Any other farmer’s wives out there?

[FarmingWife]

I’m just absolutely at breaking point. I can’t deal with the relentless stress it brings anymore. My husband has no friends, hobbies or time. He doesn’t take care of himself, he’s always stressed and busy, he has a terrible relationship with his father and his uncle who also run the farm and who are awful people from every angle and because of this we have always struggled for money and it’s a relentless form of stress. His health is poor, he is completely emotionally unavailable for any of my needs, but I’m 100 % dependent on him in every way. I have to be there for him emotionally all of the time and support him when things are difficult even when I’m on the brink, but I just push it to the back so I can support him. I had a panic attack last night and he just sat scrolling on his phone. He always just scrolls on his phone. It’s not because he’s deliberately nasty, but I know that on top of his stress mine is not what he needs added. It’s too much for him to deal with and he’s emotionally unavailable.

we have 3 children (teenagers) who we have managed to prioritise and bring up well in spite of all of this which is great. They’re well adjusted, bright, brilliant kids who all have exciting futures.

but soon enough they’ll be gone and it’ll just be me left behind with the spiralling stress of farming life and how bleak and miserable and lonely it’s going to get. I’m approaching 50, I realise now how much I’ve completely wasted my life, I do nothing, I’m worth less than that, I’m totally over the hill and once the kids are gone I will not only have no money and a bleak future but I will also have no meaning and no use and this reality makes me increasingly anxious.

I just don’t know where the last 20 years have gone. I used to be able to shut down to stress so well and it’s how I’d deal with things. I was such a strong person. I never allowed anything to get to me. Ever! But it’s all caught up with me now and I absolutely can’t stand the daily feelings I have of such insecurity and anxiety. I have zero self esteem left and my confidence is absolutely in my boots. I just do not know what I’m going to do? I’ve always successfully masked things very well from everyone too but even this is starting to feel like such a massive effort. Friends are all now at a point where their lives are successful and they’re enjoying it. Holidays, no money worries, great jobs. And I’m just a total fucking failure of the highest order with an incredibly stressed husband who I am constantly paranoid about dropping dead.

im so tired.

It sounds terribly painful to be going through this, and especially painful at the moment. But maybe, just maybe, it will ultimately be a good thing that you have recognised that are unable to keep up the mask any more?

You say that you have completely wasted your life. I disagree, not least because you have also brought up three children who are bright and well-adjusted (speaking from the perspective of someone whose children are really struggling, THIS IS A MASSIVE MASSIVE ACHEIVEMENT). But it sounds like it's time to prioritise you a bit more. Is there one small thing you can do that will bring you joy or a momentary sense of peace? Is there anyone you could talk to, to give you support through this difficult time?

To me, writing this post and putting it all down in black and white is a starting point and a very brave thing to do.

I wanted to send you a hug, and my very best wishes that you can find a path forward out of this difficult situation.

I often wonder how many farming families live with high levels of stress/anxiety. It must be so tough for you.

You have not wasted your life. You've managed brilliantly and your children sound lovely. I'd say you're giving way to how you've been feeling all these years, and it's now time to take stock.

Is there a friend or someone you can confide in, to help you decide what to do?

So sorry that you’re in such an awful position - you might find this helpful - https://rabi.org.uk/how-we-help/useful-links/

Please speak to your GP. They can't magic away your farming concerns but you do sound really depressed and anxious.

I live in a farming community. If you live in Wales, I'd have a look at these -

https://www.thedpjfoundation.co.uk/about-us-2/

https://tirdewi.wales/

The poster above has also signposted you to links which might be U.K wide as well.

You have enough things to cause you stress on their own, but I'm wondering if peri menopause or menopause could be worsening things for you. Have you looked into that? It made my friend feel really suicidal and it made such a difference when she increased her estrogen dose.

With your kids being the way they are, I don't know how you can think of yourself as a failure. They will have their own challenges as they turn into adults, but please be proud of the fact that you raised them.

Do you work outside the home?

Are you able to get yourself a little part time job at all op? This sounds incredibly tough xx

I can only echo what others have said and send you 💐.
We know several farmers and it is tough. We thank you for all you do for us non farmers.

I am in an fortunate position where my dh doesn't always share the worries, I work in a different occupation and financially independent myself so I do not have a lot to do with the farming business though I do muck in when needed. It is a poor paid occupation and they work many hours when harvesting, spraying etc but I don't feel lonely as my DH is there for me and we do have a good life together. I hope you find the support and you have achieved a lot in your life x

Thank you all very much for your responses. I really appreciate it. I will look at all of those links.

Out marriage has been up and down for years. There have been times when he’s been, I feel, a bit too controlling and I’ve felt worried and dare I say a bit trapped, but I’ve been determined to stick by it and see it through because every time he tells me the good times are around the corner, I always foolishly believe him. But I feel like I’m running into a brick wall now. I know his life has been very tough, his family are horrible and things have always been stressful for him but whenever I try to tell him anything about how I feel he just dismisses me because he says his life is far worse. It’s like a competition to him!!

I’ve spoken to friends about it in the past but I just don’t want to bring it up again. I don’t like being a burden. My best friend dislikes him anyway and only recently after many years has she started to speak to him again.

I went to the GP recently about my increased anxiety and was given ADs that I’ve been on before. I’ve only just started taking them again. I spoke about perimenopause but because of the coil I have fitted apparently there’s not much that can be done.

I’ve thought about getting a job and in doing so I’ve been volunteering for several years at a charity local to me to build up confidence. But since I started feeling so completely exasperated with things about 6 months ago I’ve not felt able to offer my best to them so I’ve been on leave.

I just feel so crap about it. I’ve had so much trauma of my own to deal with in the last 10 years (and it’s been BIG stuff.) but I’ve dealt with it all pragmatically and in the best way possible, but it must be seeping through the cracks now.

Can I ask is your husband farming in partnership with his father and Uncle? Is the farm owned or rented? Is there a succession plan? And are you employed by the farm /in the partnership? I know of several farming families where there have been problems between those involved in a partnership including one where they split the farm following mediation, might this be a possibility for you/your husband?

He’s extremely over sensitive too. I feel I deal with it well, but sometimes it’s extremely difficult to manage. I see the vulnerability in him that no one else does and so I become the centre of all of it. In the past things have happened where it’s caused massive issues, but we’ve got through.

Farmers daughter here so understand the lifestyle. It is a hard life and it does have this problem with the generations working together, the old don't want to let go and they won't accept the young ones ideas. The young sometimes won't listen to the best way of doing things. It creates a very stressful life for all involved.

It doesn't pay a proper wage, the son gets the "all this will be yours one day son" speech, and works for peanuts on that basis. (alongside having living costs paid for if your house is part of the farm in some circumstances).

Your main problem though is that your DH is not listening to you. It doesn't matter what his problems are, he should be listening to you voice your unhappiness.

Would he consider joint counselling? Of course he will say that he can't find the time for it.. He needs to understand that you should be able to talk to him. It would also do him good to talk about his own feelings about his family.

For yourself, it would be good to get a part time job/volunteer again, join local clubs/womens groups etc where you can and try and find a life and friends outside of the farm.

He’s a partnership now. His grandfather, who died a few years ago, was insistent that he got a share as for a long time he didn’t have any say and was just employed by the farm. I do the invoicing and the general running around for stuff when it’s needed but I don’t have a huge deal of involvement.

OP, it may be that your oestrogen levels are too low and you do need them increasing through HRT. I would go back to the doctor and talk about Peri. Is your coil the mirena? If so, you’re getting the progesterone but the oestrogen and possibly testosterone are too low.

Looking at your specific situation, I’d say it’s time for you to figure out what you can change for you. You are fed up and I can see why. You’ve been taken for granted for decades and are still expected to be the support for your husband where there is no support for you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. I think the support organisations for farmers and their families is a good place to begin with.

I’m not a farmers wife, but I really relate to this, I’ve always been unshakeable, but now suffering badly from anxiety and stress. Kids are teens and i feel I’ve nothing left of myself. It’s like I’m breaking apart in front of everyone (always hid it well til recently) and no one seems to care? I’ve begged for years for changes (which are do-able, if a little scary) but nothing changes, it just gets worse. I’m exhausted and feel like I can’t take much more.

I really sympathise I don’t know what to suggest as I’m sort of in the same boat…but look after yourself, and you are amazing having brought up 3 children successfully and run your life for this long. Your very strong and can manage this, write a list maybe of changes you’d like to make, even if some are crazy, then separate out some that are do-able, start small, I’ll do the same today x sending a hug your way

Farmers daughter / granddaughter / niece here.

whats your financial / housing / family situation? How many family members are involved in the farming business, how many have a stake in it? Does your husband expect to inherit and will he be sharing with any siblings?

what age is your husband? Is all his work on the farm?

do you - jointly or individually - own anything? Housing, income, savings?

strength isn’t burying or hiding your feelings OP, or always putting yourself at the bottom of the heap. Strength is feeling things and doing what’s needed to change the situation.

Farming families are a frigging nightmare, especially if they are under financial stress. Mine is just starting to gear up for the next generational row over assets and income and land, who owes what to whom, who gets to decide over whatever 🙄. I’m not looking forward to it, and very glad that I am not part of the daily farm life.

This is no way to live OP. It's all very well pp saying go to the GP etc, but what's the plan? Take pills the rest of your life to numb the pain? You've got decades ahead of you - normally people's best years once child-raising is finished.

If your husband won't do anything to deal with his stress levels, or take any action to help himself, there's nothing you can do. It's time to look after yourself and if that means a radical change, so be it.

You won't get a medal for living like this until you die.

@FarmingWife I wonder what region you're in, OP, or what kind of farm? I have friends who farm - small. generally mixed, and in Cornwall. Most seem to have thriving social lives, all stemming from their years in very active Young Farmers groups. They sail (dinghies), play in brass bands and get out and about. They don't have lots of cash - so foreign holidays are rare. But they do have lives outside of the farm.
The thing that chimes most from your post tho is the inter generational angst. There does seem to be a lot of discord over inheritance and boundaries and the like. Not healthy at all.
But well done you for raising children who sound like they will have futures independent of farming if they want.

Im so sorry you feel this way, I thought for a second I had written this myself expect we are right at the begining of raising our children and I feel completely abandoned most of the time, carrying everyones burdens. Sending you lots of love

I'm glad you've been to the GP and restarted medication. You'll need to wait for these to start to work and hopefully have some CBT/dialectal therapy, then start counselling to help you make some informed decisions about the future. One step at a time, it's impossible and overwhelming to make big plans and decisions whilst you're in fight or flight mode. Sorry, I have no farming insight, but I know your mental health needs to be in a better space to plan. Your body has been exposed to stress hormones for so long it'll take your mind a while to recover.

I actually questioned for a second whether I had written this post!! Only difference is I’m late 30s and 3 younger kids. God you poor thing. I am in the exact same situation with the elderly father in law and uncle owning the farm whilst my DH works his a.. off to seemingly fund a very nice lifestyle for them! (You didn’t mention the nightmare MIL!) I pray PRAY I am not still in this situation when I’m 50. My heart sinks for you. I am already sick of my husband never wanting to make any improvements to our house ‘because the farm owns it not us’ and my children being brought up practically single parented. It’s not awful, there are many positives and we are not struggling for money but as you describe life for me seems to be going nowhere, I am just everyone else’s backstop and someone has to be! At this point with 3 v young children I am busy but wonder what I imagine of my life at 50 - a job is almost out of the question as DH isn’t able to take any responsibility for anything beyond the farm, I just can’t see how I could fit it in. I totally understand the loss of confidence and feeling worthless. Of course our job to raise children is the most important but it leaves very little left for you. As your children grow up can you do more for you- actually let yourself? Do the garden, walk the dogs further, take time to enjoy cooking? You have given everyone else all your time for 20 years, is it now your time to just be?

How are you doing DJW62? I feel like we’re in the same boat. 3 young kids and not a husband in sight! X