Opinions please?

LizHertz2 · 2024-03-10T13:25:17+00:00

I've been dating someone for a couple of months. It's been going really well. We've spent a lot of time together and both have opened up a lot about our lives. He's been honest, as far as I can tell, about some of his dating history. So the other day, he told me he'd been messaging a woman he used to sleep with, he called her his fuck buddy. He said that she mentioned some negative things about me. I was quite taken back and confused by all this. He then went on to show me their conversations. He was telling her lots of personal things about me and she was essentially warning him off me. He is due a large inheritance soon and seems well off. She was warning him about my intentions. I have taken a huge step back after this. I explained through messages to him, how this all seemed really inappropriate. And how I felt like he'd broken some trust between us. And also why he was still keeping in touch with someone he had sex with whilst saying we were in a relationship now. He has apologised and says he understands completely where I'm coming from. Says it was poor judgement and he just overshared without considering the circumstances. He says he is not perfect. Previous to this, he has been extremely kind, affectionate, genuine and keen to see me. I'm not sure I can move past this, but I also have form for running away when things get tough.

citrinetrilogy · 10/03/2024 13:29

Good grief. He actually discussed you with someone else, told them personal information about you and then showed you the messages??!!

You need to ask yourself what he is trying to achieve by doing that. It goes well beyond poor judgement, doesn't it? He has basically told you that his friend thinks you are gold-digger.

Waittobeconnected · 10/03/2024 13:32

Why would he do that? I’d be very wary tbh.

Duckduckgoes · 10/03/2024 13:34

I guess the one upside is that at least he isn't hiding things? I would be so hurt if my bf was discussing me like that with anyone but especially an old fling. I think taking a step back to assess is a good idea. This is a major red flag. Is he testing you? Playing games to see what you will put up with? Trying to make you 'prove' you aren't a gold-digger by putting up with selfish behaviour?

Original poster

LizHertz2 · 10/03/2024 13:36

citrinetrilogy · 10/03/2024 13:29

Good grief. He actually discussed you with someone else, told them personal information about you and then showed you the messages??!!

You need to ask yourself what he is trying to achieve by doing that. It goes well beyond poor judgement, doesn't it? He has basically told you that his friend thinks you are gold-digger.

Those were the exact words he used when he started the conversation with me! He said it in a jokey way. I sort of laughed at the start but when he then showed me the messages, they were really really intense. He said along the lines of, look how crazy she is, type of thing. But I found the whole thing just disrespectful. I asked if he agreed with her and he said absolutely not. Feels really weird. I have a good job, I am independent, I am not money oriented at all. I'm happy for anyone that has wealth, its just not something I think makes anyone any better than anyone else. I couldn't care less as long as a partner could provide fir themselves and had good money sense. I did say that it felt like he didn't know me and was talking these things out with her and showing me to open the money/ inheritance discussion. Gross.

OP posts:

HelpMeUnpickThis · 10/03/2024 13:38

Nah.

Your update makes this worse.

Nah.
Poor boundaries.
Over involved ex.
Disrespectful.
Thoughtless.

No.
Wave him off - horrible behaviour.

Original poster

LizHertz2 · 10/03/2024 13:39

Duckduckgoes · 10/03/2024 13:34

I guess the one upside is that at least he isn't hiding things? I would be so hurt if my bf was discussing me like that with anyone but especially an old fling. I think taking a step back to assess is a good idea. This is a major red flag. Is he testing you? Playing games to see what you will put up with? Trying to make you 'prove' you aren't a gold-digger by putting up with selfish behaviour?

My thoughts exactly. The showing me all the messages was so confusing.....being so honest about being such a dick?

I understand how someone might give someone that kind of advice. We don't know each other very long and it would be wise to make sure a partner is with you for the right reasons, especially when due an large inheritance. I felt really degraded to be honest.

OP posts:

Idontjetwashthefucker · 10/03/2024 13:50

Fuck him off, you've only been seeing him a couple of months...no loss

citrinetrilogy · 10/03/2024 13:51

Trouble is, what he'll think now is that you are a gold-digger either way.

If you stay with him it's because of the money.
If you dump him it's because you got found out.

In any case, he overstepped the mark by discussing you with this person behind your back. That would be the deal-breaker for me.

Ilovelurchers · 10/03/2024 13:58

I think people do discuss new partners with their friends, especially early in a relationship.

And in some cases those friends will be negative/wary, or at least council caution.

For example, my friend is messaging a new guy currently and feeling positive and I said to her just today, just be careful because nobody is perfect.

In his case it's unfortunate that his friend is a woman he previously shagged, but that does happen sometimes - it's not the main thing.

What I literally cannot comprehend is how the fuck he ever thought it was acceptable on any level to show you the messages. How could that be anything but hurtful, degrading and paranoia-inducing?

And unless he has an excellent explanation for why he did this, and apologises profusely, I would definitely bin him off......

Original poster

LizHertz2 · 10/03/2024 14:13

Ilovelurchers · 10/03/2024 13:58

I think people do discuss new partners with their friends, especially early in a relationship.

And in some cases those friends will be negative/wary, or at least council caution.

For example, my friend is messaging a new guy currently and feeling positive and I said to her just today, just be careful because nobody is perfect.

In his case it's unfortunate that his friend is a woman he previously shagged, but that does happen sometimes - it's not the main thing.

What I literally cannot comprehend is how the fuck he ever thought it was acceptable on any level to show you the messages. How could that be anything but hurtful, degrading and paranoia-inducing?

And unless he has an excellent explanation for why he did this, and apologises profusely, I would definitely bin him off......

I do understand the talking it out with someone part. I have talked him through with one of my close friends. A problem I have, is that he doesn't rate her as a friend. Or so he says. It was hurtful to see that she knew things about me that I'd told him in confidence. I do have trust issues. It felt like a huge misjudgement on his part. And yes, now I'm quite paranoid.

He is very very sorry. He explained that he doesnt have a lot of peole he can talk to and took the opportunity to indulge himself. He showed me as he never considered how it might look to me. Is what he says. He thought we'd both laugh it off about how crazy her opinions were. He did however thank her for looking out for him in the messages. I think he thought he was just sharing it with me. Poor boundaries is the innocent explanation maybe.
He understands why it's hurt.

.

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 10/03/2024 14:17

Just because hes honest doesn't mean he has the best intentions. He just wants you to be jealous and women fighting over him...he knows this inheritance might attract some that are interested in his money...but hes playing you OP. Mind games.
Get rid

Daisytigermay · 10/03/2024 14:36

His intention here by telling you was to make you jealous in my opinion I was seeing someone like this and he would tell me things such as, he saw someone he went on a few dates with at the pub then she messaged him after and wanted to go for a drink. He told you for a reaction is my guess here.

Original poster

LizHertz2 · 10/03/2024 14:46

@Loubelle70 @Daisytigermay I also worried it was to make me jealous / he is insecure. Shame, he had a lot going for him.
If the shoe was on the other foot, maybe I'd also be cautious at the beginning of a new relationship, in his circumstances, so I might be being naive. And a bit sensitive after reading quite nasty messages.
I need to take time to work out my own boundaries here.

Thanks to everyone for reading and giving advice.

OP posts:

Duckduckgoes · 10/03/2024 15:40

But about this inheritance, how do you know he's in line for it? Did this info come from him? In which case he boasted to you about his inheritance and then called you a gold-digger.
A normal person would have been very discrete about potentially coming into money and that way would know that potential partners are genuine.
Very worrying behaviour from him.

Original poster

LizHertz2 · 10/03/2024 16:00

Duckduckgoes · 10/03/2024 15:40

But about this inheritance, how do you know he's in line for it? Did this info come from him? In which case he boasted to you about his inheritance and then called you a gold-digger.
A normal person would have been very discrete about potentially coming into money and that way would know that potential partners are genuine.
Very worrying behaviour from him.

Yes I agree with this actually. I worry he could have told me thinking it would impress me and make him more desirable, whilst then also clouding whether I'm with him for him or his money! Confusing.

He is having to deal with his parents estate which involves a lot of paperwork which he asked me to help him with. I've been present when he's talked to his brother about tax stuff. I've also helped him sort some things in his old family home which will be going on the market.

At the time it felt nice that he trusted me to confide in and to ask for my help. Maybe he just has a habit of oversharing!

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Duckduckgoes · 10/03/2024 16:12

This sounds more and more worrying, OP. Seems things got very serious very fast. Love-bombing maybe?

I'm sort of in your bfs position. Have been sorting out paperwork after death of loved one and got a (small) inheritance. Have been dating a man during this time. He's a great guy, but have given him zero info about any of it beyond the very basics. Never told him about the inheritance.

To my mind it would only be relevant if one day we get married and combine finances (ok, perhaps if living together as well). Before then, I've only shared things like my budget for a shared holiday etc. I think he'd also find it very weird if I started telling him about my salary and savings etc.

You might be right that he's telling you in order to impress you. But if that's the case, he seems quite shallow?

Original poster

LizHertz2 · 10/03/2024 17:28

Duckduckgoes · 10/03/2024 16:12

This sounds more and more worrying, OP. Seems things got very serious very fast. Love-bombing maybe?

I'm sort of in your bfs position. Have been sorting out paperwork after death of loved one and got a (small) inheritance. Have been dating a man during this time. He's a great guy, but have given him zero info about any of it beyond the very basics. Never told him about the inheritance.

To my mind it would only be relevant if one day we get married and combine finances (ok, perhaps if living together as well). Before then, I've only shared things like my budget for a shared holiday etc. I think he'd also find it very weird if I started telling him about my salary and savings etc.

You might be right that he's telling you in order to impress you. But if that's the case, he seems quite shallow?

Sorry for your loss @Duckduckgoes and thanks for sharing your experience. We did get close very quickly, he has wanted to see me a lot. I hate to admit I've been flattered. I think I've ignored that warning sign. My gut is saying this isn't right so I'm going to listen.

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Duckduckgoes · 10/03/2024 18:03

Wishing you the very best, OP!

SamW98 · 10/03/2024 18:09

Disrespectful with piss poor boundaries - huge red flags for me.

I would chuck this one asap

Beyondconfused24 · 10/03/2024 18:17

Trust me this will not end well! Bow out before you get hurt 💗

Catladyireland · 10/03/2024 18:47

That is horrible that he showed you/told you about the messages. I'm sorry you were love bombed but it's common to fall for it so don't beat yourself up. This man sounds like he has poor morals, walk away x

Ilovelurchers · 10/03/2024 18:49

LizHertz2 · 10/03/2024 14:13

I do understand the talking it out with someone part. I have talked him through with one of my close friends. A problem I have, is that he doesn't rate her as a friend. Or so he says. It was hurtful to see that she knew things about me that I'd told him in confidence. I do have trust issues. It felt like a huge misjudgement on his part. And yes, now I'm quite paranoid.

He is very very sorry. He explained that he doesnt have a lot of peole he can talk to and took the opportunity to indulge himself. He showed me as he never considered how it might look to me. Is what he says. He thought we'd both laugh it off about how crazy her opinions were. He did however thank her for looking out for him in the messages. I think he thought he was just sharing it with me. Poor boundaries is the innocent explanation maybe.
He understands why it's hurt.

.

Show quote history

Sorry for quoting my earlier message as well as yours - I am on my phone and don't know how to edit quotes.

I have to say that him "not regarding her as a friend" is a bit red flaggy to me in itself. She obviously sees herself as his friend and a close one - it sounds like she devotes some time to giving him advice, etc. And you say she has slept with him too ....

I just have this sense of him using her really? Both with the sex, and now with the advice thing? Like he is almost trying to make her jealous by talking about his relationship with you? Then kind of ridiculing her to you? None of it is nice.

I may be over identifying. My husband has a female friend he used to sleep with - she considers the relationship more important than he claims to - he has previously spoken to her about me when we have been having problems. It was years ago and still all makes me very angry even to think about it - BUT - at LEAST he has never shown me horrible messages she has sent him about me! The only reason I know for sure he confided in her was from a message that flashed up on his phone once that was clearly about me (given the context) and advising him to leave me.....

(Which may have been reasonable advice at the time to be fair! But he didn't, and things did get better) .

But back to you OP - IF you are still at the point where you can happily walk away without it hurting you too much, I genuinely would advise you to do so, as I don't think his relationship with this woman is uncomplicated, and I think it has the potential to cause you further pain going forwards.

But it's easy for any of us to say that - perhaps you have strong feelings for him, in which case it isn't easy to walk away.

Original poster

LizHertz2 · 10/03/2024 19:05

Ilovelurchers · 10/03/2024 18:49

Sorry for quoting my earlier message as well as yours - I am on my phone and don't know how to edit quotes.

I have to say that him "not regarding her as a friend" is a bit red flaggy to me in itself. She obviously sees herself as his friend and a close one - it sounds like she devotes some time to giving him advice, etc. And you say she has slept with him too ....

I just have this sense of him using her really? Both with the sex, and now with the advice thing? Like he is almost trying to make her jealous by talking about his relationship with you? Then kind of ridiculing her to you? None of it is nice.

I may be over identifying. My husband has a female friend he used to sleep with - she considers the relationship more important than he claims to - he has previously spoken to her about me when we have been having problems. It was years ago and still all makes me very angry even to think about it - BUT - at LEAST he has never shown me horrible messages she has sent him about me! The only reason I know for sure he confided in her was from a message that flashed up on his phone once that was clearly about me (given the context) and advising him to leave me.....

(Which may have been reasonable advice at the time to be fair! But he didn't, and things did get better) .

But back to you OP - IF you are still at the point where you can happily walk away without it hurting you too much, I genuinely would advise you to do so, as I don't think his relationship with this woman is uncomplicated, and I think it has the potential to cause you further pain going forwards.

But it's easy for any of us to say that - perhaps you have strong feelings for him, in which case it isn't easy to walk away.

Show quote history

Sorry you went through that, it sounded like a very stressful time but glad it's in the past :)

You echoed my thoughts on this too.... he told me about her, that they had a no strings sex agreement before he met me. He said he was winding her down with the messaging and he hoped she'd find someone. The impression I got from.the messages was a different story...she knew lots about him and felt comfortable giving such hard advice.... told him he was just ' thinking with his dick'. It all seemed like there was an emotional connection and she was interested in him. Cruel on his part. Telling her how he was in love with me ( hadn't told me this?). I wondered if he was getting a kick out of feeling wanted by her, and also seeing my reaction. Feeding his ego. He was very rude about her to me. It was just an awful lot to take it and feels really toxic.

I am also an overthinker and had a couple of terrible previous relationships so I'm trying to trust my gut whilst also not running away due to previous bad experiences.

I feel better after taking a step back. It did all feel very easy before this.

OP posts: