kept pulling me toward her again, if in the end doing something like that, 3rd time hurted much more than 1st

@littlekitten05 You sound like a lovely caring person. I am sorry that this is a painful time for you.

You have said "I wish I could improve myself somehow". What I would say is that it sounds to me as though you are looking for someone you can support and they in turn can support you. The problem with this sort of outlook is that you can become codependent - you feel great when they are with you, and you feel needed when you support them, and you want them to support you when you need it. But this often leads to a push/pull dynamic which is painful.

It's really important to try to build a life where you are happy and fulfilled - with or without a partner. And then if the right person comes along, you can enjoy each other and have a healthy relationship - without too much "transaction" if that makes sense. You can still be loving and support each other - but without all the excessive expectation and need (if that makes sense).

I know it's so hard when you feel worthless and abandoned - but you are not, and I am sure you will meet the right person when the time is right. And honestly, the best thing to do is try to be fulfilled in your own life, so that when you do meet someone you will not be overly dependent on them for your happiness and sense of self worth.

@Cherryandlime ’s post is a good one, OP. You should concentrate on being happy in yourself, and in your next relationship (because you will get past this and date again), don’t invest so much so early. If you need support from other people about things that make you nervous, for instance, seek out a friend or family member, not a very new (and, it turns out, short-lived) girlfriend.

This woman sees you as a friend with benefits. She will continue to treat you like this if you let her.

Do you have any friends to support you?

Hey bud, that break up really stings, doesn't it? Especially when you're ND and none of what she does is making sense. This isn't a you problem, it's a one relationship hasn't worked out problem.

This will start to hurt less soon. It's likely it won't be your first broken heart.

hey, what is ND? thank you everyone for all support, it makes me somewhat feel better. It's bad, yeah, mostly that she kept repeating this behaviour, throwing me away, texting me again after weeks, over and over again. Now it seems like she's gone for good and doesn't care at all about my feelings, contradictory to the way I was for her.

@Cherryandlime "push/pull dynamic which is painful" if I'm giving a lot from myself, and hoping to also not be totally irrelevant for her, it can lead to push pull? yeah someone above is right, your post is nice, I feel a bit better seeing that I'm not as worthless as I was concluding from her behaviour. I'm kinda sweetheart, yeah, very affectionate, positively childish, naive, idealistic. In romantic relationship with girl, I love the same way my parents or grandparents are for me. Everything for girl, even all day support and hanging out if she needs, like I did the weekend she was feeling anxious and needed comfort. She was just as passionate about us aswell, when we had to go sleep she would say "it's hard to let you go for the night" and 2 weeks later she was like a different person.

I'd love a new girlfriend, then I would ditch all those memories and start over. However in my state it's super rare to meet a girl I can get along with. They rarely appreciate personality and care mostly about status. I'm very romantic, not suitable for this world. She knew I'm autistic and occasionally was supporting, but over few days could change to utterly indifferent which I was seeing in texts. I once said that I'll do whatever it takes to comfort her while hard times, but it's not possible to entertain her in any way if she just ignores my texts and we almost don't hang out anymore.

I somewhat do have friends, mostly gaming related, but I don't share my romantic issues with them. They look up to me because I'm one of top players in said game, and in front of them I pretend to be strong, while inside I'm a mess. "You and me... we used to be together, every day together, always..." lyrics of song

At my school I don't have much social interactions, like expected from autistic boy :) I'm respected as skilled in physics (participating in high grade contests), and that's it, if I talk to someone it's nothing from more personal areas. I mostly have my parents to talk with, and now, I'm happy to have reached website in which I'm getting nice answers.

You’re heading into misogynist territory in your most recent post, OP, with the ‘girls only care about status’ and you being ‘too romantic for this world’. I think you need to acknowledge that you contributed to what happened with your ex — you say you approached that relationship in the same way your parents and grandparents feel about you, if I’m reading your post correctly? Respectfully, this is not a good way of approaching romantic relationships — your parents and grandparents have known and loved you all your life. It’s completely different to a brand-new romantic relationship, which is about both parties seeing if they suit. You’ll overwhelm most new potential girlfriends with that level of expectation.

I thought I was good for her, I tried my best :( at some point no matter what I was doing, it was only getting worse. And I can't think of any reason why she was the first to reduce contact and become indifferent toward me after all that. Multiple times, back and forth, for few weeks she would say I'm very fun and she loves to be naughty with me, and then indifference again, especially if I tried to ask for spenging more time together like we used to. If I resigned, another few weeks later she texted and wanted to play games and spend night together again. If she didn't like the way I was (attachment mix of secure and anxious, very loyal) then why she was saying that she wants to own me, or initiate dates herself after few weeks breaks. I feel sad and used.

Sadly yes my experiences are like that, not only mine, but also stuff I keep hearing from my male friends. Infatuate someone and when reaching it, discard ruthlessly like they never mattered. I don't wanna be misogynist, I just wanna have stable and lasting relationship, like people in last century used to. And I don't feel like I'm a bad person. I very often see girls posting about their boyfriends or mentioning bad XX century marriages, and it's so sad to see that such people have lasting affairs. Me, never angry, never violent, never making bad jokes or laughing at girl, supporting, advising, helping studying (I did spent a lot of time explaining her physics from her college - my level allowed me for that), comforting during stress, making fun dates, caring in bed and learning to be better in pleasing and knowing what she likes. I don't feel like it's misogynia, that's rather the opposite. And well I will try to hold on to thoughts that for someone else it won't be just few weeks of playing with me and then leaving like all the nights we shared, all the conversations we had, were meaning nothing :(