What would you do?

[ArtfulDawn]

Hi this is my first post here and I'm hoping the community will have some good perspectives for me to consider.

I'm trying to work out: should I stay or should I go?

My partner and I have a nearly 3yo DC. Together for nearly 6 years, engaged and yet to be married.

Early years in the relationship were incredible and expected things to continue after DC arrived. But it's gone downhill since then - 2 main issues - money and communication.

On the money side I've always been the big earner, while he's on minimum wage. Never bothered me before - I always said to myself I didn't want to judge his position and love him for who is as a person. But I feel like things have "got real" since having children and I admit to a lot of naievety around marriage and family in this regard.

Original plan was for me to return to work after 9-12 months maternity - self funded as I'm self employed. So he would be the parent at home. He backed out of that arrangement and we have been juggling since.

He's a shift worker so I'm juggling childcare around his schedule but I'm the main consistent parent planning it all. It means it's super difficult for me to work (I'm self employed) and I'm managing a few days a week. For context we have no family in this country so childcare help isn't available regularly outside nursery.

The majority of my savings were used on maternity and now juggling part time work the majority of my income simply pays for child care and a bit left over.

We are renting and I would love to plan our future. I want our DC to have a garden so we would need to move further out from the city but he's feeling stuck. Convinced there's little work for him else where and it's lower paid. There's no extra money from his side anyway to contribute to a mortgage. All conversations on this topic go no where. I suspect he's feeling inadequate as a man expected to provide now.

I'm researching schools, areas, considering best options but it's all one sided. We need to register our DC for reception by September so there's a time limit on this but it's all on me. He knows this yet there no input proactively and he tends to shut down when I bring it up.

Communication is terrible. We used to fight and resolve things well but he's shut down as things got worse in our relationship + with English as his second language so much seems to get lost in translation during arguments and heated discussions.

I'm feeling like the usual unseen mother load of burden we all take on is present + majority financial responsibility for our future as a family + a really dysfunctional relationship where we can't even talk about our future. I HATE feeling stuck - I really do just want to make a better life for our family.

Now Im metaphorically banging my head against a wall as I feel like I've tried everything just to open up a discussion and rationally plan our future as a family together. To the point of suggesting relationship counselling to figure out how we can talk to each other and relate better but he's not up for it.

What I would love is to be able to have a partner I can talk to, plan our future together, dream a little and contribute financially in a way that doesn't make it feel it's mostly on me.

What would you do to move forward? Im considering getting some counselling or therapy for myself to navigate this but im also conscious I've done so much inner work to even get to this place at some point it's got to also come from the other side.

Thanks for reading!

If he is on minimum wage already then a different job is not going to pay less.

I expect most men would feel emasculated in the scenario …. But you’ve got to go with what you’ve got … so can he change his type of job?
Can you talk about future plans without it all revolving around money ? You may always be the higher earner - there is nothing wrong with that - one of you will be !
Don’t focus all conversations on money - talk about your shared dreams and hopes - then figure out the realities of getting there together as a team . You sound resentful that you are the bigger earner . I wonder why you feel he should be the higher earner instead of you ?

Some counselling for support (as you said) for the purpose of navigating this situation, might be useful. You sound very brave OP and have a lot of clarity. I wish you well.

Thanks for the reply.

Yes you're right - I should mention we're in London so outside the city he's convinced he will get less with London weighting taken off. I have also suggested on multiple occasions that expenses are lower and it balances out but he doesn't believe me / want to do research to see how much expenses actually are.

I'm comfortable being the higher earner but I guess it's brought home the fact that without my earnings we don't have enough for minimum family expenses - it's about a 20/80 split. So it feels like alot of responsibility.

Over the years we have had endless conversations of other occupations. I offered to pay and support while he refrained but he's not sure what else he would do. He's open to other jobs on a level transfer in same industry but says benefits aren't as good as current employer. So without him able/wanting to leave that job we are bound to London (I can work from anywhere). Which means property prices are very high for a bigger property with a garden.

I guess the real issue here is the inability to communicate this. It's been going on for so long now I just don't know how else to open it up.

It's also worth mentioning he had a referral at one point for therapy via the GP as he was depressed after our dC arrived so I am also concerned about his emotional well-being but when the referral eventually came through he turned it down. If someone doesn't want to help themselves what can you do? 🤷‍♀️

Thank you 🙏

I’m a few years further down the line than you. I can’t tell you whether your relationship can improve, but I do know that resentment is hard to shift, and I do know that divorce will cost you everything you are trying to build up. Please don’t marry.

I agree with counselling to help with communication and expectations if you think you have somethingworth saving. But ask yourself this, if you are the main earner, the main child carer, the main life administrator, what is he adding to the relationship? From what you have written it seems as though he is bringing you down, mentally, emotionally and physically. Added to that he is refusing to take responsibility for his own health. Honestly, you might limp along for a couple of more years but unless he has a massive change in personality I doubt your future will be any better than what you have now. Decide what you want your future to look like, work out how to make it happen and go for it, let any baggage weighing you down be left behind.

I agree with @AutumnFroglets.

To add, he sounds like a real man child. I could not deal with having to deal with him, he sounds absolutely exhausting. I wouldn't bother going to counselling with him. More wasted energy expenditure. Is there anything he can manage to do?! How unappealing.

Honestly, I'd rethink the relationship. It doesn't sound healthy. It sounds as though he's critical, won't seek help for his mental health, won't do anything to try to make the future brighter and doesn't communicate unless it's in a negative way.

Are you sure you want to stay with him? And please don't say he's a great dad. He's not prioritising anyone but himself.

Thanks for your perspective you're confirming my suspicions deep down. We are certainly in no place to seal the deal.

Part of me keeps thinking back to the way it was and wondering if we can rekindle it, and part of me thinks if children were not involved I would have already been out of there. Ky hesitation is mainly around salvaging the family in tact but it's something i can't do unless he's also committed to finding a way forward.

My main hesitation is around breaking the family up. But part of me also thinks we could rebuild a wonderful life without him - imagine it would be bloody hard, but doable. I think I need to push conversations harder to get clarity on whether there's possibility of a turn around. And if he's willing to help himself.

As it stands I don't want to stay. He is great with things like helping around the house and being with our daughter when he's not on shifts but the planning, the future considerations and what I feel is the "adulting" side is very one sided.

In a way it's understandable that the 'adulting' is left to you if he is from abroad and not familiar with how things work. But. It's been a while so reasons must be wearing thin. It's difficult to be on the same wavelength with someone who doesn't want to engage and discuss things.

If you can do your job anywhere, could you move near family who might help with childcare? Also paid childcare has got to be much cheaper elsewhere than London, as for housing...
He's reneged on the plan, doesn't want to be a father. Clearly he is the cause of your money troubles. You would be better off without him. He sounds quite pathetic, would rather do a minimum wage job than look after his own child - I'd find that a turnoff.

@ArtfulDawn "What I would love is to be able to have a partner I can talk to, plan our future together, dream a little and contribute financially in a way that doesn't make it feel it's mostly on me."

Then you need to leave this man and find a man like the one you want. You sound really sensible and adult and you and your child will be absolutely fine without this deadbeat in your life.

The reality is that you ignored all of the warning signs. It’s easy to do early on and you can be blinded by all the fun and sex but he’s been this person since day 1 if you’re honest with yourself.

People don’t change unless they want to. So you have a make or break talk and decide what you want to do, but this is who he is - unambitious, not willing to support you and your child and unreliable.

For me this would have zero legs.

Part of me keeps thinking back to the way it was and wondering if we can rekindle it,
That is where counselling comes in. If you go into it with your eyes wide open you should be able to tell how committed he is at repairing your relationship reasonably quickly. How long ago was it "good", and was that before pregnancy?

and part of me thinks if children were not involved I would have already been out of there. Ky hesitation is mainly around salvaging the family in tact
I can not understand why people keep saying they don't want to break up the family unit. The unit is already broken. What is better for a child to experience - two unhappy parents living together, or two happy parents living apart?

I'm 17 years into a similar set of issues, financial and communication. We've settled into a housemates relationship, sleeping separately, me taking responsibility for all earnings and most parenting. After literally dozens of attempts to forge an equal partnership, I've pretty much given up in the face of his paralysis and terrified stonewalling. The ball is completely in my court and so far I've chosen not to break up the family unit, because the kids love him, and having a live-in co-parent and companion is better than losing everything I've worked for and not having the kids with me full time. But this only works because he's so undemanding, and because I'm consciously choosing acceptance over resentment.

If you don't want this to be your future - I don't recommend it - then don't get married or have any more DC with him, and get counselling for yourself. Good luck, OP.