I guess I'm looking for some external opinions on a long term turbulent relationship with my mother.
Mum is a complicated person. Her parenting style is in align with the 'narcissistic mother' mn thread a few months ago. She still refers to 'our GSCE's' as she helped me study in 2003, has played my sister and I against each other for decades to the point we basically don't speak (I have a different dad after an affair. As a result my sister believes my birth resulted in her 'losing her mother', and has made me feel guilty for existing for most of my life). Mum has consistently made derogatory comments about my appearance which effected my self esteem and the way I dress/do my hair until I recently had therapy. She's called me disloyal, expressed surprise when friends of mine have complimented me in her presence and has been the type of person to share a photos of a stranger on our group chat to be mean about their hair. She seems to consistently be a person who believes that if she insults you you'll try harder. Like she's doing you a favour. Her mother was very similar.
However, she also has a number of good traits. She's funny and good company, an excellent conversationalist. She is generous with her time, money and possessions (not just with me, don't mean that to sound grabby, but with friends, other family members, partners, neighbours etc). I hear from friends of hers that she says nothing but good things about me to them. She's always offering to come and help with my children (we live rather far apart from one another so she only sees my children once a year or so unless she's invited to stay) and was a huge help to my sister in the last 30 years of her being a parent. She can go above and beyond to be a good host when we visit. She never misses a phone call from me or a video call with my kids. When we speak on the phone she has a way of enticing all my inner thoughts out and I feel so much lighter afterwards (though there have been many times this information has been later used against me and I never seem to learn my lesson). She's stood by my siblings and their children through some really tough times and is fiercely loyal to those she loves. She's thoughtful when she's on good form and I believe that she has tried her best both as a mother and a grandmother, with the life that she led and the role models she had. Just sometimes her nature, upbringing, the world she was born into etc mean that she's a very harsh critic and can be toxic, then following a toxic episode she has this period where she's wonderfully loving and kind.
We're currently in a period of loveliness. This week she's told me I'm a good mum, says she loves our chats, suggested I purchase a red coat because 'the cheery colour reflects my personality'. She was so grateful and humble that I'd asked her opinion that I felt bad that I don't do it more often and guilty for holding her at arms length from my family. But I'm so weary. Previously I'd have lapped it up, felt like I'd done something to be worthy of the praise and believed it all willingly. But this time, idk, I feel tired and distrusting. As I say I've had therapy recently, and the last time she turned on me it was a bloody empowering moment where I realised it was all her about her and not about me in the slightest. This moment where I finally realised it's how I see myself which counts not how she sees me, wow. I still have lots of wobbly moments where I think horrid things about myself, and feel guilty for not being a better person. But in that moment I felt 10,000ft tall. Sadly alongside the empowering moment of not believing her toxic words, I now also seem to be disenfranchised with the positive words too. Like the foundations of our entire relationship are shaken and I don't know where to go from here.
I've kept her at arms length from my children (5 and 2). We video call but she doesn't see them in person often. She's offered to have them to stay to give us a break but I wouldn't let her have them alone (she lives about 5 hours away) so I can be there to undo anything she might say which could cause them undue harm (thinking about the number of comments about my appearance etc). However it recently struck me that my nan and my mother had an abysmal relationship. Practically abusive. But I didn't discover any of this until my nan passed away. To me my nan was one of my favourite people on the planet. Though again, complicated and toxic at times. So now I'm feeling like I'm stealing something from my children by keeping their grandmother at arms length. Multi-generational relationships can be so important, and she's the only grandparent we have in the UK.
Wow this post got long. If you got this far well done you.
I guess my question is, how do I deal with this relationship going forward? Should I make more effort for the sake of my kids (and me to a certain degree, I'm happier than I have ever been now that I have a positive, stable household with a husband and children who love me and friends who see the good in me), or am I doing right in keeping her at a distance? I'd love there to be a magical way for me/us to enjoy the good bits and ignore the bad bits? Maybe the answer is more therapy.
Any insights or opinions welcome.