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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Narc ex trying to hoover...... doing my best not to respond

12 replies

Homebaby · 10/03/2024 20:50

In short, ex from 2 years ago has never really left me alone. I ended the relationship and had a torrid time after when suffering a miscarriage with a pregnancy I didn't know about until after I'd told him it was over.
I've had messages occasionally over the last few years and haven't responded, he's blocked on all communications with read receipts etc so it's only on text that he can access me (and he doesn't know he can) I have kept it this way as I feel safer knowing if he's "around". Last week he created a new fb profile, liked a picture of mine that is public and sent me a message. I immediately blocked him without responding. Since then I've had text after text and calls to the point I've now blocked his number completely though I can still see his calls on my log and texts in my blocked messages. There's nothing threatening in the messages, all of them just asking me to at least reply (which I know is all he wants) and saying that we need to start again and he's sorry for everything.
He was my first experience of a narcissist so I fell for it hook line and sinker, knowing what I know now it was typical, love bombing, future faking, devaluing etc. Unfortunately for him I clocked on so we never got to the discard stage.
The point of this post is that although I know he wants a reply, that it would feed him, I'm struggling so much with not responding. I want to tell him there's no chance of him ever starting again with me and that I know he's full of shit but I also know that will give him what he's looking for, a reply!
If I stay quiet will he go away? Has anyone had any experience doing this and do they ever leave you alone?

OP posts:
RoberttPostesChild · 10/03/2024 20:54

Stay strong. Don't give him an 'in'. Don't give him anything. He is desperate so at his most dangerous. You have done so well, keep doing it.

Grimchmas · 10/03/2024 21:02

Stay completely quiet. And please do reconsider blocking him on text - what benefit is there to you knowing he is sniffing around?

Homebaby · 10/03/2024 21:07

@RoberttPostesChild thank you, I've been so determined not to play his game but this latest attempt has floored me a bit. And I am slightly worried that I'm antagonising him and that it would be easier to reply than not for my own safety, even if just to keep him at bay for the time being. It's so hard.

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Homebaby · 10/03/2024 21:14

@Grimchmas it's really so I know where his head is at and if he might be around. I live alone and sometimes work unsociable hours so if I'm coming home late I can be more aware if you know what I mean. He has form for violence and drugs (which I didn't know until after we got together) and that bothers me.
He is blocked now although I find myself checking blocked messages etc more than I would like.

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Smidge001 · 10/03/2024 21:14

Came on here for the old style mumsnet jokes. But it seems to be a vacuum.

DrunkenElephant · 10/03/2024 21:16

Why the fuck would you want to get back involved with a violent, drug addicted narc?!

Block him, and if you feel unsafe contact the police. You would be an absolute fool to reply to him and you know it.

Homebaby · 10/03/2024 21:17

@Smidge001 give me henry over this prick any day 😂

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Whyworrynow · 10/03/2024 21:21

Sounds like your ex may be my ex?!? Still haven't blocked him as I'm afraid.

Homebaby · 10/03/2024 21:34

@DrunkenElephant I don't want to get involved with him again and I won't. And yes I would be a fool but I'm trying to keep myself safe in the best way I can.
The police won't do anything, he's not being threatening in any way. He's just there being all nice and remorseful but I, he and anyone who's met someone like this knows that's not the full picture.

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Homebaby · 10/03/2024 21:46

@Whyworrynow it's horrible isn't it. I hate that they have the ability to make us feel like this.
I personally had no issue blocking mine, it's more that after he realised I'd done that the messages ramped up.
I hope you're at least safe and yours gets gone asap 💐

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TwylaSands · 10/03/2024 21:52

Homebaby · 10/03/2024 21:34

@DrunkenElephant I don't want to get involved with him again and I won't. And yes I would be a fool but I'm trying to keep myself safe in the best way I can.
The police won't do anything, he's not being threatening in any way. He's just there being all nice and remorseful but I, he and anyone who's met someone like this knows that's not the full picture.

Im nit sure it isnt worth speaking to the police. It is sustained harassment. The police should know men like this are unstable by now.

Homebaby · 10/03/2024 22:02

@TwylaSands thank you. I may well do that, I nearly did the other evening but as there's no threats I didn't think they'd take any notice. With his record they might at least mark my number or address though, I'd feel safer even just with that.

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