Grandparents mid 70s seeing granchildren - mum feeling exhausted

[galulataz]

Over the years ive come to a realisation that I feel really used and exhausted when both sets of grandparents want to see the kids, theyre now 7 and 12.

I would take the kids to my parents or parents in law as they want to 'see the kids', but when i get there they dont ever help me out with the kids. Dont put them to bed, read to them, feed them, play with them just want them to hang out at theirs, with me pretty much looking after them.

Ive found visits a whole imposition, and just had enough. I work full time and hardly/don't have time for myself. Ive asked them to come to ours if they want to see the kids but they say they want to be in their own surroundings, kitchen, books, garden. Theyre all in their mid 70s so i sort of understand they are tired and more set in their ways!

Couple of months ago i set a hard boundary and told my mil that she will have to contact my husband from now on if she wants to see the kids. i just had to be free of one set of grandparents. This worked eventually, he's now dealing with requests.

Now for my own parents, they live a short flight away. Another boundary has to be formulated soon, perhaps more difficult as its my parents. I'm also feeling guilty trying to find this balance or boundary and needing my own time too.

Hoping to find out if any others who feel this way or gone through this??? Any tips would be appreciated. X

I don't agree. If they are elderly especially. Grandparents want to spend time with their grandkids not babysit them. I see this issue with my brothers and hate how they exploit and see the visit as a holiday for themselves. It infuriates me.

I have DC and when i viist my parents i looked after my parents. Thats my Job.

I would ask are you going to look after said parents when they can no longer care for themselves?

It’s harder looking after kids in someone else’s house.

If they don’t come to you, they’ll be seeing you less often. You work, have kids and presumably other things to juggle too. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to please others!

Just explain it to them, if they care about you, they won’t want you feeling stressed out.

I agree with @MixedCouple

They are still your dc, and it is your responsibility to look after them in someone else's home (and yes, I've always worked outside the home and yes I had 3 dc to look after, and often dh couldn't come with me so I'd be on my own). Still my responsibility as a parent, and not older people who are already hosting you (presumably as a flight away), cooking for you, etc.

Appreciate your responses, iam definately coming to terms with having children in my late 30s that help i so dearly would have loved over the years hasnt happened.

Theyve never babysat my kids as theyve said no. Fair enough and i have never ask them again.

I understand the exploitation of grandparents because my sil does that with her with her 3 dc's with my pil's. Of course this might be because its their daughter theyre helping but my children shouldnt be any different from her children. My dh is aware of that but thats a different matter.

There are also tens of grandchildren in the mix, they have been getting away with it with me, because i dote on my kids and want to spend as much time with them too.

Yep, the parents are elderly! Thats what i thought but they tire when we turn up, but then dart from one country to another every year, driving or flying and sending us pictures of their adventures.

Now my kids are a bit older and their younger years have been bypassed, i want fair devoted time between the grandparents and my kids. I think i need to encourage the topic with them of - old, tired or not interested (or all of the above) ? And see what arrangement we can come to.

When you said that the gp don't feed your dc I was thinking they were toddlers op. But they're much, much older than that, are you saying that they don't cook for you all when you visit?

When my dc were tiny I spent lots of time travelling to my parents' home with them. I'd never expect anyone, even gp, to do the 'parenting', which is what you describe, but I wouldn't ever have had to cook for myself.

What you're describing is simply parenting in a different location - if gp want to pick any of that up they can but shouldn't be an expectation. Managing any additional expectation is on you I think. Not unreasonable to ask the gp to visit you if they want to see gc.

Honestly you cant change their behaviour (ie interactions or level of help)
You can only change yours (ie. Who travels to see who)

I do not travel.
if you want to see my kids... you come here.
I will also meet halfway at a child appropriate destination for a day trip.

My mum loves my dd but as a toddler she EXHASTS her. I get that ...
but at 8 and 12 how much work are they really now? Anyone can play a board game or cards

I absolutely understand what you are saying OP, this also happens with my mother and she is younger than yours. In actual fact at the visits I also have to look after DM - I’m expected to feed her, get her drinks and although she might talk to the DC, she does nothing else with them so the whole visit just feel stressful and a burden on me. The kids at this age are going to start to get bored at this boring type of visit and need more stimulation - as someone said above, how much effort is it to play a board game? They could bake a cake or do things with grandchildren in the garden? They could plant flowers. They could read a book together. They aren’t interested and that’s the sad part to accept

OP isn’t asking for babysitting. Playing with or reading go a child is the basics you might expect from a grandparent but some grandparents just aren’t interested and this is their loss because they are the ones missing out on bonding with their grandchildren. This is a dynamic where OP is giving up her weekend to run ragged around someone else’s home, it’s stressful. I would go less OP for certain and not say over either, can you visit them, stay elsewhere and make plans for other things to do while you are in the area?

How often do you visit currently OP?

I'm not sure you need to state a boundary, just decide in your own head that you will only fly to visit them once a year. Provided they have no health issues they can come and visit you if they want to see DGCs.

I have my grandchild over every weekend and a weekday. I adore him. Im early 50s .and get exhausted too..i do have disabilities too. I make effort..my daughter is too busy to be running around after me so i pick him up. Kids arent kids long and there's a time when theyll not want to come as much. If theyre able to travel on holiday they can pick kids up now and again. However...you should compromise too...can you meet half way and have a day out away from each others houses? Bowling? Park? Cinema?. Please try not to judge so much..it really does knacker grandparents caring for grandkids no matter how much we love them.
It is very difficult to entertain kids at grandparents house...they get bored oc they have energy to burn..some grandparents are not able. I do play dominoes...cards...chess .. watch what he wants with him on tv...bake.. cinema...bowling..whatever able to do...i also cook for him oc.
I think you sound very regimented..try to compromise and meet half way

your parents are a flight away and won’t visit you and you both work full time = your parents won’t see much of your DC or you make a lot of effort. You no longer want to do so, which is fine, visit them fewer times.

Not at all U to have left arrangements with all in laws to your H, and to ask him to consider you and the DC in making the arrangements

We have a similar dynamic. My in laws are a flight away and my MIL absolutely strops if we don’t visit their home when we have annual leave. She doesn’t actually want to spend any meaningful time with her grandchild, just make her tickle her & make her giggle for about 5 minutes twice a day and then I have to entertain her for the other 14 hours she’s awake with no help as they put my husband to work in the house or garden.

They have a bizarre dynamic where visiting family means doing jobs. She was quite put out recently that my family don’t get DH to do DIY/gardening/fixing IT issues.

She also won’t keep any baby equipment for us at her house so we need to arrive with cot/high chair/car seat/toys etc which makes it stressful given we have to fly! And I get guilt tripped if I try to take my daughter out by myself for toddler appropriate outings as all she wants us to do together is go to a cafe for cake.

She bangs on about “visiting the family home” which it absolutely isn’t as they moved away once my husband started university. The guilt tripping of everyone around her is unreal.

No real solutions except to say I totally understand the dynamic.

A lot of posters won't understand your feelings on this because a lot of parents have extremely helpful grandparents and actually can not imagine a scenario of not wanting to spend time together.

Sometimes, our parents really are a burden. My parents are like yours but I have the opposite problem. I can not visit them at all. They have a hoarding problem and both smoke in the house so they're embarrassed to have visitors, which means they expect me to be home and available when it suits them. My mother lives a short flight away too and will schedule visits once a month whether it suits us or not. We often have so many things going on during the week- work, school, after school activities that it just feels like another responsibility. She doesn't help at all when she visits, just complains. My father will completely ignore the DCs throughout his whole two hour visit then he'll drop a comment about how challenging their behaviour is because they've had to be seen and not heard the whole visit whilst he talks at me about his work. The visits stress me out massively. You are allowed to find them stressful too!

Just decide how often you're visiting from now on and go with that. They can't force you to get on a plane.

It seems like this is a situation that’s working for everyone except you. So start with yourself for once - what would your ideal situation be here? You can’t change anyone else’s behaviour but if it’s ideal for you to plan the year out and plan in say 2 trips to your parents then tell them when you are available at home if they want to visit. Would they consider staying near you rather than at yours, if they don’t want to be tired out by being with kids 24/7.
Usually I am in favour of open and honest communication instead of this, but what hobbies do your DC do at weekends? Could you arrange a sport that will leave you free for a few hours as time for yourself, and also frustrate unwanted visits/ requests for visits? “Sorry we can’t do Saturdays, DC does x that day” Obviously you want to foster the relationship between DC & grandparents, but not at the expense of your own mental health and free time.

I agree with others, just decide how much you are visiting etc.

For example, my dad lives 5 hours away. He’s good with my kids but never wants to go anywhere or do anything. I make plans to do things a few of the days we are there (invite him in advance) and if he wants to come he can, but that way I don’t feel frustrated that I’ve taken time off work to sit in his house!

DPs Mum doesn’t want to come to us. No problem, respect her ‘boundary’ just smile and nod when she complains she doesn’t see that much of us!

I would set limits - seeing as they’re a flight away then it’s reasonable for you to visit no more than twice a year and expect them to come to you in between.

The messages have been really helpful, thank you and a range of opinion and different family dynamics.

Currently I fly over to see my parents once a year since lockdown ended. We started with a 1 week visit, was too long for them, so i reduced to 4 days but they mentioned the energy level was too much for them. This really is teetering on a 2 day visit next time, or none at all if I were to prioritize my own sanity.

My grandmother (on my mums side) whom sadly passed recently, spent alot of time with me and my brother growing up, I mean ALOT of time with us. But from this I perhaps come to much realisation about my own parents and their ability to cope with US as kids! I just naturally expected some help to be passed down from my parents to the grandkids too.

Also when invited to stay at someones home, you expected to feel welcome. I think a few comments made in the threads hit the nail on the head. When you start to feel like your kids are a nuisance and hear complaints/judgement from start to end, it can be quite dishevelling emotionally and place a real struggle on the visit. I sympathise with this. Really appreciative of your comments and tips on how to get through this.

They put their boundaries in place so it's only right you put your boundaries in place. I agree with you 💯 as an late 30s mum too Xx

Only on mumsnet do I hear of this sort of disengagement, and see that is defended.

My parents aren’t unusual. They babysat whenever asked, flew to see the kids, played with them, read to them, took them to the park, rocked them to sleep. So did/do the parents of literally everyone I know. I regularly stayed at my own grandparents houses. I had my kids my late 30s. Sadly mum died at 70 when my oldest was 4. Dad was just as engaged throughout his 70s. He was in good shape. Their other set of grandparents are close to 90 now but up until a few years ago were keen to engage, and hang with the kids, take them to play golf etc.

Youve got a raw deal. My kids have wonderful memories and photos of my parents.

They're asking to see you kids, not babysit. You should want to facilitate their relationship not just use them so you can get away from the kids. I mean, I get wanting space and time to yourself but that's what your husband is for or paid for childcare. Not eldey grandparents

Yes but if they won’t visit her, and expect her to sit around their house entertaining her children (far harder in someone else’s home) whilst they largely ignore them… what effort are they making to facilitate the relationship?

I wouldn’t bother, they sound like hard work.

I think 2 days over there is enough for everyone OP. If they still moan...stop going. Just let the kids FaceTime them..if they still moan..tell them why politely.
Im very lucky to see and have overnight my grandkids...we lost a grandchild..so we are more than aware of how precious grandchildren are.
If i lived 5 hours away...id go above and beyond to see my grandkids... hopefully inbetween FaceTiming. I would , if physically able, travel to see them ...no matter how far...and im disabled

My grandparents were in their 70s. Seeing the kids meant we stayed at their houses, they cooked (a mixed blessing) and we went sightseeing, usually without them.

And no expectation it would be every holiday for the one in another country.

OP absolutely has drawn the short straw