Crappy birthday gift from mother

[Feelingalittleused]

Hi everyone - I commented this as a comment in my other thread re my user brother but I actually wanted to make another thread as I’m so upset and want some support/advice.

my mother and brother can be very financially moochy - she is very entitled and expects a lot despite being comfortable herself (doesn’t have to work due to rental income, bank rolls 36 year old brother). DH and I have more money so there’s huge expectation on us to always pay and it’s taken for granted.

for my birthday she got me a jacket which, as it turns out, was 30£ on eBay. It had labels on it pretending to be worth 10 x the amount and she has left those on it.

it’s not about the monetary value, it’s about the value she places on me and how much she spends on my brother per week in comparison/how much DH and I do for her and spend on her. It’s about her just buying some random crappy item off the internet rather than just a simple bouquet of flowers or even a book I would like.

i just feel very sad and insulted.

Jacket is not even my size

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5010068-what-would-you-do-about-this-user-brother?page=1

this was previous thread, for context

Sorry about that op, sounds really crappy of her.
Could you call her out on it? What would her response be?

I messaged her to say it’s not actually my size so could we swap it for my size please and she just ignored the message. It’s awkward as it’s a situation where basically I would be painted as the arsehole if I called her out on it. I just can’t get over the fact that she took my brother out for dinner last night, as she does several times a week, and would have spent 4 x that amount on just his food and drink. Again it’s not about the money it’s just the value and the effort and feeling that the relationship is so unbalanced. As ever I got her a very thoughtful and generous Mother’s Day gift. I basically just want to say to her no more gifts between us but I would like her to know why.

Post the jacket back to her and tell her and him to Fuck Off?

They are never going to change. All you can do is change YOUR reaction.

I would be sorely tempted to send the jacket back to her with a note saying it’s the wrong size, and suggest that if she wants to gift clothes in future you should go shopping for something together.

A boundary you can enforce now is to never buy her a Mother’s Day gift ever again.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and you are the scapegoat for them and their inherent ills. Your mother is likely to be a narcissist and your brother is the golden child here, a role not without price either but he is unaware of this.

People like your mother cannot do relationships and also truly crap gift givers to boot because they don’t know anything about you or what you’d like. This jacket was bought deliberately as a jab at you.

Where’s your dad here, I ask only as he is not mentioned.

Drop the rope these people hold out to you and reduce contact going forward to zero sum. I would also suggest you read and post on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Dad is not around. I’ve posted years ago about family dynamic and you were extremely helpful then @AttilaTheMeerkat - I appreciate it.

although it seems I don’t have boundaries I have put up a lot of them and done better in the intervening years. I guess with this specific incident I wanted confirmation from others that my feelings were valid. I am going to be very clear with my mother that we are not doing gifts moving forward!

Glad I was helpful to you back then too.

Your feelings were valid then and they remain so now. Your mother wants you to believe that your feelings are not valid and that you do not matter. You matter!!!. I would also keep your kids well away from both she and your brother going forward.

You will need to withstand the full force of her rages/weeping on command if you do confront her.

I would drop the rope entirely here and reduce all contact levels going forward to zero sum.

You’ve received the Special Training from your mother to put her own needs first with your own dead last. She’s also encouraged you not to have or to install boundaries. No wonder therefore you are struggling now, she further installed the fear, obligation and guilt buttons in you and those need to be gone.

I am basically worried about push back where she feeds me a yarn I can’t disprove eg “this is a brand you liked I was trying to do something nice and I can’t believe you’re so ungrateful”. I just know in my gut that’s not what happened. At Christmas I said I didn’t want gifts and wasn’t doing gifts and she kicked off and said she wanted gifts (she is hugely materialistic / if it’s not harrods etc she’s not happy and if something isn’t to her liking has 0 issue saying so. Which his how I know this is such a big slight from her).

I will absolutely reduce contact even more/ I can’t go totally NC as I have several family members it would impact but we never do anything just us 2 anymore anyway and certainly I will make sure I work to lower my own expectations/lower my own output levels too to avoid this type of crap.

Your mother is also not above gaslighting you either, that is a clear example of her doing this in your initial sentence.

You may find that lower contact leads ultimately to no contact. Why would you going no contact impact these several family members?. They can and should look after themselves. Would your mother then use them as flying monkeys sent in by her to do her bidding?. Where have they been also when your mother has started on you?. Have they been supportive or dismissive of you because they do not want to be her target themselves?.

I am basically worried about push back where she feeds me a yarn I can’t disprove eg “this is a brand you liked I was trying to do something nice and I can’t believe you’re so ungrateful”.

This is your internal narrative, the ‘voice’ you hear in your head which you’ve been conditioned to hear.

Forget the shopping trip - but I would return the jacket with a ‘thanks but this is not for me’ note. Then it’s her problem.

[when I was in my teens/student my mum used to buy me stuff to wear that I didn’t like and made me look stupid and I wish I’d had the courage to tell her. I just felt guilty and wore the damned things out of guilt].

@Darker you ate absolutely right, that’s exactly what’s in my head.

would you both bother saying to her about changing th jacket to make it clear you knew what she had done, or would you say nothing and just not get her presents moving forward? Second option is easier is part of why I am minded to push myself to have the difficult conversation and do #1 despite the unpleasant situation it creates

Personally I wouldn’t say anything now because there is a risk that any dialogue will be attached to this specific incident and it will be hard to broaden it out.

Just to answer this - we all live pretty close together and therefore many family group activities take place and people want us both there. One brother has been on the end of her alcoholic abuse for years but is financially dependent on her so has to put up with it. They have an extremely codependent and toxic dynamic. Another brother was the golden child but in recent times has experienced some of the same behaviour so his perspective is changing a bit. He’s more open to what I’m saying now / previously I would be been completely dismissed and they were always her flying monkeys.

Going completely no contact is the nuclear option.

I am completely estranged from my brother and very low contact with a few people in the wider family. I have learned that I cannot be around them, unless for a very short time. But this is a drastic measure. I would not recommend it to others lightly.

I would also stop buying her gifts. She can't have it both ways, buying you crap gifts while demanding you buy her expensive ones. you have to hold your boundaries to earn your own respect.

I’ve basically said to her today that I had an excruciating experience speaking to the shop re the jacket, and that going forward I don’t think we should get each other gifts. No response.

im never buying her a gift again and I don’t want one either!

That was an inspired move op, well done. Sly people like your mother need to be responded to with equal slyness. Glad your eyes are now open and you won't be taking any more nonsense from your family.

Yeh its not nice. Ours mean we get nothing..! I dont make a fuss of her now. They dont change.