Please help me see who was at fault here

Scaffoldingisugly · 09/03/2024 22:31

When dh professes how much he has done I usually ask him if he wants a sticker....

Echobelly · 09/03/2024 22:33

It sounds like him, to be honest.

I find a lot of blokes have no compunction about taking to bed and repeatedly saying they are sooo ill, they cannot possibly do a single thing (whether they normally do or not), they need to rest completely.

But they still expect an ill woman to do some things.

napody · 09/03/2024 22:34

Honestly I think you should have backed DP up or at least not undermined him in this situation. She's used the bowl and glass, she could have put it in the dishwasher as she left the table. It's not a big deal, but IF he has been doing everything the last few days then i can see why it was irritating for you to jump in with 'I would have done it for you dd!'. Just let him and her have that argument if necessary, then it doesn't become a whole family issue!

Fannyfiggs · 09/03/2024 22:36

Your DP has every right to moan if he works full time and does everything around the house all the time and you and the kids lie about all day, every day not working and leaving everything to him.

No? Well tell him to shut his mouth and get on with it like you probably do.

NicholJO · 09/03/2024 23:21

Sorry op but plenty of mums single or not have to plod on if your dp works ft then haves to come home to a poorly sick wife and clean up cook and wash up after you all I would be a little pissed off

Fraaahnces · 09/03/2024 23:27

Doing more than normal when you’re sick just means he’s being your partner. (Even though you are probably still doing the lion’s share even though unwell… if he was a genuine partner, he’d do more all the time) He undermined it all with his whinge for matyrdom.

Hiddenvoice · 09/03/2024 23:29

I think it sounds like he’s at the end of his tether tonight and feels like you haven’t backed him up.
It’s rubbish you’re unwell but dd could have easily tidied up instead of leaving it.
I think asking him to wait to tomorrow to explain how he feels is what’s upset him the most as it seems like everyone’s teamed up against him.

Whiskeypowers · 09/03/2024 23:36

All that over a bowl and glass?
you’re ill and sleeping on a sofa?

Fannyfiggs · 09/03/2024 23:38

NicholJO · 09/03/2024 23:21

Sorry op but plenty of mums single or not have to plod on if your dp works ft then haves to come home to a poorly sick wife and clean up cook and wash up after you all I would be a little pissed off

Oh I know, poor man, having to step up and, shock horror, have to do housework in the house he lives in and even worse, come home to a sick wife. No man should have to go through this torture.

roastedrapidly · 10/03/2024 07:35

I think parents should have each other's backs in front of the DC.
It's obviously deeper than just about a glass & plate, have an adult conversation with your DH, instead of both bickering before bedtime in front of the DC.

Thesheerrelief · 10/03/2024 07:56

DD should have put the bowl and glass in the dishwasher. Not later but after she'd used it. The rest of it escalated from there. Sounds like you're all stressed - you're ill, DD is busy with school stuff, DP feels like nobody is interested in how he feels, DS wants to sleep with you. I agree with a PP that this is deeper.

EG94 · 10/03/2024 08:02

Men tend to exaggerate what they do and I imagine having to do more has been a shock to his system. That’s a chat for when you’re feeling better. That said, if he told your daughter to do something you back him in front of her and talk away from her. I think you were wrong here. Secondly if she bit back with any attitude or raised voice that’s another thing I’d have a problem with. Sorry to say it seems you not backing him is what has caused you upset and angst before bed. I always back in the front of the kids and discuss away from them and my partner does the same.

EnolaJ · 10/03/2024 08:02

Thesheerrelief · 10/03/2024 07:56

DD should have put the bowl and glass in the dishwasher. Not later but after she'd used it. The rest of it escalated from there. Sounds like you're all stressed - you're ill, DD is busy with school stuff, DP feels like nobody is interested in how he feels, DS wants to sleep with you. I agree with a PP that this is deeper.

Couldn't agree more

MissedItByThisMuch · 10/03/2024 08:12

If he was cleaning up and DD had left stuff lying around the conversation was between him and DD surely? Why was it necessary for you to stick your oar in? I’d have been pissed off too if I were him.

Original poster

ItsJustaNewname · 10/03/2024 08:35

I always tend to get involved if dp has a go at any of the dc. Especially if i think it's unnecessary. Dd had been working hard all night with school stuff and it's never usually a problem if she clears up before she goes off to bed.
It was more of a case that dp wanted it sorted there and then.

I find it frustrating that if I'm ill dp wants to get more stuff sorted than usual. For example he might clean the kitchen then decide to sort through a cupboard and clean it out. Then he will moan that he's tired from all the housework.
I tell him to just do the bare minimum as I don't need him getting stressed when I'm unwell as it is.

He's also currently not working full time. So it's not a case of he's been at work all day then I expect him to take over.

I do need to address my anxiety though as i do tend to dismiss dp worries if it's close to bed time as it triggers my anxiety and affects my sleep. I do take it on board though but he never seems to want to discuss it much in the day. He waits til everyone is tired as it is then will moan about things.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 10/03/2024 08:38

It's sounding a bit as if you were too ill to do chores but not too ill to critique how he is doing them, by taking your DD's part and claiming that you would have done her chores for her.

Is that fair or am I missing something?

On the whole I see DD's point but finding dirty stuff left out when you have just tidied up is annoying and on of the things that makes doing chores so relentless. It sounds as if you are just happy to clear up after others and maybe he has a point that they should tidy up after themselves, too.

Nothing to be gained until you have all calmed down. Maybe have the conversation out of earshot of the children and consider getting them to pull their weight rather than everyone relying on you in future.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 10/03/2024 08:45

Working hard on school stuff does not negate basic tidiness. Once you have finished eating you should take the plate etc to the kitchen.

However your DP's moaning would annoy me.

FOJN · 10/03/2024 08:53

It's difficult to tell from your post if there is usually an imbalance in the division of domestic chores. If it's usually split fairly equally and he's had to do more because you are ill then the moaning would annoy me.

I don't think you should have undermined him when he asked your daughter to clean up after herself. 30 seconds to take a bowl and a glass to the dishwasher is hardly a big ask no matter how much school work she has done. Perhaps he could have approached it differently but that is a conversation you should have had with him privately.

Watchkeys · 10/03/2024 13:08

I think that if you're looking for who's right and who's wrong, you're just heading for blame and disharmony. It's not how healthy relationships work. He had feelings you need to consider, and you have feelings he needs to consider. There isn't a 'correct' way to run a house; it's about agreements and finding ways that work for everyone. Ask him what he needs. Tell him, calmly, what you need. If the two of you can't reach an agreement that suits you both, then the housework is the least of your problems.

Loubelle70 · 10/03/2024 14:28

ItsJustaNewname · 09/03/2024 22:30

Tonight dp was moaning that he's doing everything around the house. He's done a bit more than usual the past few days as I've been unwell. He saw dd had left a bowl and glass on the table and told her she should have took it to the kitchen. Saying he's not here to slave around after everyone. Dd snapped back that she's been busy all night with school stuff and that she would have done it before bed. I stuck up for dd and also said I would have cleared it away and not made a big fuss of it.
Dp continued to moan about all the other things he's done.

I've told him before that shouting and moaning before bed makes me feel anxious and disturbs my sleep. I asked him to wait til tomorrow to discuss his stresses.
This made him moan more about how no one cares about how he's feeling and how he's had enough of doing everything for us all and not being respected.

Ds heard the commotion and came downstairs and is refusing to go back to bed. I've been sleeping on the sofa the past few nights as I have a bad cough which wakes everyone up. So ds want to stay with me.

So now dd has stormed off to bed, dp feels like no one cares how he's feeling, ds is curled up next to me on the sofa and I'm just left feeling anxious and worked up.

Who's in the wrong here? I'm not blaming dd at all as she would have cleared the bowl and I don't think thats the main problem. I think dp should have handled things differently. Also maybe I should have listened to dp but I was feeling tired and I don't want a big discussion before bed as it would make me feel anxious but I do now anyway.

Tell him 'welcome to my world '...get your coat and handbag and go out.

Epidote · 10/03/2024 17:59

In this order the first that is wrong is DD. Clean your mess as soon as it is made.
The second one is you getting involved in a conversation that is none of your business.
The third one is your DH saying passive aggressive crap to your DD.

altmember · 11/03/2024 00:26

First rule of parenting is that parents always back each other up and never undermine each other. There's exceptions to every rule, but this situation wasn't an occasion to not back your DH (or get involved in at all).

TheDuck2018 · 02/04/2024 12:41

You know your husband is pissed off about things yet your anxiety means you dismiss his concerns, although you still got involved with the issue with your daughter. No wonder he feels undermined.
He may well be in the wrong but how do you know unless you bother to ask him, rather than ignoring him in order for you to get a night's sleep. If you don't want to discuss it at night then make an effort the next day, because, at the moment, it sounds as if it's all about you.

Pootles34 · 02/04/2024 12:46

I think when you're feeling better, you need to look at how you're undermining your DP. I agree with @altmember - you should always back each other up! Maybe discuss in private later, but don't undermine each other in front of the kids, that's really rotten.