DDs father, not sure what to do about his comments..

[FlyingFleetwood]

DD is 5, she has only until recently has contact centre contact with her dad for most of her childhood. The court decided to progress her contact slowly and eventually it will lead to EOW and half the holidays.

DD is currently having 4 hours of day contact with her father with my father acting as a supervisor and third party.

It is worthy to note that DDs father is a violent abuser who domestically abused me and her until we fled. We've been in court proceedings for the entirety of her life since leaving.

DD is fiercely attached to me and I know I'm that little girls world as she is me. Our bond is so utterly beautiful and unbreakable... she does also love her father and enjoys her time with him and I will say he does create a lot of fun for her during their time together.

DD is on her fourth session of the progressed contact.... after each session she's returned telling me the same thing.. it is also important to note DD always tells me the truth, when she's done something naughty at school, when she's broken something, when someone's said something to her at school... so I have every reason to believe her.

DD tells me her father keeps telling her not to call me "my mummy". She's returned from contact this week telling me she called me my mummy and he got annoyed at her and told her to stop it and she cried..

I told DD she can call me anything she likes and asked her how she felt when daddy said that. She said it made her feel sad and that's what she wants to continue calling me. I told her she doesn't have to listen to comments like that and thanked her for telling me.

Her father is jealous. Jealous of the bond we have and that she can't switch off from me when she's with him. I have no doubt in my mind he will make every effort to alienate her from me, I can't see that happening as she's completely attached to me, but its frightening to think he would say these things to a 5 year old and I can't even imagine how it makes her feel, like she's done something wrong.

Please give me some guidance how to tackle this as I don't want DD to feel she's in-between us.

Keep a diary is my advice. Won't someone be deciding if the supervised contact is going OK and ask you for feedback?

I can understand your anxiety if your ex-partner has made this comment several times to your DD and especially if she has been upset by it.

If your father is supervising the contact, he should therefore have heard this conversation. Did your father receive any training or guidance in how to carry out his role? Part of the supervisor’s job is to intervene if the conversation is inappropriate and this comment would probably fall into that category.

Is social services involved? If so, report the comments to them. It would be helpful if your father put in writing what he overheard. You could also ask your solicitor to take action.

If neither of these options applies, get in touch with the manager of the contact centre and ask for advice.

You should have a clear route to report any concerns so that your daughter is protected as far as possible during contact. You should also be clear about when it is appropriate for your father to intervene and what options are open to him. Good luck in resolving this difficult situation.

Not sure if I haven't made it clear but we've moved away from the contact centre now. DD has contact in the community with him with my dad attending until it goes to unsupervised.

My DD told me they did a certain activity this week which her grandad had to sit in the gallery and watch so therefore he wouldn't have heard. DD is telling me what her dad is saying to her out of earshot of my dad.

I’m not a social worker but have worked closely in this sector so have some knowledge. I’d go back to your father’s role in supervising the contact wherever it takes place. As far as I’m aware, the supervisor should be able to see and hear at all times. Therefore your father should have said that the activity where he had to sit away from your daughter couldn’t go ahead.

The most important issue here is your DD’s welfare. You and your father need clarification on when he should intervene. Unfortunately where a parent is manipulative, they will organise situations to be alone with their child and this needs to be anticipated and managed.

This is a really tough situation for you and you’re relying on your father to keep your daughter safe, so talking to him about it and knowing what he should do is essential. He also should know what action to take if he does intervene and the father refuses to do what is asked of him.

Although it seems complicated, this is a very common situation and your social worker or solicitor will be able to guide you. Maybe someone working currently in this sector could add more? Best wishes.