I feel like a fool for being the type of person a narcissist would target.

[Satonthesofa11]

I can’t do anything to change the past version of myself but I can’t help but feel an idiot, does anyone else?

I looked up a list of traits a narc looks for, loyal, empathetic, low self esteem, previous trauma, forgiving, etc etc. I wonder what would have happened if I never met him, if I had met a nice person or whether I was always destined to be prey.

Narcissists and abusers don't really target people. They don't go out looking to meet a victim, spot someone with visibly low self esteem and think "bingo!"

Most abusers don't look for a person to abuse, they look for a relationship same as anybody else. It's just that their way of functioning in a relationship happens to be abusive. When they've met someone with poor boundaries, that's the person they end up pursuing a relationship with purely because the people with strong boundaries are ending things early on.

I certainly feel like an idiot sometimes when I look back at some of the red flags I dismissed early in the relationship. Although certain things I allowed were simply because I'd never been shown what a healthy relationship looks like, so I had no way of knowing that mine was so unhealthy.

I don't think it's constructive to view things as a prey/predator dynamic, specifically because it takes away your own power of the situation. If you tell yourself you're just doomed to always be prey, it'll be a self fulfilling prophecy. You have the power to assert strong boundaries, to walk away the second someone makes you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, disrespected, etc.

That’a almost everyone. You need to do the freedom programme and change your own perceptions of yourself, your worth and what is genuinely attractive behaviour vs creepy, predatory narc behaviour.

My goodness this resonates with me. Thank you yellowsmileyface for your post.

All those years back @yellowsmileyface I didn’t have any power. That’s what I meant really, I was a target for an abuser. I might have some now due to hindsight and experience but back then I had no idea.

Don't blame yourself. Abusers know how to smash through anyone's boundaries.

If you had been the type to stand up for yourself clearly and had a healthy dose of cynicism, they'd have used that against you instead.

Some people are just dickheads.

Recently discovered a friend is 100% N.

Easier in a friendship as you see them less often.

In a relationship I think the signs are probably visible earlier, but due to the amount of time spent together it’s probably not as obvious. I think it’s more likely the % of time you spend trying to ‘manage’ their behaviour increases over time so it’s like boiling a frog. You don’t realise how bad it’s got because it increased gradually over time.
I agree with PP. They don’t see a target, it’s more that people who have been through it before/have tougher boundaries fall away earlier.
Don’t be too hard on yourself.

@yellowsmileyface excellent response.

Op, I don't think it helps your recovery or self esteem to think you had no power. You did but didn't know to walk away when the signs (sometimes subtle) appeared. Later on in a relationship you can feel controlled but eventually you got away so had power. Focus on that.

Narcissistic people look for partners that will give them benefits - home, money, access to social activities, status. To achieve their goals they will appear the perfect partner which is why we fall for it.

It is very common/normal to ruminate about a destructive relationship but try to keep moving forwards. Congratulate yourself for getting away and rebuilding your life.

Being empathetic, loyal and forgiving are all wonderful qualities to have, they are not problematic by themselves. However you need to develop boundaries of steel to make sure these special qualities are not taken advantage of or abused. If you were a victim, the fault is not yours.

I do relate to what you're saying. In my past experience with an abuser, I was groomed by an older man. My mum's own relationship experiences were unhealthy and abusive, so I internalised unhealthy behaviours as normal before I even began dating. In that sense you could say it was deterministic that I'd end up being abused myself.

However, whilst it's been a tough pill to swallow, it's been an essential part of the recovery process to realise that I have always had agency. It's important to examine our role as the abused, the part that we played and decisions we made, that resulted in falling victim. This is what will help us avoid abuse in the future, because at the end of the day, we can only control our own actions, nobody else's.

Please don't interpret this as me blaming you or saying that it was your fault, because I'm not. I completely understand how it feels to feel helpless and powerless in an abusive relationship. This is why I think it's so important to remember that we do have power.

@yellowsmileyface An excellent post.

Then @Satonthesofa11 you and I can be fools together - but hopefully we are now wiser fools!

We all make decisions based the information we have at the time. In our cases there was some of it missing, which wasn't our fault. We both made the mistake of ignorance (ignorance in the true sense of the word) and because of it we made poor choices.

So, stop beating yourself up over this, keep working on your self-esteem, learn to recognise Red Flags and move forward.

I did and my 2nd husband is a great guy !

I think what I feel most stupid for is not acting on the glaring red flags straight away. I did try setting boundaries but just wasn't strong enough to stick to them.

What I am most scared of is the same thing happening again. I've been purposely single for 3 years because I just don't trust any man and any tiny little thing looks like a huge red flag to me!

I think once you've reflected on the whole relationship, yourself and your life goals you can then start to think about being in a relationship again. You need to understand what you want from life and in a partner so that you can recognise the parts you don't want. I'm just about ready to consider dating again.

I think abusers do look for victims - but as with everything, they justify it to themselves. they will look for loyal people, they will be attracted to those who are fragile, it will give then an ego boost to be admired - they won't be attracted to, and may even show a dislike for, characteristics that would make someone difficult to manipulate, control and who would stand up to them

You know the type of men who say they hate feminists? they often have a history of exploiting and abusing women

and as for feeling stupid - yes, I do feel stupid, but at the same time I sort of mourn the person I was before. I was genuinely very idealistic and very trusting, if I was in a healthy relationship I would have been probably very happy

Now I'm jaded, suspicious and I often feel like there is that part of me that just died and I don't always like this new person

@PaintedEgg I feel a lot like you, the right person would have been a different life path altogether. But then I was always I suspect going down this path due to my upbringing. I wanted to fix him, he told such a sad story.