Angry with EXH and OW

[DreamyJasmine]

I currently have a thread ongoing in Legal regarding a financial order between my EXH and me.

However, I am realising I am so bloody pissed off and my emotions are clouding any reasonable judgement in moving forward with having to split assets.

I need a place to rant and hear from others who may have been in similar situations.
My EXH left just over a year ago. Initial and unexpected conversations were about him saying we are more friends than a married couple, we do not have sex (I am going through menopause) post DC3 I lost my libido and we do not have the same connection or similar interests.

It turns out that just before he left the family home, he had been having an affair with a woman 13 years younger than me... (I have spent some time online looking her up which I am ashamed to admit and of course, she looks young and carefree and shared EXH passion) I gave him so much, time, love and support with his interests and financially supported him with many ventures.

As I start to face the financial order it is stirring up everything I experienced.

I am so angry he did this to me and our 3DC.

So sorry you are going through this. You will get through it, hopefully by getting the anger out of your system over time, then feeling free.

Does the OW have children or is she likely to want more? He will have his work cut out if so. I cannot imagine having to go through creating a 2nd family.
Was he right though about being friends only? You say your libido went post 3 DC's and its gone now due to menopause, was it back in between, or was there a gap of years? It could explain how things have gone tbf.
It sounds like you've supported him lots, and you should definitely get financial recompence for your efforts, but regardless, as can be seen on these boards, most partners don't want to be in a sexless relationship. If he's lying, and it wasn't, and he's rewriting history, I'm not surprised you're angry, but if he has a point, it would be wise to look into what could be done about your libido.

It’s better that you’re going in to this angry and fired-up. Better that than weak and broken. Game on, go for everything you possibly can and make his life a misery in the process. The OW will want children and 5 years down the line you’ll be over the divorce and rebuilding your life and he’ll be potty training and dealing with non-stop Peppa Pig.

I'm sorry you are going through this. What a horrible shock and a terrible betrayal.
Whether you were having problems with your libido post kids or through the menopause that doesn't excuse your partner looking elsewhere and having an affair. A mature adult would have had a conversation with you and either tried to work things out or been honest about wanting more from the relationship.
So I think you are right to feel angry and hurt about the way he has treated you, particularly if you have been a supportive partner over the years.
Use your anger to help you move forward. If this is how he behaves and treats you when the chips are down then this is not someone to grow old with.
Good luck to you and your children. You will get through this xx

OW has 1 DC and I know EXH does a lot for the DC (days out, hugs, bedtimes) as my DC have said how close their Dad is to the child.

I do not know if he will have any more. He seems devastatingly happy in a WhatsApp photo of them both which I have to see every time I send a message. Not often but still a massive kick.

Sex was not very often but I never believed he had a serious issue with it until he was getting ready to pack his bags.

Not sure how to navigate my DC playing 2nd family now with their Dad and watching him start again.
I thought we had it all...

Sex is always an issue. I'm not saying he isn't a pig and a coward for the way he ended it but I feel like withholding sex (for any reason, even a very good one) is a form of abuse within a marriage and usually is a sign that the marriage has flatlined. Perhaps use one of those parenting apps to contact him so you don't have to see his pictures and try your best to make peace with the end of your marriage instead of focusing on what he is doing now. Easier said than done but if you can have 4 kids you can do anything. Good luck.

Block their social media accounts.

Focus on getting the best legal help you can afford.

Try and do little things to please you. Go out with friends, date if you fancy it. Just get out there and try to enjoy your life again.

Totally agree sex is a big issue in a marriage and it beggars belief that many a wife/husband who's spouse leaves them or has an affair seem surprised. In a survey I read on line somewhere, 90% of people who had affairs cited lack of or no sex at home as the primary reason.

Concentrate OP on moving on. He is her problem now. You deserve better and as suggested just rise above and use a parenting app. Don't beat yourself up for looking her up on social media. That is a natural thing to do tbh in your position.

It's obviously distressing for your marriage to end and for you to see your dh happy but as others have said, most people who have a libido can't live without sex.

Sadly many people, and it is mainly women, fail to take this seriously and feel their partner should just accept a sexless marriage if they don't want sex any longer.

Ideally this could have been Addressed earlier and maybe you could have found ways to boost your libido but failing that, there really wasn't much chance of any other outcome

Excuse me? Someone not wanting sex is abuse? Nobody has to have sex, married or not! Marriage isn't about sex. Christ on a bike. Can't believe what truly dangerously abusive stuff I've just read. Sex isn't a right. It isn't a need. And it certainly snt something that anyone should be forced to give under the threat of a marriage breaking. If you want sexual gratification, and your partner doesn't, masturbate. Don't go and have sex with someone else when you're in a monogamous relationship! Can people really not live without Sex?! Life is about so much more.

Christ some of these replies are so victim blaming. Sure sex is a significant issue in most marriages but he should have discussed this with his wife and not looked elsewhere. If sex was the deciding factor, he should have left the marriage without having an affair!
OP I've been where you are (despite having a healthy sex life) and it's bloody hard to move on and not feel outraged at the unfair treatment. You're now in a position that you didn't choose. Time does lessen the wounds. The parenting app is a good idea and block the social media profiles. I faked being happy and confident post separation and divorce and one day I realised I actually was ok. It's hard to put a smile on your face for the children but I promise you it does get easier. Make a list of things you like doing and find calming and make these a priority at the moment. Whether it last with your ex and the OW wont matter in the long run, it's a relationship built on lies and deceit which you definitely do not want any part of.

Withholding sex to manipulate someone would be abusive, but are you honestly saying you believe a person is abusive if they don't force themselves to have sex they dont want in a relationship? You sound like my XH never mind the fact he was abusing me and l was terrified, Im apparently abusive now for not having sex with him. I even forced myself to have sex I didn't want to try and fix thing a few times and all it did was make me feel completely worthless, but good to know Im abusive for not having sex with my abuser.

I was in your position many years ago-but the exH still had sex with me regularly. And the OW. Grim. Both my children were under 3. I was blindsided and had no clue anything was going on until the very end. I still feel angry to this day - not for me but for my kids, as we also, seemingly, 'had it all'. His behaviour over the £ was despicable. Although I was distraught at the time, I'm a fighter deep down, and with family support I used my anger to fight him tooth and nail. He is an extremely intelligent narcissist (think barrister), who actually enjoys altercation.
I look back now and thank God he is somebody else's problem. Yes he's cheated on OW. I also found evidence he'd had dalliances in Amsterdam. She's still hanging on in there but is financially trapped. I'm grateful for one thing - that they've not married or had kids, therefore my children's inheritance is hopefully not affected (he's way too wise to sign on the dotted line again and lose half his wealth a second time), I'm also relieved he hasn't hopped from one partner to another, as he has zero emotional intelligence and could have potentially damaged the kids by doing this. He has also looked after the children financially bought their love but I'm happy they have had nice things and have always made sure they know how 'lucky' they are. I remember my brilliant solicitor saying that one day the children would realise exactly what he is like. (I doubted he'd let his false 'perfect dad' personality slip. It took many years but eventually he did gaslight my daughter and she's no longer fooled).
I've eventually been able to share with my kids what went on, omitting the worst bits (keeping it from them and having to co-parent was almost impossible for me emotionally, but I did it), and surprise surprise - they are both not at all shocked by it. I feel sad that I can't say what a wonderful dad they have, or big him up in any kind of way, make little fun, loving observations etc.. like my family did with my dad, but hey, i am damned proud of how I've handled it and how they turned out. I've got two very well balanced children who have exceeded in academia, a wonderful second husband who they have a great relationship with, and a step sister we all adore. I also retrained and created my dream life, to a point, and am still living it. I was never materialistic and had enough to be comfortable. In the end, and the best part is I am now mentally free and can do what I want, when I want as I'm financially independent on no one.
I know I suffer from PTSD because of the things he put me through, but I can deal with it. Last laugh - he's now wanting to be my friend, as he realised he's going to have to cope with performing at my daughters wedding, in front of a whole load of people he knows hate him. I almost feel sorry for him, but not quite!
You WILL survive this. X

Your angry will only harm you and your kids. It's best not to focus on him and his relationship. It may not last.

Might be better to have some therapy as you are clearly traumatised. It's not your fault. With time it will get easier.

Cheating is never justified. Don’t dare do that to this woman. If he was unhappy living “as friends@ he could have made his feelings clear, or gone for a normal divorce. Cheating when you have a family is just cowardly and selfish and causes exquisite and unnecessary pain.

@dontbesillyofcourse

Sex isn't a right. It isn't a need.

Depends if you think affection is a need or a want.

Many people couldn't like without affection. Same with sex.

Can we stop blaming the OP for her exH's bad behaviour? As another poster said, not having sex is not a reason or an excuse to look outside of the marriage for it!
If you have a problem, discuss it, try to find a way to make it work or own up and end the relationship in a calm, mature way.
OP - you will get through this but it is tough. Focus on your kids and putting them first and try your best to put a brave face on it. Many of us have been there and have survived. You will too xx

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Made my morning.

Can't believe so many people suggesting what he did was understandable because he wasn't getting his end away enough.

The solution there is to TALK to your wife. Not to go out and shag someone else.

You're better off without the lying scumbag.

He was definitely wrong to have an affair, I don’t think anyone can genuinely say he was justified in having an affair. I’m sure they’d all agree he should have spoken to you before having an affair, said that he found you’ve become friends and the lack of sex was key to that. Men do tend to equate sex with feeling loved so I guess he felt unloved and someone else comes along and his head is turned. Sadly happens often. I’d try and limit your contact with him, horrible to have to sex the photo on his what’s app.

I feel your anger.
My exH cheated even though he got sex on tap at home, had little to do in terms of managing the household, had his own business and I was out to work full time paying most of the monthly household expenses. To add insult to injury he was emotionally and physically abusive. I had to leave marital home as he would not.
We have just been working through the process of financials for divorce before Xmas and because of my NHS pension, and the fact his business has not been taken into consideration for the settlement, I have to pay him off for the privilege of being treated like crap.
It really sucks when you put a great deal of your life into supporting and encouraging someone and building a family and home together.
On top of that, if they had managed to come to you and talk to you about any issues they had in the marriage rather than "she came on to me" let their dick fall inside someone else, perhaps the outcome would be very different.
We have been separated nearly 8 years now and both have new partners. Only working on finances now has been bringing up crappy memories, but for the sake of our kids we are both happier and they ( to some degree due to 50/50 split and being on the move all the time.... but that's another matter) are much more settled and happier than they were.
Time passes and helps with the feelings, but your feelings are valid and you are allowed to feel angry/sad/ whatever. Just don't let those feelings eat you up inside.
I'm just glad that I don't actually have to live with him any more and hope that he does not treat his new partner the way that he treated me.
I want to be an example to my kids that if they are not happy they need to advocate for themselves and make the choices and decisions they need to, to ensure that they lead fulfilled and happy lives.
I don't let how I feel about their father affect this. They don't need that drama.
Look after yourself. Use your anger to keep the momentum going in terms of getting things sorted, but don't let it eat you up inside. Sending hugs x

"withholding sex (for any reason, even a very good one) is a form of abuse within a marriage"

What utter, horrific crap. You are saying unless a spouse submits to being raped by their partner, THEY are an abuser. Utter horrific crap. Go back to the sixteenth century where you belong.