So sad about being estranged

[Hotbathsrockmyworld]

That's it really.
It's mother's Day.
I miss my mum. She wasn't a great mum but as she got older she became better.
I had to cut contact with my family after my sister accused my father of csa.

I'm just so sad. I feel like I've lost my family. They all still see each other and have days together.

I can't move past the accusations.
Neither she nor he can tell me what the truth is.

On my husband's side he's the eldest of 5 and all of them are vile. They're wanted nothing to do with is over the years. His lovely dad passed away and his step mum doesn't want to stay in touch.
His birth mother has mh issues so for her benefit her stays out of her life.
I'm just sad. My daughter has nobody despite all these people.
I just long for a little normality.
I have put up with a lot from my parents over the years. But I did it so my daughter had at least one set of grandparents.
It's all such a mess.
I feel awful but sending my mum a card.
I feel lost.
I can't enjoy today because I just keep thinking of my parents and sister without me. I hate them and I miss them 😭

I feel nauseous just reading my post.
Since she made the accusations I've suffered with nauseousness.

If you can't move past the allegations, have you spoken to your DSis somewhere neutral? Have you had any therapy to try and help you come to explore how you're feeling?

Just for clarity, did your mum not support your sister after she accused your dad of csa? Is that why you are estranged?

And is it the same sister who accused your dad of csa that will spend today with your parents?

I don’t totally understand but it might be worth getting some counselling as I’m not surprised you have such strong feelings of sadness and loss. And bolstering other relationships in your life - any aunts and uncles still around? Even good friends who can be like aunts and uncles to your kids?

I don't have the answers OP but I understand how you feel. My family consists of my DH & DC, neither of us have extended family for v similar reasons. I'm at the point where most of the time I'm fine, but big occasions like Christmas etc can be hard when you are bombarded with the idea of big extended families being together. I find it helps to remind myself how it got to this point. Imagine those estranged people were there, right now. Would their presence be making you happy? Would they be making your day better? For me I know it's an absolute no and reminds me that it's the 'idea' of an extended family I miss, not my real one! If you've not had counselling it may be worth thinking about as it can really help. But for now try to focus on the people around you and not those who are not. Sending you a hug 🙂

Thank you for replying.
I did recently have 5 sessions with a counselor but lovely as she was it didn't help. She kind of talked at me about CBT. I didn't really get to say much and I don't think she really listened. I need to search for a different one.

We do have a couple of friends with whom we hang out as families and they are wonderful, but Christmas and days live today are just so difficult.

My mum had a conversation with me once saying that she sometimes wonders of she should leave him. But basically concluded that she hasn't got the strength, emotionally.

My sister accused my dad... Almost 2 years ago. At the time my mum called me to ask me if I knew anything which I didn't. At the time I hadn't spoken to my sister for years as she has alcohol and anger issues and it was just better without her around my daughter.
However I called her to ask her about it and she told me that it was when she was about 16 to 18,I think. She seemed like she was intoxicated at the time.
I asked my dad and at first he said he couldn't remember. When I pushed he eventually denied it.
He then disclosed that he had my sister and her children over for dinner because he missed them. But this seemed like it was a secret from me.
It was at that point I said until someone can tell me the truth about what happened I didn't want to stay in touch.

I have no idea who is lying as both are are possibly to have happened.

It's a horrendous accusation. It rewrites my entire life.
I don't understand why my sister would take her kids there.

It just hurts.

I'm feeling a bit more myself now.
I think I was deep in a self pity pit.
I have remembered all our friends that we have made over the years and need to plan in some nice days with them.
And it was useful to consider how crap it would actually be to see my family. My sister would be drunk and angry, my dad saying awkward things that antagonize everyone and my mum would be pretending not to see it all.
I would feel totally uncomfortable and hyper vigilant.
I am lucky with my little family, we're not perfect but we're enough.
Thank you. I think I just need to "say" it it loud. I don't talk to anyone about it.
Thank you for listening.

I totally understand this kind of toxic mess - similar stuff in my family of origin. I think these low points are normal and there's often a temptation to idealise them in your head, but getting re-enmeshed would cause you far more pain than the fleeting regrets you're experiencing now.

Today is a difficult day
My dm died nearly 40 years ago
But it does bring stuff back
I keep busy
Get out for fresh abd exercise
Practice self care and will make sure to eat well
But really it is just another day.

time.
I asked my dad and at first he said he couldn't remember. When I pushed he eventually denied it.
He initially said he couldn't remember if he'd sexually abused his daughter?

It's a very high bar, to be estranged with all members of your family until 'someone tells you the truth'. Someone has told you the truth, so it is very harsh that you have cut them off for that reason.

I think your sister is telling the truth. Women very very very rarely lie about this kind of situation. What on earth would she have to gain from lying?

In addition, no man ever has been confused or not sure if he's slept with his daughter. Ask any male friend of yours who is a dad.

So, personally, I would believe your sister. I would try and support your sister. What does she want from you, if you believe her? She might not want you to be estranged from your parents anyway! These situations are unbelievably complex, with all kinds of enmeshment, complicated feelings, love and hate wrapped up together.

You may still wish to have no contact with your parents and that's fine. You may also need to have no contact with your sister because of her anger and alcohol issues. But given what she's been through - maybe those issues are understandable? (you could always see her without your children around?).

I definitely recommend more counselling and it's a shame the sessions you had already sounded so crap.