Am I expecting too much?

[damnedtruth]

So. A year ago I had twins, delivered at 35 weeks via C-section. The months preceding the birth were hard AF, and the birth itself was traumatic. I had an anaesthetist who could not place the epidural/spinal block and attempted it 13 times with various needles. It took him 50 minutes. I was put on ‘laughing gas’ to calm me which did the opposite and gave me a panic attack which no one noticed. And I felt the whole C-section, birth and being stitched back up. I believe that the anaethetist never placed the epidural/spinal and went ahead to pump full of morphine because I heart the monitors go crazy, my vision became blurry and my reaction and response time became comically slow. My pupils are also fully blow and black in the one available video clip, where you can also hear my speech being slurred and my movements being strange and slow.

so why post in relationships? You see, I picked a support person who would advocate for my needs, wishes and generally just say something if stupid shit was being done to me. This person was my husband. And he did not speak up, step up or did anything else for that matter while the anaesthetist was stabbing me with varying sizes of needles, or pumped me full of f*ck knows what, or when the gynae cut me open and I said it hurts, i feel it.

In fact, he left me in theatre to be sown up while he went to find out whats happening with our boys and whether they need NICU time, etc. I was alone. In pain. Drugged. And alone. My support person left me.

At our first alone moment I told him all of this and asked why he never said anything, stopped them, insisted on them putting me fully under as was in our birth plan and he said he should’ve. So blasé about what happened to me and his part in it. I got a half hearted apology that sounded something like ‘i’m sorry. I did the best that i could at the time’.

i insisted he contact lawyers about medical malpractice etc, which he did after weeks of my moaning and asking him to do. I had half a recollection about the whole event due to being drugged, but he was there. At least if nothing happened, set me straight. But he didn't do that.

for a year i have been sitting alone with this trauma, fear of doctors and hospitals, and hating my husband. I asked him just now what is happening with the medical lawyer and he said he got busy with work and the kids. Am I crazy? Am I not a priority?

How are your babies?

Never mind the babies, it is the OP who is really struggling with trauma.

It is a central question to the whole situation, particularly legally, and the situation the father was in at the time. I looked into taking action about something that happened during the birth of one of mine. I spoke to the solicitor and decided not to take it any further, as the baby was fine, so firstly, nothing had gone so wrong that he had been damaged, and secondly, there were no substantial grounds for going forward.

How the babies are is a crucial question

This sounds awful OP.
I’m so sorry it happened to you.
Your husband did let you down. You are not going mad. He also should have done a lot more since to make this up to you.

Likely this is because he didn’t understand what was going on and assumed the medical professionals did. And lack of ‘wanting to make a fuss’ and ‘it all worked out ok’ attitude that some people have.

You must both be very busy with twins. What do you need from your husband do you think to be able to forgive him and move on? Can you get some help with babysitters and take some time together to get some counselling and to get legal advice/push the claim forward?

What are you looking for from the medical people involved? Apologies? Reassurance that they have put changes in place and a list of what these are? Compensation? It is worrying that they have an anaesthetist so incompetent. At the very least I would want reassurance from the hospital that if they messed up placing the epidural or couldn’t place it for other reasons, that they don’t leave a patient being able to feel the operation and unable to communicate this clearly. It really sounds awful and I can totally understand why you’re struggling. They all let you down.

💐

Yes, important, but the mental health of the OP was my immediate concern.

For your own peace of mind I think you should follow up official channels and maybe even look into solicitor help. I'm assuming your DH has a non-medical background and so perhaps your anger towards him is misplaced and could be damaging to your relationship. He was there for emotional support to you, but you can't expect him to be in a position to challenge medical decisions that were made at the time.
It sounds like there was a whole lot of medical mismanagement going on. I'd advise you to make a formal complaint via PALS at the hospital. You will also need counselling for the trauma, if you cannot afford this it could be made as part of a settlement that the hospital may well have to offer you for their part in this.
DDon't suffer quietly and seethe at your DH, he was in a difficult position and may not realise the damage at present, however he will come to if it all comes out officially.
My epidural didn't work properly, and when a spinal block was attempted through the same site, that didn't work either ( this was post baby). So the anaesthetist did the right thing and gave me a GA, as should happen. It was never your DH's job to question the anaesthetist. Now, it's for you to get the situation fully investigated, not only to potentially prevent an incompetent anaesthetist from traumatising other women, but also to gain full recognition that what the hospital put you through was unacceptable. A medical negligence solicitor should be able to tell you if you have a strong case, which by your description, you do.

Oh and it's not just about the anaesthetist, the surgeon is just as responsible in assessing that pain is controlled before taking action and there is a whole team of people around who are all medically trained and can question what's going on. If nobody in the team spoke up and challenged it, there is something wrong with their system of working as a team and you can't expect your DH to override it when their own staff hadn't.
I advise you to write down your memories around it, if you haven't already, so you can work out the sequence of events from your POV and are able to then tell PALS, where to look for evidence.

Can you contact the hospital initially, they should be able to get your notes and give you a debrief, and potentially signpost you for any help you may need, mentally and physically.

Realistically what will getting legal advice do for you? Think very carefully about the pros and cons. You don't want to go down a long and painful road of reliving everything only to have it dismissed, so think about your mental health first and foremost, and prepare yourself for either outcome. Speak to someone, give through it all and ask for the realistic chances of getting somewhere with a claim.

I know you're angry at your husband, but the situation was new to him too, he would have been getting medical information from the doctors, they would have been reassuring him it was normal, it would have been scary and overwhelming for him, obviously nothing like on the level it was for you, but scary all the same. And I don't think you can blame him for heading out to check the babies were doing OK really. That said, he shouldn't be dismissive of your feelings now, and it does sound like he's just hoping it goes away.

Maybe it would be helpful to have him at the debrief, so he can understand exactly what was normal and not and how you're feeling.

I'm sorry this happened to you op, it sounds terrifying, and your feelings are absolutely valid. I hope that you find a way to get some peace about the whole situation 💐

That’s disgusting! So they can treat a woman horrifically according to your solicitor, and it doesn’t matter as long as the baby is ok? Nothing has gone wrong as long as the baby isn't hurt, the woman is discarded? Fucking hell, it’s barbaric.

I've read all of the follow ups to this question and none of them make it alright.

"At least the babies are ok" is the biggest load of damaging nonsense.

OP, I would really recommend you look into PTSD therapy, I had EMDR for birth trauma and it helps.

What happened to you isn't alright, and how you feel is completely valid.