Has your partner been unfaithful? Are you still together?

[Abstractthinking]

DH cheated on me. I think it is more than the relationship i found out about. But anyway...

I like my life. I love our family unit. If we split up i'd have to move to a smaller (much shittier in fact) place. Children would have to move school. Finanicially it would be a disaster for everyone. Especially the kids.

Practically it is sensible for us to stay together. But also I like him. We have been together for over 20 years. He still fancies me, which means a lot to me. We have fun. Also did i contribute (ish - if you see what i mean)? I certainly went off sex for years.

But I am in a constant flux of whether to finish it or not. Here (MN) has influenced me hugely. Have self-respect, LTB, etc. But I can't believe I am the only one who actually wants to stay with someone who has been a complete wanker.

So, my question: who has stayed with someone who cheated on them?

Yes I stayed and yes we're still together, and happy.

It is though hard work to get through, but I'm so pleased we're still together.

There is a book by Shirley Glass which I'd highly recommend - really resonated with me.
The survivinginfidelity.com website is great, proper realnstories.

We'd been together 30 years, had a nice lifestyle and a happy marriage - I thought it was worth saving.

I think you'll find most MN is all LTB, but there are alternatives, and if you both want it, it can work.

@Abstractthinking
Plenty of people stay in marriages after affairs in real life.
MN would have you believe that no one does, or shouldn’t.
MN also would have you believe that if one spouse stops sex - the other needs to just accept it and bottle it up. Or blow up their children’s lives.

Look up Ester Perell - she is a psychologist counselling couples after infidelity - for many years. She doesn’t justify affairs - but she does get people to think about what leads to them and how a couple can rebuild - if they choose to. Get ‘The State of an Affair’…

If you don’t want to leave - don’t. At least don’t yet. You still have something left in the relationship - and yes - as a spouse who went off sex - you did contribute to what happened. But - it may be the wake up call you two needed.
You can always leave at any time. But at least you’d have tried…

No personal experience but are you happy to turn a blind eye if he’s getting it elsewhere so you can maintain the lifestyle you enjoy? Sounds like it is so fair enough.

How did you find out and is the affair over? Few people are happy being celibate in a marriage unless it’s by open mutual agreement. If you don’t mind him sleeping with other people you’re not losing anything by staying.

To add, to avoid any confusion...when I stayed it was one brief affair and conditional on no contact and if it happened again there would be no way back.

One of my bfs cheated on me with my sister - I ended things straight away. Ewww. I no longer speak to her for what it's worth.

Another cheated on me with a one night stand from a bar he went to - again I ended it.

I don't appreciate being lied to and having my health compromised by seedy little men who aren't able, or mature enough, to keep their dick in their pants and talk through their problems with their partners.

I do know people that have stayed with partners though. I would say the majority do. No idea why. In all the cases I've seen the trust goes completely and it's rare it comes back. The women spend their lives looking over their partner's shoulders all the time and in a state of paranoia.

As an example: A male best friend of mine had an affair with a work colleague (not me! he's like my dad at this point so grim and no thanks!) and his wife found out. 25 years later they're still very much together. There's no trust though. She needs to know where he is every minute of the day, every day, 365 days a year. She's even face timed him at work and demands he spends all his breaks and lunch hour with her via zoom or meets up with her. It's almost impossible for him to have friends.

Obviously that's very extreme example of what can happen but the way I see it you either forgive and move on properly or you don't a split up. Don't sit there wasting your life or worrying about whether or not they'd do it again.

Also did i contribute (ish - if you see what i mean)? I certainly went off sex for years.

Why was that? Was it because you were absolutely knackered and he did little to help? Did resentment play a part in why you weren't interested in sex? Did he come to you and say that your marriage needed work and he was unhappy with the state of your relationship? Or did he just choose to have an affair because it was easier than having to work at things?

He still fancies me, which means a lot to me.

Him respecting you should mean more.

Counselling can help, it doesn't suit everyone but I often recommend it in these situations. Can you trust him? That's the big question. If it's going to impact your mental health/make you anxious in future than I think it's best to walk away.

Over 80% of couples are divorced 5 years after an affair discovery.

personally couldn’t have a relationship without trust and respect. But each to their own.

I've stayed with my husband. He had a ons 11 years ago. It was really hard at the time and it does take around the estimated 2 years to feel better. If I think about it now, it doesn't really hurt and I'm happy were still togetherness. BUT my advice to anyone would be leave. You can heal and feel so much better when your over it. Staying together means never entirely getting over it, it's always a cloud over the relationship and if I had a time machine, I would make a different choice next time. All the best whatever you decide x

*together

I stayed. 25 years together, 4 children. We had a good sexlife, happy family unit. He swore his undying love for me etcetera. 1 year later he was at it again. I sadly ended us immediately, he was shocked, gutted for a few months but a year on lives with her. Good riddance I say 😃

Hi, My wife cheated on me or some say micro-cheating, sexting with a celebrity for over a year. I discovered it and she admitted it. We have been married 22 years, so I suggested we open the relationship.

Interestingly it improved our communication and sex within our relationship enormously, They are still sexting and will very probably hook up soon.

I initially wasn't interested in using the open relationship myself as I still love her and am satisfied with our sex. But I've started recently to get curious and explore dating myself.

@Abstractthinking if you don’t mind sharing… did you stay? How are things now?

May I ask If you would open the marriage?

I understand that you have gone off sex, you seem to get on otherwise and separation would leave all of you worse off, and he hasn’t gone off sex. Would an open marriage be a solution? Then it seems that everyone have their needs met?

AFM no. I just left him. But it’s a diffrent story. He had gone off sex in the marriage AND he cheated. I didn’t have sex for 4 years. Plus we didn’t have kids. I m glad I left him. I have been so happy since then and made up for all sex activity lost 😄