A Mother’s Day thread for those of us who have difficult relationships with our mothers

[Notallmothersareequal]

Thread title says it all really… Feel free to post if your relationship is not a ‘Hallmark card’ one. Or maybe you’ve broken the cycle and need to share how you ARE a great mum whose kids love you.

My Mother died a year ago pretty much to the day. This is the first day I’ve felt absolutely free to spend Mother’s Day free of guilt and how I want. She was a narcissist who tormented me from an early age and I would spend hours scouring shops for a card that had no words beyond ‘Happy Mother’s day’ - something I did to keep the peace and also because it’s what you do Isn’t it? My own Mother’s Day card from my DD today is everything I could hope for, heartfelt and from someone who knows me for who I am, faults and all. I’ve raised a beautiful caring child who is safe, loved and secure in the knowledge she can tell me anything with no judgement. The absolute opposite of my own relationship with my Mother.

So here’s to the survivors of shitty childhoods everywhere who find this day difficult, there are more of us than you might think ❤️

Congratulations on breaking the generational cycles and creating a positive, loving relationship with your child. That's a genuinely huge thing.

I didn't want children because the mothers I know (sister, mother, maternal grandmother) all showed such toxic traits at times that honestly I thought I would suck at it. When I discovered I was 4 months pregnant with DS I cried and cried for this little person who I felt sure deserved a better life than he would get with me. But then I discovered I'm actually pretty good at this mum lark so we decided to have another baby. This one was a girl, which brought on a whole new set of concerns because in all fairness it's mums and daughters who suck in my family. But we're almost 3 years down the line and I have nothing but love and awe for these little humans I created. We're raising them to be balanced and fair but also confident in themselves and their abilities. I'm never going to tell them they're not pretty enough, or make them think that the way they wear their hair is more important than the person they are and the actions they take. At the same time, there are some incredible traits which I do hope they inherit from my mothers side....grit, generosity, the ability to be spontaneous, wit, tenacity. It's a complicated business being human sometimes! You sound like a goodun, and your daughter too. Brava!

I've had a lovely day with my kids then we all had dinner with my mum this evening. I'm so down now and have just been really arsey with my DH because I find it so overwhelming and draining. My daughter is 2.5 and I'm convinced I'm going to mess it up.
Snapped at my DH that he hadn't taken a picture of me with the kids today (or very often in general). I barely have any pics with my mum and I don't know why it upsets me so much.
I tried to explain how I was feeling to him and all he can say is that I've had a lovely day and he's right, I have. I'm trying to explain this isn't about me and my kids but me and my mum. Not sure if that makes any sense.
Hate the day.

I went NC with my mother 6 months ago, so this is also my first year of not having to find a card that omits reference to everything your mother has done for you.

My own teens have bought me favourite chocolates and written lovely messages in cards.

It's also the day my mother has chosen to get in contact (left message on answerphone which is the only thing she's not blocked on) to "discuss things" after not caring for the last 6 months, so I have somewhat conflicting emotions.

@Beansandneedles choosing not to have kids is a trait of children of narcissists. Well done you for giving it your best, but most of all, being self-aware, something our mothers absolutely were not.

@Ellovera2 i was you in my twenties. Couldn’t quite put my finger on why spending any time with my mother made me feel like this. I think having kids unlocks quite a lot of repressed memories. Be kind to yourself, and be the mother you wanted and needed for your kids. You’ve got this 💪🏻

I reluctantly saw my mum today.
She made comments about my weight as usual and mainly talked about my brother and how wonderful he is. Always favours my husband and brother over me, my son over my daughter, my nephew over my niece.
I've only realised over recent years how toxic she can be.

I am a vetran of finding mother day cards that dont say 'wonderful mum' or gush on etc. One nice side effect of having my own kids who I actually have a good relationship with is they see and feel her unfairnesses themselves - they aren't used to being blamed for everything and they see how she is to me. Its tremendously validating.. makes the visits bearable.

Yes I agree with this. My mum will go on about how my wonderful my husband is because he goes to exercise classes early in the morning. My son will say "so does Mum!".
I've refused to go for lunch Easter Sunday when my brother and family are down which is causing problems. Will still see them but I'm not dealing with the stress of lunch on Easter Sunday. My kids would rather be at home as well and prefer my cooking!

Hope everyone is ok. I feel like I'm on a come-down today, so drained and sad. My mum and dad split up when I was young and I have no relationship with him either so just feel like I have no parents sometimes. Not normally one to feel sorry for myself but Mother's day gets me!
My mum hates my husband, absolutely sees him as the one who took me away from her. Yesterday she was crying as she hadn't been made a big enough fuss of. I messaged her, got a present, my kids made cards for her and we went there for dinner. My younger sister went nc in the last year and she was crying about that to. Absolutely sick of it all. I think I need to start seeing her less again.
Thankful for the normality of Monday!

It’s a tragedy that as a daughter I’ve been so hurt by my mother that I can’t have any sort of relationship with her, yet somehow I’m the bad guy and she’s the poor victim.
spent years looking for cards that didn’t say ‘best mum in the world’ etc
mammy myself now and my kids seem happy enough with me ha thankfully!
Didnt see mother or acknowledge day with her yesterday- seeing as she told me to psss off and slammed a door in my face last time I visited her home, I kind of think I’m off the hook now 😂

@Ellovera2 keep going. You know her behaviour is not normal.
@ScottishShortie wait for the inevitable contact trying to drag you back into her manufactured drama 🙄 Great that you’ve managed to create a normal relationship with your own kids, it is the greatest achievement to break the cycle.
@MrsDandelion having your own loved ones see what you see is so validating isn’t it?
@Ihavetoomuchtodo oh yes, the omission of praise for you. Been there, worn that t shirt!

@Notallmothersareequal aah you sound like me - I look closely at cards to make sure they're not full of fake sentiment which isn't true. Also get trauma having to see her.

I expect I'll feel sadness and relief when she dies.

Same here . How I manage mine is not to tell her anything, just need to know stuff . I just let her talk about herself and other people.

@KrushedIvy ahh the grey rock technique. I could’ve won the Nobel prize and she wouldn’t know about it as she would’ve been wanging on about the woman at number 40 who had beef with the woman at number 44. 😂 Suited me just fine.

@SheepAndSword I cried at the funeral because I mourned everything I had missed for my whole life. My efforts have gone into making my own relationship with DD functional. I can share with you that the relief is immense after death. I have so much peace.

big hugs to everyone on here, keep buggering on!

@Notallmothersareequal your relationship with your daughter is lovely.

@Ihavetoomuchtodo same here, the man is always venerated and the woman is inferior. It's so infuriating!! I buy her something, she thanks my brother. It's like I'm the silent servant in the background.

She's a bit obsessed with looks/appearances as well so when I see her it's all 'oh your handbag/scarf is nice' 'you look pretty' ad nauseum whilst I'm bored to tears and smile tight lipped.

Last thing I have to do for my mother is house clearance then I'm through. There isn't anything to salvage at this point.

Actually it feels quite good to have a 'bitch' about it as we're force-fed the idea that mothers are perfect, some aren't.

It was my first Mother's Day after going NC with mine a couple of months ago. I thought I would feel guilty for not sending a card but I actually didn't, I just felt nothing. It's slightly different for me I think as I always thought I had a brilliant mum but recent events have shown her in an entirely new light and now my whole childhood feels like a lie. I'm struggling with that but not with the loss of her specifically, what she did was unforgivable and I don't want someone like that in mine or DD's life.

Thank you. Yes its all about appearances but also money and status with your job. Which I couldn't care less about. But my brothers important well paid job is the aim in life apparently.
Incredibly damaged and insecure person due to her own childhood.

My DM is also slightly obsessed about looks and how everything has to look and appear fine even when it's not. I remember once being very poorly and when she visited I looked like death warmed up, instead of saying "oh honey you look so tired let me make you a hot drink", it was "oh you look lovely!"... erm I genuinely look like I live inside a bin but ok?!

To anyone else reading that probably just thinks she's trying to be kind but it's very grating after many many years of it.

One Christmas my youngest DC was so poorly and it was a bit of a write-off. All DM kept saying FOR MONTHS was "oh no we had such a lovely time". It's okay for Christmas to be shitty sometimes!

Gaaaa.

How do we deal with mothers who haven't specifically done anything wrong ie drugs/alcohol etc but you just clash in all the wrong ways? My DM drives me up the wall, but at Christmas she described us as "very close"! I nearly fell over.

Following for all this hard won wisdom.

@LancashireSquirrel it's not a compliment as such, it's just the way she communicates! Meaningless platitude after platitude. I know when I look like death warmed up as well!

No drugs/alcohol on her part just viciousness, bitchiness and violence for the main part. She couldn't understand why I screamed and ran when she brandished a knife at my face, apparently this was 'showmanship'. She wouldn't dare do that to my brother, he would have punched her

oh god the platitudes/terminating clichés. Hurting my head brushing my hair - "pride must abide", being a hormonal mess growing up "it's hard growing up". Well yes it's even harder when you live with two warring , emotionally immature parents, have to be your mothers therapist (I'd kill myself if it wasn't for you was one classic line when i was very small) and listen to her saying completely inappropriate things when she's drunk.

I'm late to this and my DM is long dead thank god but I was NC with her for years. Not that she ever took the hint.

I tried for years to do mother's day with her. Whatever I did wasn't good enough. She would cast aside gifts, rip up cards after the day itself, moan about the lack of choice at restaurants and never, ever thanked me.

So I just did my own mother's day with my DS.

If you all can try not to do it anymore.

Shared this with one of my friends who really gets it, sadly , from experience.